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Dreamcatcher
(Reviewed March 12, 2003)
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How can a movie whose screenplay was cowritten by William Goldman, and which was directed by Lawrence Kasdan, be so stupendously, thoroughly, unbelievably lousy? Can you say, "Based on a
book by Stephen King?"
Look, I know a lot of people worship at the altar of the celebrated Mr. K, even if I've never been able to fathom why. But I honestly think that even the most slavish King devotee would feel
cheated, insulted and robbed by this flagrantly moronic movie. The plot is simply idiotic, unless you really think that an alien race capable of reaching earth, taking over bodies and clouding men's minds
would truly be incapable of dropping a worm in a goddamned reservoir. All of "Dreamcatcher"'s other plot inanities--and there are plenty--pale beside that one.
"Dreamcatcher"'s main characters are four skin-crawlingly annoying tools who endlessly utter excruciatingly forced would-be catch phrases during beer-commercial-level male-bonding
episodes in an isolated cabin. (If there are any moviegoers left who do not already despise the weasel-faced Jason Lee, they are guaranteed to do so along about the fifth time he says, "Fuck me
Freddy.") There's not even a single chick to break up the all-male-cast monotony, unless you count a briefly seen bit player in search of her car keys. If you're smart, you will be searching for yours
long before this bomb is over.
Before the screening I attended, a journalist said he had high hopes for "Dreamcatcher" because "some of the best movies in the world have been made from Stephen King books." In my own
charmingly diplomatic fashion, I replied, "Which world is that, because it sure isn't this one!" The King movie that "Dreamcatcher" most resembles probably is "Stand By Me," for which a lot of people
have an incomprehensible fondness. Both movies include flashback scenes that show the adult males as the kind of boys that don't exist in any childhood ever experienced by actual human beings on
this planet. Jason Lee's young counterpart is like some off-putting youthful hybrid of Tina Fey and Harlan Ellison, one who inexplicably doesn't get his ass kicked by older boys in a scene where the
"big kids" would have nothing to lose by pounding the smug little snot into the dirt. He and his posse befriend a retard who is More Than He Seems so they can have Hallmark moments that would
make even "Touched by an Angel" watchers puke.
The worst thing about "Dreamcatcher" is that it may have been possible to create a halfway decent '50s-style SF-monster movie out of the basic bones of the story--but it is brazenly obvious
from the outset that the filmmakers have no respect whatsoever for the audience, and therefore felt no need to try making anything here even remotely believable. There is an ironic, detached, "we know
it's crap and we don't care" feel to the entire enterprise, which can't decide whether it is creepy, cosmic or comic. There are elements of "Men in Black," "Independence Day," and John Carpenter's
version of "The Thing"--none of which were masterpieces themselves, but all of which were better than "Dreamcatcher."
The more I think about this movie, the more things I remember hating. There's a remarkably dumb subplot about a guy watching things happen from within his own "memory warehouse." A
scene with Jason Lee sitting on a toilet where an alien has been trapped could have been genuinely suspenseful, but its tension is unforgivably undermined by his implausible desire to grab a toothpick
off the floor when he should be sitting tight. And on, and on, and on.
So, how's come I am so generously giving this movie an "F+" instead of a plain old "F?" Because the creatures look great, in a very "vagina dentata" fashion. Seriously, the
computer-animated beasties look damned good. See? I can be nice. So there.
Back Row Grade: F+
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