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Mystic River
(Reviewed October 14, 2003)
-
It is regretfully appropriate that this opened the same weekend as "Kill Bill Vol. 1," because they are the two most flabbergastingly overrated movies of the year. When I see some critics calling "Mystic River" the best movie Clint Eastwood ever directed, I don't know whether to shake my head in sad disgust or put a drill-bit to my frontal lobes (which apparently is what counts as "prior experience" for most movie reviewers these days, judging by their complete lack of critical faculties).
"Mystic River" conveys its thin, preposterous plot with such unconvincing earnestness that you may wonder if it is meant to be a deadpan parody of all those "urban playmates grow up to take drastically different paths" flicks. Kevin Bacon is Joe-Friday-no-nonsense as the cop, Sean Penn is DeNiro-lite as the hood, and Tim Robbins is just plain embarrassing as a mumbling-and-stumbling survivor of childhood abduction. A murder occurs in town, all eyes turn toward Robbins (who may as well be wearing a forehead tattoo that says RED HERRING), and everything wraps up with a would-be twist that is so laboriously tortured as to qualify for the term "insultingly moronic."
Even worse, we are treated to a ridiculous (and ridiculously long) denouement that will make your mouth drop open in disbelief. As in, "Did this lousy movie suddenly decide it was `The Godfather Part II' while I wasn't looking, or what?'"
Wait a minute. I just realized that I typed three paragraphs when all I really had to do was type four words to tell you how bad "Mystic River" really is: "Screenplay by Brian Helgeland."
'Nuff said.
Back Row Grade: F
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