Travel back to ancient times! When? I have no idea, let's just say very, very long ago. Buffed up warriors with swords of steel and mouths of mush ruled the landscape. Conan, eat your heart out, because you'll get sliced and diced by...
    The Blade Master
This movie is actually the sequel to another film no one really cared about, "Ator, the Fighting Eagle." It seems that a wise prophet/annoying guy, Acronos, sends his daughter, Mila, out to retrieve the heroic Ator, a blond Malibu action hero guy. Before he sends her out, we are treated with flashbacks, OK, cut scenes from THE PREVIOUS MOVIE!!! See, the trick here is don't ask the old dude, he won't say nothing! Anyway, the evil guy (who resembles Courtney Cox) wants a primitive atom bomb from the old guy. I can't believe hooligans pulled such shenanigans way back when, lemme tell ya!

Mila meets up with Ator and Thong, Ator's little Chinese servant. After learning of the situation (she practically has to BEAT Ator into helping the old man!), Ator, Thong, and Mila jog around beating up Samurai, mimes, and beatniks. It's good to see a wide variety of characters, anyway. Mimes. You sure this isn't a horror movie?

Later, Ator battles a cult (no, not the Wu-Tang Clan) that worships snakes. I think these are the Alice Cooper groupies that somehow found their way onto the set. Thrown down a snake pit, Ator has to battle one ferocious snake (or is that a big oven mitten?) Everybody breathes a sigh of relief, knowing full well the movie's almost over and their $5 paychecks are almost theirs!

OK. Suspend your belief from the Empire State Building. Keep in mind that this takes place before Dick Clark is born (a long, long, long time). Thong and Mila head on foot to the castle where the old man is held captive, yet Ator pulls a HANG GLIDER OUT OF NOWHERE! A %*&^ HANG GLIDER! Don't ask me, I just watch it! After a long cat-fight, Ator gets the best of the Courtney look-alike, but LOOK OUT! Courtney's sneaking up behind ya! *THUNK* Courtney gets a sword in the back, courtesy of the ever thoughtful Thong. Courtney is just sad that he didn't get Thong anything! Ator blows up a bomb, the film ends, but 94 minutes too late. What we need is a good action hero, like Missy Elliot in her big black plastic bag suit from her video, "The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)".

Hang glider. I'm still in shock that Ator whipped out a hang glider together in no time flat, in B.C. times, no less! How? It's sad when a Malibu beach blonde jock is the smartest man ever. This says something sad, like Einstein's career seemed a waste compared to ATOR!
By the by, this is occasionally inflicted through TV waves under the title "Cave Dwellers." The elite among you will realize that Mystery Science Theater 3000 tackled this film, and I salute them. Even they noticed the hang glider gaffe! Rent it tonight, or tomorrow, or never, and see for yourself the ridiculous hang glider scene everybody is talking about. Mystery Science Theater 3000 was more kind on this film than I was though. I say no mercy, hang 'em high! Hah!


This movie gets a 4.5 cheezes out of 5 cheezes on the cheezi scale. Add another .5 cheeze if you think the hang glider scene is damn goofy.
Joe Mamma, Official Pit Psychopath and Hang Gliding Guru
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