This fluffy piece of tripe is such a disgusting mass of self-important drivel
that it makes Attack of the Killer Tomatoes look like Forrest Gump.  At least
you could laugh at the tomatoes.  In this movie, the only funny thing is how
seriously everybody is apparantly taking the plot.  It stars Liv Tyler, who
was obviously cast solely on the shape of her flesh.

The plot centers around Empire Records, an independent music store that is on
the verge of being, *gasp*, franchised!  The message here is, "Down with the
man," and boy, if things aren't blown WAY out of proportion.  Some of the
better reasons for NOT wanting to be a franchise include:  the franchise has a
dress code for workers (which is a horrific violation of their
rights...right?).  The other reasons are...wait.  I think that's the only
reason.

The characters include:  Mr.  I'm-Too-Cool-To-Be-Wrong (who always wears
black...we'll call him Blackey), Mrs.  Suicidal-and-Blonde, Mrs.
Hopped-Up-on-Goofballs (Liv Tyler), Mr. Scooby-Snacks, and the Lipless Wonder
with Long Hair...oh!  And there's Mrs. Slut.  Ready?  Here we go!

Mr. Blackey is in charge of closing the store and he takes a huge wad of cash
out of the store to Vegas, where he blows it all.  The cash was to pay off the
loaners (or Da Man) so the store could remain independent.  Blackey is
reprimanded severely by the store's owner, Mr. Wuss, and then Blackey is
ordered to sit on a couch.  Lipless drools over Liv, who does speed like it's
Pez.  Scooby gets fried on hash.  Suicidal must've had a depressing night (her
piercing gun must've jammed on her...the gods be dammed!) because she's shaved
her head.  Her friends try to talk to her, but NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HER (typical
teenage response) and so she tries to kill herself.  Lipless glues quarters to
the floor and drools over Liv who drools over this decrepit 80's singer guy
who's obviously not working much.   Slut sleeps with said singer, which ticks
Liv off, who runs to the roof, who meets Lipless, who wants Liv, who denies
Lipless.

Why should I go on?  The reason this heap of manure is so bad is because it
conciously tries to relate to today's teenager by offering up a barrage of
"deny authority" and "be unique" messages which, in themselves, aren't so bad,
if they just weren't so darn prefabricated.  The best analogy for this movie
would be:  It's you're 56 year old Uncle John who is constantly wanting to
"chill"  with you and have a "rap session" and who tries to buy your favor by
dressing in baggy pants and a smashing pumpkins T-shirt.  The movie's the
equivalent of big fat neon smiley face with icing on it.  Good in theory, but
just not the type of movie intelligent people should watch.

One more thing.  The movie had this wonderful drug message.  Liv does speed
until Slut convinces her not too, but Scooby is pretty much fried the whole
movie on Scooby-Snacks (marjiuana brownies) and he's happy as a loon.  I'm not
saying I'm for drugs, but a movie shouldn't play God with the drug community.
"YES!  Do Pot!  But deny speed and acid!  LSD is only to be done on the
Sabbath!  Forsooth!"  Consistency.  It's either don't do drugs, or do 'em up
the ass.  Pick one.

That's all I have to say about that.

Rating:

Daniel Kennedy