Imagine you are to endure the worst torture in your life. Forget the rack. Iron's maiden, kid's stuff. Chinese water torture, hah! "Ernest Scared Stupid?" What? Help! HELP! NOOO! Get the picture? The day Jim Varney wins an Oscar is the day we'll see...
Ernest Scared Stupid
Ernest is NOW a trash collector. Ever notice how Ernest can never keep a job after his last film? What is his deal? He must have one hell of a resume! Anywho, through a backplot that nobody asked for, it is revealed that Ernest's ancestor has caged an evil troll underground and an oak tree is his prison. The troll one-ups him by placing a curse on him, having his offspring get dumber with each generation. There must have been several hundred generations of Worrell's, since Ernest is dumber than a sack of rocks.

By hanging around with kids (you think someone would place charges on Ernest by now), Ernest releases the troll, Trantor. D'OH! Trantor wants his Cabbage Patch faced spawn to live, but to do that, he needs to turn five kids into wood statues. Take a wild guess, I have no idea what's going on.

Ernest and his dog Rimshot (that dog from "Wishbone" and "Frasier") go after the evil Keith Richards look-alike, but they don't know how to kill him yet. Everybody in the town thinks Ernest is crazy, except for little Kenny, and I don't wanna know WHY he believes him. I believe this footage was edited out for a PG rating.

Alas, poor Ernest is too late, as the evil troll spawn come to life and dance around in a very threatening manner. We learn from an weird old lady (former Cat-Woman Eartha Kitt) that milk is needed to send the trolls to their graves. With the help of kids, (Ernest is a deeply disturbing man. Why can't he hang out with people more his age?) Ernest evaporates the demonic Ross Perot wannabes, but Trantor chants some gibberish and becomes powerful. Milk can't stop him, the only thing that can't stop him is love, and Ernest must supply it. (this film hurt me in ways I can't reveal without talking to a psychiatrist) With a kiss, Ernest lands a role on the show "Ellen." Oh yeah, Trantor blows up real good and happy stuff happens. Whoopee.

Ernest likes kids. He hangs out with them a lot. Kids are the only ones who believe Ernest. These are the most disturbing elements of the Ernest saga. I don't wanna talk about it much longer, I got sick enough already today. Why were the Ernest films so popular, anyway? There were about 6 -8 films featuring the Ernest character (or lack of character as I am concerned), and that's 6 -8 films too many. Pick a film, any film. They're all bad. He hangs out with kids in all of them. I am a broken, bitter man because of Ernest, and I want Mr. Jim Varney to know it. Or not. He may come looking for me, and I don't want that. I believe that the world will end with the apocalyptic struggle between Jim Varney and William Shatner. Place your bets now!
 


This film gets 5 cheeze out of 5 cheezes on the cheezi scale. Ernest deeply disturbs me.
Joe Mamma, Official Pit Psychopath
Don't hurt me, Ernest. Please.

 

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