"Awww! You're sooo cute! Let me pinch your cheeks!" This is what your typical Granny would say. However, the Granny in this film would rather slash you apart and steal your intestines. Put on your Depends and turn off Matlock, 'cause it's time for a visit from...
The Granny
A granny, played by Stella Stevens but the role was meant for Bob Dole, has your typical prep relatives. These refugees from CBS sitcoms want her huge inheritance, so they anxiously wait for her death to collect. The only one who remotely cares for the granny, Kelly (played by exploitation film queen Shannon Whirry), whines and mopes about, complaining that everybody should be nicer. I'm confused. Is this a horror film or the ABC movie of the week?

Anyway, just before she dies, Granny takes a swig of some magic moonshine that will make her immortal, but as a horror-movie-cliche expert will tell ya, something's going to go wrong, and it does. Rather than drinking the potion, she drinks a big hacking bottle of Mad Dog. Oh wait, no, the potion can't be left in the sun, since it will turn her into a really nasty demon. With Granny, who can tell the difference?

Granny "dies", but little does the family know, the potion is taking an effect during Granny's permanent sleep. Kelly, the nice one, (well, nice in this film anyway. In every other given film she's in, she flashes her shirt at the drop of a hat. Hmmm... *dropping hat, looking at the TV, only to see nothing* Dang...) is cheating out of her share of the money. Granny observes this and takes revenge upon everyone. This film should've been titled "Night of the Bitter Prune-faced Hag," but I digress.

Caution! No plot ahead! For roughly 2 hours, people get slashed up in a bunch of ridiculous manners, which include Granny turning a mink coat on its owner. OK, the director DID NOT, repeat, DID NOT RIP THIS OFF OF THE MINK COAT SCENE IN GHOSTBUSTERS 2!!! After watching cliched deaths of every kind, Kelly decides to fight back. She lets sunlight in the otherwise dark house, and the sunlight kills Granny, and the film comes to a thankful end. Seems Granny didn't put on her extra, extra, extra, extra, strength sunblock.

Slasher films are generally worthless, with the notable exception of the original "Halloween" and the phenomenal terror tale, "Scream." This one just kills and kills and kills. No scares, no surprises, no adrenaline thrills, just buckets of blood. "The Granny" is such a film. In fact, I'd give a more detailed review, but the film was more painful than jumping into a barrel of acid headfirst. Ever drank a really bad beer? Know how the aftertaste would just linger for hours? The pain of this movie leaves an equally horrible aftertaste, so be sure to wash that down with GOOD beer. For some strange reason, I'm in the mood for beer! *glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug* Ahhhh.. that'z guud beer. I thunk I shallllll have anuthhherrr.
 


This film gets 5 cheezes out of 5 cheezes on the cheezi scale ( yet it deserves far more)
Joe Mamma, Official Pit Psychopath
 

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