Sleepwalkers

This title is somewhat true. It puts the audience to sleep. Tanya thinks she met her dream guy, (who seemingly moved from Ohio) Charles. He's poetic, athletic, and a soul sucking Hell-spawn. Unknown to the rest of his new hometown, whose total stupidy rivals only that of the town Mayberry, Charles and his mom are sleepwalkers. These creatures survive by sucking out teenage virgin's life energy. They should start with Pauly Shore and Mike Myers. Charles starts going on a killing spree when his doughy, pasty-faced English teacher suspects that Charles is not who he seems. After killing him, it's revealed that Charles and his mom are vulnerable to housecats. Tanya confronts Charles, and showing his true love, he tries to steal her soul and rip her throat out. His laughable attempt is thwarted again by a cat. At this film's climax, Charles' mom goes after Tanya, in order to get the precious life force needed for her son who got his ass whupped bad by a cat.(one assumes that Charles would lose in a fight against the Spice Girls, which would be more humiliating than getting thrashed by a cat.) Cops are killed, Tanya's parents are killed, and a weird ass dance sequence leads up to the scene where Charles's mom gets toasted by cats and goes up in a blaze, but thankfully Tanya survives. Hmm...a happy ending...I'm guessing... There were just too many tons of disgusting/cheesy details in this movie to mention in this review, so I'll narrow it down to the highlights: - the only known movie where a guy gets stabbed by corn on the cob - stomach turning incest scenes between Charles and his mom - truckloads of bad acting, especially the cops' performances - cameo by the ugliest spud alive, Stephen King I don't understand why Sleepwalkers is in the horror category, rather than comedy. In fact, the scene where a cop gets stabbed with corn on the cob nearly burned out the rewind button on my remote control, it was so hilarious. In fact, I encourage you to e-mail me with your opinions on how corn-on-the-cob can be considered a deadly weapon. Oh yeah, Sleepwalkers is a really CORNY movie. Pun intended.

-Joe Mamma

2 out of 5 cheeses on the cheesi meter