Grab an epicac and a barf bag, as today's film goes down in
history!... and comes right back up like vomit. Presenting the cheesiest
satellite TV-based movie, set your dial for...
TERRORVISION
It all begins on Planet Pluton (due to budget cuts, the director couldn't
afford good sets or special effects, but he WAS able to tack on an extra
letter to the word Pluto. Wow. Will wonders never cease?) where a rubbery
mutant is shot from a Mutant Disposal Center after the planet's ruler turns
the mutant into pure energy. Somehow, things go horribly wrong, as things
always go horribly wrong in science fiction movies. It's the law.
Instead of reaching the edge of the universe, the creature is zapped into
the Puttermans' satellite dish.
Enter the Puttermans. The Puttermans are a fine American family, except
that they are all psychotic and have pornographic paintings in every room
in their house. There's Mom; Dad; veteran soldier Grandpa; wannabe-soldier
son, Shane; the daughter Suzie, who has a horrifying tower of rainbow colored
hair, and Suzie's appropriately named boyfriend, O.D.
One night, the mutant springs out of the TV and kills Grandpa and Mom
& Dad. Little Shane tries to convince O.D. and Suzie that a monster
is killing everybody, but because Shane is a little boy in a monster movie,
nobody believes him. The mutant attempts to kill the rock freak O.D., but
his armbands remind the mutant of his former owner. Despite the fact that
the now-mellow monster butchered Shane's parents, Shane, Suzie, and O.D.
try to find a way to get rich off of their new homicidal pet. They call
Medusa, a WEIRD lady who hosts a late-night monster movie. By all means,
this role should've gone to Elvira, but there wasn't enough money to hire
a remotely-decent actress, so they pulled some no-name lady off the street
and pulled her into this Hellish movie. Go figure.
A good alien warps through the TV to kill the monster and possibly regenerate
the dead parents, but in a classic Movie Pit moment, Medusa screws everything
up and kills him. That's called dramatic irony. Hahahahaha. To wrap it
up, we see a surprise ending that I dare not tell you. I was haunted. You
gotta see it to believe it.
GRRRRR! This movie was just plain dumb. The good-for-an-unintentional-laugh
rubber mutant used was obviously a leftover prop from the 1986 remake of
Invaders from Mars. I mean, couldn't the director just make a cheap monster
at the last minute? At least it would be ORIGINAL. Film-making seems easy
enough, just steal somebody else's monster and use it in your own film.
Convient! As for the Puttermans, they are despicable white-trash, yet the
most enjoyable white trash I've ever seen in a Movie Pit film. Almost heartwarming.
Heartwarming meaning someone ripping your heart out and throwing it into
the microwave. Those people that are into twist endings and killing off
the last trace of brain cells they have left should go see Terrorvision.
Otherwise, keep that remote handy. I think I've seen MUTANTS! Oh, wait,
it was just Hanson. Whew!
Rating:
Joe Mamma, the OFFICIAL
Pit Psychopath
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