Freiman's Missive to the populace

Fifteenth Edition

143 Things Freiman is no longer allowed to do on any NATO base.

(the following is stolen humor. e-mail freiman for the address of the original.)

  1. When passing through a security checkpoint, I do not get a "free strip search".
  2. I may not threaten anybody with Black Magic.
  3. I may not test the disbelief in black magic of others by asking for a hair.
  4. I may not get silicone breast augmentation.
  5. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul during work time.
  6. Not allowed to teach children any new words.
  7. Not even really good words.
  8. I am not allowed to join any militia.
  9. I am not allowed to form any militia.
  10. God may not contradict the orders of a secutiry officer on Nato Bases.
  11. I may never again perform my now famous "Barbie Girl" dance.
  12. I may not call Officers of the United States, It's allies, or in fact, any Nation as "Immoral, Lying, Untrustworthy Slime", especially if they are.
  13. I must not taunt the french soldiers any more.
  14. The Irish MP's are not "After Me Frosted Lucky Charms".
  15. Must Never, ever attempt to antagonize the Royal Marines.
  16. Must never call a British Infanty officer as a "Wanker".
  17. I must never ask anyone above the rank of Lieutennant Colonel if they have been smoking crack.
  18. I must never tell any officer I am smarter than them, especially if it's true.
  19. I must never confuse a Dutch soldier with a French one.
  20. I must never tell a German Soldier "We kicked your ass in WWII".
  21. I must never tell Princess Di jokes in front of the British Paras.
  22. I am not allowed to let a sock puppet take responsibilities for actions which I committed.
  23. I am not legally empowered to promote sock puppets in the chain of command.
  24. Not allowed to chew gum in formation, unless I have broght enouugh for everybody.
  25. Not allowed to chew gum in formation, even if I have brought enough for everybody.
  26. I am not allowed to have flashbacks to wars I was not in.
  27. Our Medic is Sgt. Baladad, not "Dr. Feelgood".
  28. Our Instalation Supply Officer is Captain Hymer, not "Sugar Daddy".
  29. While I am allowed to take time off for religious purposes, I may only take time off for the end of the world once.
  30. I do not have, and I have never had, superpowers.
  31. The United States Congress consists of Senators and representatives, not "Rich, currupt leeches fattened on the taxpayer's money like a shiny white tick fattened on the blood of innocent puppies with big, watery eyes."
  32. Camoflage body paint is not a uniform.
  33. I am not the Unit's Aetheist Chaplain.
  34. I am not allowed to "go down to Bragg boulevard and shake "Daddy's little money maker" for ones stuffed in my undies"
  35. I am not authorized to fire officers.
  36. I am not allowed to trade military equipment of any nation for magic beans.
  37. I am not allowed to sell magic beans to soldiers who are on duty.
  38. I may not use public nudity as a tool for self expression on any military facility. This rule runs concurrenlty with rule 11.
  39. I am not the emporer of anything.
  40. An order to "put kiwi on my boots: does not involve fruit in any way.
  41. An order to polish boots means all of both boots.
  42. An order to make my boots black and shiny does not involve electrical tape.
  43. The proper response to any lawful order is never "Why?".
  44. "It is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission" No longer applies to Freiman on NATO bases, ever.
  45. There is no "Anti-Mime" operation underway in Bosnia.
  46. There has NEVER been an "Anti Mime" operation carried out by NATO in Bosnia, or anywhere else.
  47. I will never again attempt to write cadence calls for any unit in the United States Military.
  48. the following words are not acceptable in cadence calls for any military; Budding Sexuality, Sexual Lubrication, Necrophilia, Black Earth Mother, Gotterdammerung, Korean Hookers, eskimo Nell, Moon Pies, We've all got Jackboots Now, I have everybody in this formation and wish they were dead, slut puppy and any references to squid whatsoever.
  49. I May not make posters depicting My perception of the moral failings of any NATO officer.
  50. Inflatable novelties are not dependants, and tey may not be used to apply for additional Living Quarters Allowances. No matter how I feel about them.
  51. There are no evil clowns living under any beds on this post.
  52. I am not the Psychological warfare mascot.
  53. May not pretend to be a Nazi stormtrooper on any NATO base at any time.
  54. I am not authorised to prescribe any form of medication, not even natural herbal products.
  55. Woad is not camoflage makeup, and should not be given to soldiers before live fire exercises.
  56. May not perform psycholgical warfare experiments on anyone in my chain of command.
  57. Wearing a dress to military functions is not a constitutionally protected right for males.
  58. I may not form press gangs.
  59. I may not use military vehicles to squish anything.
  60. I am not authorized to operate any armored vehicle.
  61. The MP's are not looking for droids, I am not Obi Wan Kenobi, and I should stop playing stupid games at the main gate.
  62. I am neither the king, nor the queen, of cheese.
  63. I may not chalenge anyone in the United States Military, it's allies, or in fact any nation to "meet me on the field of honor".
  64. I must not mail Penthouse forum letters to the military whistle blowers' hotline.
  65. Anything that makes Freiman giggle for more than fifteen seconds should automatically be assumed to be prohibited.
  66. Nerve gas is not funny.
  67. Inflatable sheep do not have to be displayed during a room inspection.
  68. "Redneck Zombies" is not a training aid.
  69. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
  70. I am not authorized to initiate jihad.
  71. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
  72. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers they are.
  73. I may not mount a bayonette on a crew served weapon.
  74. I am not Alice Cooper.
  75. I am not Mark MacGuire.
  76. The only persons who may sell celebrity autographs to NATO soldiers are those celebrities.
  77. Rodents are not ever entitled to a burial with full military honors.
  78. Our facility commander is not old enough to have fought in WWI, and I should stop implying he is.
  79. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off anyone under twelve.
  80. I may not trade US military equipment for any of the following, cigarettes, Booze, Sexual favors, Drugs, Kalishnikovs, Solviet Armored vehicles, small children or bootleg cd's.
  81. Should not mock Command Decisions in front of the press.
  82. Should not mock members of the press, unless they work for NPR.
  83. I am not authorized to change US policy in Eastern Eurpoe.
  84. I cannot trade my facility commander to the Russians.
  85. I should never speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
  86. Crucifying mice - Bad idea
  87. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
  88. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
  89. Burn pits are for classified documents, they are not revel fires, and I should refrain from dancing around them. This runs concurrently with rule 38 and rule 11.
  90. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
  91. An EO breifing is not the best place to unveil my new dirty joke.
  92. I should not use government equipment to "waterproof' dirty magazines.
  93. I should not teach offensive phrases in Albanian to soldiers, telling them that they actually mean useful phrases.
  94. A two drink Limit does not mean first and last.
  95. A two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drink.
  96. A two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be any size I want.
  97. "No drinking of alcoholic bevereges" does not mean that a Jack Daniels IV is acceptable.
  98. "shapdoinkle" is not a real word.
  99. "I'm Drunk" is a bad answer to ANY question posed by the facility commander.
  100. The base loudspeaker system is not a furum to voice my ideas.
  101. the base loudspeaker is not to be used in place of the phone.
  102. I may not show up at the front gate, messily drunk, wearing part of a Russian Uniform.
  103. even if my boss did it.
  104. Must not teach muslim interpreters how to make "MRE bombs".
  105. Must never teach Muslim Interpreters "useful german phrases".
  106. I am not authorised to buy or sell mineral rights for the US government.
  107. I am not allowed to write, e-mail, phone, fax, wave at, talk to, play guitar to, or otherwise communicate in any way with the daughter of any US soldier over the rank of E4.
  108. Clavin ball is not an acceptable sport for US Army Physical Training.
  109. A Kevlar Helmet, army web gear and thin coat of "Break free" is not an acceptable Uniform.
  110. I should not drink three quarts of blue coloring before a urine test.
  111. I should not drink three quarts of red food coloring before a urine test and then scream during "specimen collection".
  112. I should not threaten suicide with pop-rocks and coke.
  113. Putting Mike and Ikes in a prescription bottle and then eating them all in formation is not funny.
  114. The following things do not exist. Keys to the Drop Zone, Canned Whoop Ass, Paint Stretchers, A Box Of Grid Squares, Blinker Fluid, Winter Air for Tires, Canopy lights, or chem light batteries.
  115. I will not convince new privates to look for anything that does not exist.
  116. I will not convince new privates to guard the flight line.
  117. I will not treat urine test specimen bottles with extra strength Icy-hot.
  118. I may not perform Lap dances in a US Army Uniform.
  119. I may not perform Lap dances in a simulated US Army Uniform.
  120. If I take off the uniform during the course of a lap dance, it still counts.
  121. The revolution is not now.
  122. NO part of any US military uniform is edible.
  123. Bodychecking General Officers is a Bad Idea.
  124. Past lives have no effect on the military command.
  125. I am not allowed to offer to fetch a broadsword when the Facility Commander says "the Pen is mightier than the sword"
  126. there is no such thing as a were-virgin.
  127. the pants are not optional.
  128. I am not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
  129. Especially not a Pornographic Movie Studio.
  130. Not even if they are "especially patriotic films".
  131. I am not allowed to create Department of Defense Standard forms, and then insist they be filled out.
  132. I am not allowed to create New Levels of Security Clearance.
  133. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium need not be brought to the office.
  134. I am not a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
  135. When filling out army documents, my race is not "other"
  136. When filling out army documents, my race is not "Secretariat in the Third".
  137. "Minstrel" is not an army MOS nor a navy NAF
  138. Nor is Pokemon trainer.
  139. My chain of command has neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of fruit roll-ups.
  140. When operating a military vehicle I may never attempt anything I saw in a cartoon.
  141. dispite similar names, the safety dance and a safety breifing are not the same thing.
  142. I may never nail up a stuffed bunny in front of Battalion Headquarters, even if the CO did ask for "Easter Desecrations"
  143. the airsickness bag is for airsickness only.









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