The 50 Commandments Moses Couldn't Fit on the Tablets of Stone

While working for my college literary magazine, we were banging around ideas for an issue that takes a rather eccentric poke at religion. Once such item that was published was The 50 Commandments Moses Couldn't Fit on the Tablets of Stone. It was a lot of fun working with all those creative people, many of whom have gone on to great careers in art and publishing. While I did go through something of a personal crisis right after this, this was one of the more memorable issues I ever had the honor and privilege of being a part of. This is from the Spring 1995 issue. (It is as it was printed, save I've made some minor grammatical and typo corrections.)

1. Thou shalt in no case cast Charlton Heston in Biblical Roles…or James Brolin in any role.
2. For obvious reasons, Madonna shall forever burn.
3. "Skywalking" shall remain the sole province of the Lord and his designees, to include neither Michael Jordan nor Mark Hamil.
4. Thou shalt inscribe no manuscripts about sensational murder trials, no matter the profit.
5. I have created The Newt to be a slimy and repulsive creature; this it has been and thus it shall forever remain.
6. Nuttin' from Nuttin' leaves Nuttin.'
7. Any man, woman, child, creature of the sea or bird of flight who runs for political office is cursed to the end of my kingdom.
8. Honor the Super Bowl and keep it profitable.
9. The films of Oliver Stone shall at no time be taken seriously.
10. Thou shalt not bear false witness against Shoeless Joe Jackson.
11. That I am in my heaven shall in no way be taken to mean that all is right with the world.
12. Infinity is to be found not in a grain of sand; neither shall an hourglass contain an eternity.
13. Thou shalt no speak to serpents with the gift of campaign rhetoric. This is thy second and Final warning.
14. The Lord thy God is neither male nor female, but both and neither. Thusly shalt thou never argue this point to exhaustion in times to come…but this doesn't mean you can freely cross-dress either.
15. Thou shalt not be gender confused.
16. Thou shalt honor the Sabbath, but also shalt thou honor the eleventh day of the fourth month, for it is my birthday.
17. Thou shalt shun psychoactive drugs, for I dislike people banging on my door at all hours, asking wherefrom all the colors have their origin.
18. Thou shalt not keep on truckin.'
19. If thou must make modes of transportation into an alter, at least make it an alter to ME!
20. Thou shalt not make light of my way of speaking, for such is naughty in my sight.
21. Thou shalt not "lambada," save for the purpose of engendering children.
22. When I send my only son unto thee, mind not to 'card' him when he converts water into wine.
23. Thou shalt not have sexual relations with any member of a species not thine own.
24. Chocolate is sacred. Over-wax the chocolate and verily I say unto thee, it will be worse for Cher and Pee Wee Herman in the final days of judgement.
25. Thou shalt suppress urges to pick up bloody gloves.
26. Israel is not that big or important.
27. I am The Lord Thy Boogie Man. That's what I am.
28. Thou shalt not make false deities out of purple dinosaurs.
29. If you manipulate the words in "Elvis" it spells "Lives." If you do the same for "Anthropomorphic Deity" you can spell "Drop More Acid." What's the difference?
30. Thou shalt not spell YMCA in public ritualistic pagan body gestures.
31. Thou shalt not refer to mortal creatures as Funkmasters, Cosmic Gods, or any other title reserved for the Almighty.
32. There are no Happy Campers.
33. There never is, has or will be a "Hug an Attorney" day.
34. Thou shalt not have friends in low places. Thou shalt, however, flog those who sing praises to such individuals.
35. Thou shalt not find The Lord on the last great day on the Psychic Friends Network.
36. Just because thou thinks thou can sing doesn't mean thou shouldest.
37. Thou shalt weigh the words of politicians and the results of professional wrestling equally.
38. Thou shalt make no McJordan Burgers out of real Jordanians.
39. Thou shalt not use the trendy tag "Pre" as in Pre-owned, Pre-heated, or Pre-Read. Cars are used, ovens are heated or unheated, and books are read or unread.
40. Thou shalt not exploit people for money in my name.
41. Thou shalt find other means of entertainment besides tabloids, murder trials, and talk shows-and remember, no "lambada" either.
42. Thou shalt not make sequels to great movies just because thou canst.
43. Thou shalt not bring more than twelve items to the Express Lane. Twelve is the number; not more than twelve, but twelve or less. Thirteen, fourteen and fifteen or more is too much, but twelve or less is more than enough.
44. Thou shalt not articulate oxymorons such as: Politically correct, Military intelligence, or Good Education.
45. Those nicknamed 'Bubba' shall not become political changelings, no matter how much "White Water" his wife drinks.
46. "Send Lawyers, guns and money" to deter badly singing twerps from recording inane songs.
47. Thou shalt not name thy child Tom Servo, or ancient Zulu names that are not all that impressive.
48. Thoust family shalt not wear more than four matching T-shirts to an amusement park.
49. Thou shalt peruse the Preview Channel before watching every other channel for ten seconds.
50. Disco shall be the music of The Lord, and therefore so should it be for all my subjects.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Reference

Flipside Magazine, California University of Pennsylvania
Spring 1995 issue, page 17.