I'm also learning to not censor what I write.
This has some interesting repercussions. It means that even (or especially) if I don't feel comfortable saying something, and I can think of a good reason why, I will definitely say it. So many of my writings will be not long-thought-out, so not necessarily representative of my core being. I am a creature of contradictions, and so I'm perfectly comfortable saying one thing one day, and then arguing the opposite the next day. Who I am is the sum total of everything I do, and I don't think any person can be truly described by absolutes. Sometimes I'm nice, sometimes I'm nasty, and who I am is both. Sure, I lean one way or the other, but in ALL circumstances, it's just a leaning, and not an absolute.
I will also sometimes analyze why I am saying something while I am saying it. I have a very intelligent and strong subconscious, and this leads me to usually have at least one ulterior motive behind anything I do. I don't particularly like that, so I'm going to be talking about those ulterior motives as I discover them. For instance, my ulterior motive for telling you about this now is... Hmm.. Kind of odd trying to put it into words. At some levels it's forcing me to do this in the future, and making it easier for me to do this in the future. At other levels it's to show how convoluted my thought processes tend to be. At other levels it's to make you feel sorry for me because I worry about this stuff all the time. Kind of nasty, huh? And, of course, I have ulterior motives for explaining these ulterior motives, but things get ridiculous after a bit of this recursion. Anyway, I tend to fight against that little part of me that says 'no, you should use this word here, not that word, because people will interpret it slightly differently and thus maybe not like you as much'.
Wanting people to like me is a really big part of who I am. As far as I know, I have no enemies (maybe this journal will change things -- hmm.. New experience). I don't want people to not like me because what if I need them in the future and they don't like me? Plus I get a lot of pleasure out of helping people and being nice and having all that reciprocal good-vibes thing going on. But anyway, one of the things I'm still uptight about is making sure that people still like me (I still don't understand why people like me in the first place, so this part is difficult). This means that I end up with a lot of masks. This in turn means that I have a lot of acquaintances who don't know certain aspects of me. I don't like this, and this leads me to my journal.
I know that some people don't want to know more about me. They don't want to know about my sexuality, my insecurities, or things I think about and do when I'm alone. But others do. And it's difficult to breach certain subjects in person, because if the person is not receptive, they start going "Too much information!" and run away. And sometimes some people are in a receptive mood, and sometimes they aren't. Having this information on a web page means that people can either skip through it or read it when they want to, and I'm not stuck in the embarrassing situation of having made a social faux pas.
Now that's mostly directed at people who already know me. As for the teeming masses out there, well, I don't know what I want. When I started thinking about this project, one of the thing I had in mind is that maybe I could meet someone who felt similarly to me, and the whole web romance thing could happen. However, due to a series of really remarkable and unlikely coincidences, I'm now quite happily attached. But, that aside, I definitely want to meet people and share thoughts. I recently got a message from someone that is also into the baring of one's soul, and it's been good reading through his web site. Heck, if we got enough people, we could create a maskless society, which would be just great. I'm looking for real people, for water brothers (read Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land, if you haven't already -- many of my views on the ideal society were formed from reading a lot of Heinlein as a child). So, anyway, if you find this page interesting and worthwhile, please write to me. Opposing viewpoints are encouraged (especially since I oppose my own viewpoint half the time). Ask any questions you want. I'm willing to answer anything.