Rambles 1

Calm and black
  my heart is flat
  deader than it ought to be.
It's not like it's a surprise.
  it's been building . . . dying slowly
  shrivelled, unused
  cast aside?  no, worse.
  forgotten.  ignored.
And every time I put on a happy face
  and pretend like all I care about is
  the little things,
Every time I stop people from knowing
  the blackness that's paining me
Every time I lie to myself and
  lie to friends
Takes me farther from knowing what I want
  who I am
  what I'm missing
  what I want
  what I want
But I laugh and pretend and it's alright
  until I'm lying in bed
  unsleeping
  at five in the morning
  and I know I must get help somehow
But I don't know where to turn to
  because I don't know what I want.
Paper doesn't help.
So I throw away the blankets
  and huddle to myself
  and pray for sleep
Because I know that in the morning
  I can forget again.

-TCS