On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in
the park. the
Blue Streak, the Wild Cat, the Raptor and the Demon Drop where
just the beginning. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling
and her stomach upside down.
Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars-more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually I meant dress size.”
When it comes to buying gifts for each other, men and women do a poor job because men are for Sears and Women are from Nordstroms. First, we will look at what men and women buy for themselves. Then, we will extend those ideas to learn how men and women should shop for each other.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he’ll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52 inch waist and a 30 inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: “Howdy! My rear is the size of a Federal Express truck!”
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is not to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can’t! Her size is 8! So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night vision binoculars.
“Hi! “he'll say when his wife finds him. “You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and ... ” “Am I fat?” she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers “yes”, she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers “no”, she'll be angry because he’s obviously lying because none of the size 8’s fit her.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they’re fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
The other day there was a woman who was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because, she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: “I wouldn’t care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a ‘6’ on them.”
Men here’s how you could get rich: Start a women’s clothing store called “SIZE 2”, in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words “SIZE 2”. I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You’d probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity.
Now shopping for tools, a woman will go into the store buy a screwdriver if that’s what she needs and she’s done. A man will check the Philips and the strait blades. He will leave the simple screwdrivers for a ratcheted screwdriver. He will pick up the ratcheted screwdriver and start out of the store when he sees the power screwdriver. He will put down the ratcheted screwdriver for a power screwdriver and not one of those little ones. He wants the one that takes a motorcycle battery. He want’s the one that will break his wrist if he doesn’t stop when it gets all the way in.
With men, it must be bigger, faster or have more capacity. It doesn’t matter if you at talking about cars or computers.
Women, do you want to get rich? Start a line of power tools called “500 horsepower”. It doesn’t matter if you sell simple flat blade screwdrivers. If it says, “500 horsepower” men will be lined up to buy them.
Now lets apply what we’ve learned to buying gifts. When men think gifts, they think tools. Since most women aren’t interested in a drill press, men head for the kitchen supplies. Wrong! Women don’t want tools. They want something that’s romantic. So, what’s romantic? Men try to think of something that’s expensive that you can’t think of anything to do with it. What best fits that description? Jewelry. It’s expensive and it’s not good for any thing. It’s a romantic gift. Men, you can’t miss if you head for the jewelry department.
I heard an ad that said “for Father’s day, buying tools for a man is as romantic as him buying you kitchen appliances.” It went on to suggest that you buy him jewelry. What have we learned about men so far? That this man obviously owns a jewelry story. Buying a man jewelry is worse than buying a man cloths. He collected old pieces of metal and rocks when he was 10. He's out grown them now. At least, there’s a use for cloths even if they aren’t fun. Men want toys. They can be tools, something for his car, something for camping or something for his computers. What ever tools he’s into, you can’t go wrong with bigger, faster or more powerful. Remember, it’s more important that your man can play with the gift than if he does play with it.
So, men don’t buy your woman gifts from Sears. Women don’t buy your man gifts from Nordstroms. Because men are for Sears and Women are from Nordstroms.