[Source: Article 52718 of soc.culture.tamil: Path: lyra.csx.cam.ac.uk!daresbury!yama.mcc.ac.uk!keele!psinntp!uknet!tank.news. pipex.net!pipex!swrinde!gatech!gt-news!prism!prism!not-for-mail From: gt6060a@prism.gatech.edu (Rangaswamy Rajamanickam) Newsgroups: soc.culture.tamil Subject: Devadasi (Chapters 6-10) -- A Repost Date: 15 Mar 1996 11:33:18 -0500 Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology Lines: 998 Message-ID: <4ic64e$1qb@acmex.gatech.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: acmex-prism.gatech.edu]
DEVADASI by Kasturi Sreenivasan
This book is published & copyrighted by Kasturi Sreenivasan Charity Trust, Avanashi Road, Coimbatore-641014, India and is posted with the kind permission of the author.
THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVERS (1877)[cont..] ---- CHAPTER VI They left by train the same afternoon. It was a new experience for Meena. In many ways, she was still a child with a child's sense of wonder and a child's curiosity. She was delighted by little things and was constantly asking questions. She had never had any toys and had rarely played with other children. Her life had been one of dedication and discipline, with dancing lessons for two or three hours a day, in addition to her schooling and her mother's instructions on the life of a deva daasi. She had never left her little town and a train journey was the most exciting thing that could have happened to her young life. At first, her enthusiasm was somewhat tempered by the anxiety she felt on her mother's account. But, in the sights and sounds of the journey, she soon forgot all about it. The noise of the engine, the bustle of people trying to get into the compartments, the clanging of bells, the green and red flags of the Anglo-Indian guard who seemed to have the power of the almighty himself, the shouting of the vendors of refreshments, all these made her open her eyes with wonder. She chatted like a little girl, not like one running away with her lover. ' Look ! Look ! The engine is going back ! Will we have to pay extra for it ? ' ' Can I buy myself some sweets ? ' ' Who is that man with the red turban ? ' ' There are some sadhus getting into the train. Will they also have to buy tickets ? ' ' Are there separate compartments for the untouchable ? ' As the routine of arrival and departure was repeated at each station, Meena put her head out of the window and watched with mounting fascination, the moving crowds of humanity that always seemed to be present at Indian railway stations irrespective of the time of day. Udayar, as a man of the world and as one who had traveled twice before on a railway, satisfied her curiosity and she was duly impressed by his knowledge of the world. When the excitement of the journey began to wear off, she was immersed in pangs of remorse about her mother and about her dancing at the temple. ' I have left my mother to the mercy of the temple priests. I don't know what they have done to her.' ' Don't worry,' Udayar soothed her. ' Those brahmins will sell their souls for five rupees. If your mother gives them some money and performs some pujas, they would be more than satisfied.' ' How can you talk like that about the priests of the temple?' Meena chided him. ' Because I know them ', Udayar replied. ' They may be priests and we may have to depend on them, but they are greedy men and more interested in making money than anyone else.' ' We should have brought her away with us,' Meena felt. ' Then there would not have been any trouble. And when we got back, we could always have explained it, saying that it was a divine call from Sri Rangam and we had to obey it.' Udayar was disgusted at the idea and told her so. ' But she is my mother,' Meena argued. ' She has sacrificed everything for my sake and it is my duty to look after her. You don't know what humiliations she has had to suffer in her life. Further, I am fond of her.' Their first halt was Sri Rangam, the famous Vaishnavite temple town. Though Meena had never traveled before, thanks to the training in dancing that she had received she knew all the mythology as well as history associated with the temple, and was able to enlighten Udayar about many things. The presiding deity at the famous big temple was the same as at Palayam, Lord Ranganatha, Vishnu the creator in reclining form. Meena was, therefore, familiar with all the ceremonies and traditions of the temple. She told him of the birth of Andal, the garland maker's daughter, the girl who fell in love with Lord Ranganatha, and of her ultimate salvation. Meena could sing the hymns of Andal as well as the other saint poets of the Vaishnavite world and her feet itched to dance and her mind was totally absorbed in devotion. ' Do you know that the famous poet Kambar is supposed to have sung his Ramayana here in this thousand pillared hall, nearly eight hundred years ago ? ' she asked Udayar. He didn't know and didn't much care. She knew all about the various festivals that were celebrated there and their times. Udayar was overwhelmed by her knowledge. She insisted on going to all the minor shrines that surrounded the temple. Her soul was immersed in an orgy of devotion. She kept telling herself and her lover constantly, ' I never thought I would worship here; to be blessed like this is truly rewarding !' a sentiment which Udayar found rather disconcerting. When Udayar was uninterested in her stories, she chided him. ' You have no culture, no appreciation of art, no sense of tradition; even worship at the temple is a boring duty you perform in order to reserve for yourself a place in heaven. I may be only a deva daasi, but I love God; I love music and poetry, particularly when it is devotional poetry in praise of the Lord. Don't you realize thousands will sing these poems long after you and I are forgotten ? ' ' They are very nice to listen to,' Udayar admitted. ' But when I have listened to them for some time, I want to do something active.' ' Your idea of something active is a new way of making money ', she said. He spread his hands wide. ' It is money that makes all this possible,' he countered. ' Without my earning money, where will you be ? ' ' I suppose we have to work and earn money ', Meena admitted. Her attitude towards money was that of any artist and Udayar had difficulty in understanding it. ' I hate the life of atemple dancer. But I wish there was some way of dancing, entertaining the public and pleasing myself, even earning money, and yet leading a respectable life. And I do wish you were a little more interested in the finer things of life.' ' Well, I am interested in horses,' he smiled. ' There is nothing in God's creation finer than a horse.' ' When I use the word " finer ", I refer to the things of the spirit not horses,' she said somewhat sarcastically and Udayar was a little disappointed. In a few days, Udayar realized that it was one thing to attend to his affairs during the day and sleep with Meena during the night, and a different thing altogether to have her on his hands for twenty-four hours a day. In his own town, he was the master, able to dictate terms and demand implicit obedience. But in an atmosphere of religion and culture, he found that Meena had the upper hand; she knew so much more, could converse with priests and sadhus intelligently, could strike up friendships with other women and participate in religious discussions. Udayar was at a disadvantage in all this. Music and religion had a small place in his life and to spend whole days in such activity was boring to him in the extreme. Further, he was used to thinking of Meena as a mere dancing girl, as one who was beneath him socially and unimportant in other respects. He tended to relegate her to the background in everything. But now, in this environment and where her origins were not known, it was he who was being ignored by others and treated as a satellite of Meena. It was difficult for him to adjust himself to such a role; nor could he participate fully in these activities. He could only spend money and demand service. In Palayam, Meena had thought of Udayar as being next only to God. He was so confident and masterful in dealing with men and affairs. But in the cosmopolitan atmosphere of the big temple, where people rich and poor came from many parts of India, he was just one of many. His limitations and inadequacies were exposed to her and her own superiority at least in some things made apparent. Because of this feeling, combined with her own enthusiasm for everything around her, she tended to take him for granted. One of the men at the choultry where they were staying remarked to Udayar one day. ' That wife of yours is a highly educated woman for her age; it is not often that girls from our class are as knowledgeable as that. All they know is cooking and having children. You are a very lucky man to have found such a wife.' For some odd reason, this made Udayar angry instead of pleasing him. ' Most of us find such qualities only in our mistresses,' the man continued. ' But the trouble with them is, they are only interested in money.' They stayed in one of the higher class choultries that abound in temple cities. Choultries were places of shelter and rest built by philanthropic people particularly in temple towns for the benefit of travelers. In the days when there were no hotels, they performed a useful social function. Accommodation was usually free and simple, and the living was more or less communal. Occasionally, for a very small sum, people could have a small private room. Udayar and Meena managed to get a small room for themselves for sleeping and for keeping their few belongings. The people who saw them assumed that they were a young married couple on pilgrimage in fulfill a vow or because they hadn't had children. But people did look at Meena a little curiously, because her clothes did not conform to what was usually worn by upper class women when they visited temples. They usually dressed in simple but fairly expensive clothes while Meena's were cheap and gaudy, bought by her mother, as being squick to notice this and told Udayar about it. She also noticed that people with money did not travel carrying bundles but had steel trunks which were carried by porters to and from the station. So the couple went shopping and bought themselves a steel trunk to keep their clothes in, a bed roll with a couple of pillows and blankets for sleeping and a bronze ' kooja 'a round water container with a screw top. She also bought herself two saris, sober and suitable for a young married woman. Meena was very proud of her new possessions and she kept producing the kooja at every opportunity so that the other women could admire it. Though most men even wealthy ones went bare bodied, Meena noticed that a few of the well to-do young men wore shirts, not when they went to the temple of course, but at other times. They were useful since they had pockets in which one could keep money instead of having it tied in a knot at the end of one's dhoti. They also kept one warm on cold evenings and it seemed to be the fashion. After a lot of persuasion, Udayar agreed to have two shirts made and even wore them on one or two occasions. But he felt more comfortable with his upper cloth during the day and the red shawl in the evenings. Meena also managed to persuade him to go to the barber once a week for a shave. She was proud of his appearance with all these improvements, but Ramaswamy Udayar not easily adjusted to the urban ways of living considered these a waste of money. The relationship between Udayar and Meena was based on sex. In Palayam, it had dominated their lives and they had been happy with each other. Gradually, it was maturing into a deeper affection. But during this pilgrimage, Meena had been over-whelmed by the things she saw and heard; her spirit had been suffused with devotion and feelings of Godliness. 'The wonderful sculptures she saw, the hymns she heard every morning and evening in the temple, the discussions she listened to all these gave a new meaning to life as far as she was concerned. Consequently, she did not seem to be interested in sex any longer and either put her lover off or gave in half heatedly. This made Udayar feel at first disappointed, and later, angry. But there was nothing he could do about it, for Meena was so pleasant, so enthusiastic and so thankful to him for having made it all possible. Nevertheless, they were heading towards a crisis and it wasn't long in coming. One day, Meena wanted to buy a wooden doll she had seen in one of the shops. ' What do you want a toy for? ' Udayar asked. His temper was wearing thin. ' You are not a child.' ' But I have never had one in my life ! ' Udayar had bought a lot of things for Meena though he considered them a waste of money. He did not protest then, but now he did. ' You are always buying things ! Have you any idea of the value of money ? ' ' It only costs one rupee and it is so artistically done,' she cried. ' And it will be a memento of this wonderful trip.' ' First you have to buy a steel trunk and then, you have to buy all kinds of rubbish to put ;t in,' he shouted. ' Is there no end to this shopping madness ? ' Meena started crying at what she considered was an unmerited attack. ' I am not asking you to buy me a diamond necklace ! ' she moaned. ' I am not asking for gold laced saris ! That zamindar who wanted to see me would have bought me gold bangles and necklaces, my mother said. And you begrudge me a miserable toy ! ' He slapped her then; slapped her hard. She reeled under his blow. ' You and your mother ! ' he shouted. ' You are now showing the true qualities of your caste ! Here is the money for the return journey. Go ! I do not want to see your face again ! ' and he walked away. But she followed him like a faithful puppy that had been thrashed for being naughty. Her hand instinctively went to her cheek which was turning red and smarting from the blow. She followed him with tears in her eyes, unmindful of the stares of the passers-by. When they reached their room in the choultry, he ignored her completely. She waited and tried to plead with him, but it was no use. ' Take all your clothes and your precious steel trunk and go !' he said. ' Whatever happens, I am not going back to my mother,' Meena shouted back. ' So, I don't need this money. If you don't want me, I am going to die.' She waited for a few minutes. There was no response from him. She threw the money on the floor and walked out. Suddenly, he realized what had happened, remembered her words, got up and followed her. He did not know which way she had gone, but he felt it must be in the direction of the river. So, he made his way there. From a distance, he saw her going down the steps of the bathing ghat and shouted after her ! ' Meena ! Meena ! Come back ! ' Either she did not hear him or did not want to hear him. He ran after her and waded into the water as she was getting into the deeper part of the stream, caught the end of her sari and dragged her out. ' If you didn't want me, why did you come after me ? ' she cried. ' Death would have ended all my troubles ! ' ' Meena ! Meena girl ! ' was all he could say. A crowd was gathering and people began to ask what had happened. ' Come, let us go away from here,' he said. And in their wet clothes, they walked back to the choultry. People who saw them thought that they must have taken a vow to walk in wet clothes to the temple every day. The next day, they went and bought the wooden doll which had started all the trouble. ' I am going to call this doll " Kaveri " after the holy river,' said Meena. 'Yes,' Udayar agreed. 'The next time we have a quarrel you say, " Kaveri" and we will make up.' This incident made Udayar realize the deep affection Meena had for him. And Meena learnt that she could not afford to take him for granted. From then on, their relationship acquired a deeper meaning and a more permanent bond. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter VII They went to Rameshwaram, Madurai, Chidambaram and Tanjore before returning home after two months. Meena would have liked to go on longer and to visit more places, but Udayar was gettin bored and restless. Thoughts of return brought to Meena the problems that were awaiting her. 'I wonder how mother is getting on,' she said. ' If I know anything of her, she would have run up some more debts,' Udayar said sarcastically. ' Olherwise, she would be perfectly all right.' ' I wish you would like my mother a little better.' ' I would, if only she didn't try to persuade you to give me up at evey opportunity.' ' Do you realise what I am giving up in order to stay with you? ' she asked. ' Dancing is in my blood. It tears my soul in two when I have to choose between you and dancing.' ' Look Meena,' Udayar spoke seriously. ' When we go back, you are not going to live with your mother. Ganapathy would have made arrangements for you to live in a different area of the town. Your mother can continue to live where she is now and I will pay her an allowance so that she can lead a decent life in her old age. Or if she chooses, she can live with you. But it will be on the strict undersanding that she does not interfere with us in any way whatsoever. Personally, I would prefe for her to stay where she is at present. ' You have made all these arrangements without consulting me ? ' ' Yes, it is for a man to decide these things; further, you are too young to understand the ways of your mother.' ' Yes, it is for a man to decide these things for his wife,' she retrted. ' But I am not your wife. If you leave me tomorrow, I have no one to care for me. Under these circumstances, don't you think you should ask me first ? ' ' I am not in the habit of breaking my word,' he thundered. ' So, you need not worry about not being looked after. I decide things for you just as if you were my wife. But I don't like all-this talk about missing your dancing. If you are not sufficiently fond of me, if in your heart of hearts, you really do not want to give up dancing, now is the time for you to say so, once and for all,' ' What love, what understanding you have shown ! ' she shouted back. ' All I ask for is a little appreciation of my sacrifice, some understanding of the dilemma in which I am placed. But you can only talk about Udayars never breaking their word ! I wouldn't mind even if you broke your word so long as you understood me. Is that too much to ask of one's lover ? ' ' I am sorry I tend to treat you like a child,' he confessed. ' I had not visualised your growing up so fast.' ' Yes, when I met you, I was still a little girl giving her first performance,' she turned and looked at him. ' But these months have taught me many things and I am much older.' Udayar thought for a while. ' When we get back, you decide what you want to do,' he yielded. ' If you want lo go back to your dancing, you do so; if you want to live with your mother, you may. Or you may accept my offer and take the house that Ganapathy would have fixed up by now.' ' If I start dancing, will you stop seeing me ? ' ' I don't know,' he mused. ' After all that has happened, it will be hard for me not to see you. When Ganapathy came and told you had agreed to dance at the temple, my first reaction was to let you, and forget the whole thing. But it is not the same now. Since we started on this journey, we have been through too much together to be able to part that easily. We have become mutually too involved.' He looked up and gazed into her eyes. ' But I certainly will not see you if I have the slightest suspicion that you were thinking of other men.' Meena smiled. ' You know why I agreed to dance at the temple ? ' she asked. ' It was not so much because of mother's pleading or the persuasion of the priests. I wanted to see if you would come back to stop me or would ignore it.' ' Women are hard to understand,' he muttered. ' If I am to give up dancing, then I must get away from my mother's house,' she said. ' The entire atmosphere there is saturated with music and art, and it is better to get out of it.Yes, I will live in the house that Ganapathy has arranged. My mother can do as she likes.' They sat silent for a while. Then Udayar spoke. ' You know Meena,' he said. ' We come from different worlds; mine is based on security, stability and respectability; yours, on the thrills and desires of the moment. The only meeting point between us has been sex. Only, in our case, it has become something much stronger. But the fact remains that our worlds are separate. Which of our worlds is better. I don't know. But I do know I cannot change. Is it too much to ask to change? ' Meena realised that this type of introspection was a great effort for Udayar. He had attempted it only for her sake. In a way it was a compliment to her. ' Yes, I too want to change,' she agreed. ' I do not like dancer's life as it is at present. But when I hear music, my heart leaps and my feet itch to keep time to the tune. My mind is filled with divine emotion and my face is dying to express it. How many times have I looked longingly at my dance costumes and my ankle bells and wondered if I would ever wear them again ! I don't like the life of degradation my mother has planned for me, but what harm can there be in my dancing ? It is the noblest form of art that there is and it is wholly dedicated to the praise of God ! ' ' Dancing may be a noble form of art, but dancers have a bad reputation and I don't want my girl to have anything to do with it.' ' I do wish there was some way out.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chapter VIII They returned to Palayam railway station one evening. Udayar went to see about the arrangements in their new house and to fix an auspicious day for Meena to move in. Meena came home in a bullock cart with her steel trunk, her kooja and her bed roll, like an experienced traveller. Now that Udayar was not there to give her courage, she was anxious and worried about what might have happened following her failure to dance at the temple. Her feelings of guilt at having left her mother to face the situation alone and unaided retumed to her. The servant girl who first saw her arrive was greatly excited. She ran into the house shouting, ' Amma ! Amma ! Meenakshi has come ! ' Muthu came out of an inner room when she heard the noise. ' So you have come at last,' she said to Meena. Her greeting was cold. ' Yes mother, I have just arrived,' Meena said pleasantly. ' So I see.' ' Look Amma ! Look what Meenakshi has brought,' the servant girl shouted as she brought in one by one, the steel trunk, the bed roll and the kooja. ' What have you got inside the box ? ' she enquired. ' Is it all saris ? Have you bought a lot of things ? Is there anything in it for me ? ' ' Put them inside and don't chatter ! ' Muthu shouted at the poor girl. Until she went away on this trip, Meena had not left her mother for a single day. People rarely travelled those days. Having been now away for so long and to so many places, Meena had expected a warm welcome, mingled perhaps with wailings and recriminations, but not this coldness and aloofness which was so unlike Muthu. She felt that perhaps there was something seriously wrong. ' Is everything all right mother ?' Meena enquired anxiously. ' You might well ask,' shouted Muthu. Her self-control was beginning to give away. ' Is everything all right ? ' she repeated the question. ' No, everything is not all right. I have been shamed and humiliated. We have been deva daasies and we have been attached to this temple for I don't know how many generations. We have always maintained our tradition and earned the respect of all until you went off with your fancy man and broke your promise at the temple.` ` `Respect mother ? ' ' Yes, respect. Strange as it may seem to you, we too have our respect and our reputation and our pride; the pride of our profession, the pride in never missing an engagement at the temple to please our followers and to pleasc God. I remember my mother dancing at the temple once when she had high fever and completing her performance before collapsing in the anteroom. She said, " Muthu, remember our only loyalty is to our art; we have no other loyalties and no other ties ". I too danced at the temple once, only two weeks after losing my baby who would have been your sister had she lived. That is our pride and that is our tradition.' Meena came to her mother and held her hand. ' Please don't worry; I will make it up to the temple in some way.' Muthu pulled herself away. ' How will you make it up ? ' she asked. ' I don't know. Mr. Udayar' she always referred to him as Mr. Udayar. ' He will talk to the priests and do whatever is necessary.' ' Mister Udayar ! ' Muthu spat the words out in bitterness and anger. ' Do you think a little money would satisfy God? It might satisfy the priests, but do you think he can pay adequately enough to compensate for a life time of your devotion to God ? I wish I had had the courage to send him away on that first day when he came here showing off his money. Then I would have been saved all this shame.' Meena suddenly felt tired and miserable. Her young spirit could only stand so much. She had returned in the hope of convincing her mother about her giving up dancing and going to live in the new house. But now she felt it was impossible With Udayar not being there to sustain her, she collapsed She ran into her room, lay down onthe loor and started sobbing. But Muthu followed her.' It is no use shedding tears,' she said. ' I too have shed tears until my eyes were dry. You had better know what happened after you left.' `Later' said Meena. ' No, I must tell you now,' Muthu insisted. ' When the priests found you had left, they were annoyed. But when they came to know of the reason for your leaving, they were reaDy furious. They called me all kinds of names and said it wasa serious matter of discipline, and they would have to report it to the trustees. I did my best to prevent them, even tried to bribe them; I would-have succeeded but for one thing.' ' What was that ? ' ' That uncouth brute of a villager, Ganapathy, has been hanging around here since you left. He told everybody that you were never going to dance again.' ' And then, what happened? ' in spite of herself, Meena was interested. ' It is an affront to God and to the authority of the temple,' they said. ' So, the matter had gone before the trustees. Since they appointed you as a temple dancer in the first place, they have everyright to discipline you if you did anything wrong. I told them that you had had a dream in which the Lord of Sri Rangam temple, Lord Ranganatha appeared and asked you to go there and so you had gone. " Did the Lord appear in Mr. Udayar's dream also? " one of the trustees asked sarcastically. Oh, the shame of it all ! ' ' But what did they do, mother ? ' ' I pleaded with them to forgive you this time, but they have said they would wait to hear your exp]anation and then take a final decision.' For the first time, Meena was frightened. ' What could they do to us mother ? ' ' That depends on what your attitude is going to be,' Muthu spoke slowly and deliberately, as if weighing every word before uttering it. ' They are all just as powerful and wealthy as your Mr. Udayar; even more so, since they are vested with the authority of the temple. Public sentiment is also in their favour. But they are men and naturally have men's weaknesses. If you can be a little more accommodating by promising to please them, and if you agree to dance at the temple whenever required in the future, they might drop the whole thing with an apology from you.' 'If I am not accommodating? Then what happens?' ' How can you think of such a thing ? ' ' So breaking my vow to God does not matter so long as I please the trustees. Is t