Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Send shipments by car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly o peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother.......................................Please Gogh His dizzy aunt ..................................................Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes................................Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store..Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia........................U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white........Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois......................................Chica Gogh His magician uncle..............................................Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin.............................................Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half brother........Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach ..................Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle ..........................................Cant Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt...................................Tan Gogh The bird lover uncle..............................................Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst....................................E Gogh The fruit loving cousin..........................................Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking....................Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew.......................................Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco........................................Go Gogh His Italian uncle.....................................................Day Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van.......Winnie Bay Gogh
cough (off)
though (o)
bough (ow)
through (oo)
ought (a)
The only three English words you know how to pronounce and spell are
“enough,” “women,” “nation.” I then ask you to spell “fish.” Watch this.
The “I” sound is the “o” in
“women” The “sh” sound is the “ti” in “nation.”
Thus, you’d logically spell “fish” “gh-o-ti.” How close in sound is
“ghoti” to “fish”? Crazy!
Ough (or should it be, “Ouch”?)
enough (uff)
Enough Women?
The “f” sound is the “gh” in “ghoti.”
The possessive form of the pronoun, "you" is "your,"
The possessive form of the pronoun, "we" is "our,"
The possessive form of the pronoun, "you" (plural) is "your,"
The possessive form of the pronoun, "he" is "his,"
The possessive form of the pronoun, "she" is "her."
The possessive form of the pronoun, "it" is "its,"
The possessive form of the pronoun, "they" is "their,"
Thus it can be my house, your house, our house, or your (pl.) house. Similarly, it can be my self (myself), your self (yourself), our selves (ourselves), your selves (yourselves) and her self (herself).
Now the problem: it should be his self (hisself), its self (itsself), and their selves (theirselves). But those are all incorrect. The proper words are "himself," "itself," and "themselves." Figure that one out!
I have often heard immigrants say "hisself" and "theirselves," and so of us probably laugh at their "error." They are actually being very consistent and logical.
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