Rejection

Sweet Surrender

It doesn't mean much,
It doesn't mean anything at all
The life I've left behind me
is a cold room
I've crossed the last line
from where I can return
where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
and led me from my home

Sweet surrender
is all that I have
Take me in
No questions asked
You strip away that ugliness that surrounds me
Are you an angel?
Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won't disappoint you
I'm down here on my knees

Sweet surrender,
is all that I have to give
Sweet surender
is all that I have to give
I don't understand by the touch of your hand...
I would be the one to fall

and it's the little things,
I miss everything about you.
It doesn't mean much,
It doesn't mean anything
at all the life I've left behind me
is a cold room

Sweet surrender
is all that I have to give
Sweet surrender
is all that I have to give.

-written and sung by Sarah McLachlan

If someone told asked me how rejection feels, I would say,"I can't really descibe it, but at first it aches so much you think you won't be able to bare it. After a while though, you get you used to it, and you get this small feeling of hope inside of you that everything will be okay."

Everybody faces rejection in their lifetime. I have many, many, times. I used to think I could get over it easily because of my experience, but then one day, I realized that I was too naive about it, because life isn't nice enough to not surprise you.

It all started the day I auditioned for this musical children's comedy with 2 of my friends. We all got call-backs, and after a couple of months of paralyzing anxiety, my friends got the phone call that confirmed that they go in. My phone stayed silent that night.

The next day, I was relieved to find that school had been canceled due to the amount of snow that had fallen the previous night. However, I had to go to school after that canceled day, and when I talked to my friends(who are in practically every class with me), I acted as though I didn't really care that I hadn't gotten in. Deep inside me, I could feel my emotions churn unhappily. One time, I confessed to one friend how I really felt. He nodded, and said,"I'm really sorry. I didn't know you felt that way." He then acted more kindly towards me for three days, but acted as usual after. Acting "as usual" was not a good thing for me. We had all made a pact before auditioning fot the musical that we would not talk about it if someone did not get in. I guess the temptation was too great for my friends, and so they talked about it almost all the time. You can imagine how this did wonders for my self-esteem. My English teacher, a former Drama teacher who consoled and helped me with the situation of not getting in, sensed my troubles. Her eyes would lock on my friends still talking in her classroom after the bell had rang, while I left silently for my next class.

I wondered what was wrong with my acting, singing, or attidude. Was I too dramatic? Was I too snobby? Was my voice off key somehow? Why didn't I get in? It wasn't until several months later that I figured out why. The musical was somewhat of a goofball comedy(I am not trying to degrade it. I just can't pinpoint the correct word to descibe it. When I find the right word, I'll change it) In it, the majority of the cast were kids who wore gray baseball hats with mickey-mouse-like ears. Each character had a different personality: some were rebellious biker rats, some were squeeky, etc. I realized that nobody in their right mind would cast me to do something as insand as that. I'm the type of person who'd be much better with characters who are:bookish, smart-alecky, snobby, shy, lonely, "average", brainy, cynical, sarcastic, somebody who's dieing, tragic, somebody whose friend is dieing, somebody going through some kind of incident that will change her life, psycho(I'm thinking the female version of Norman Bates here), misunderstood, angelic, passive, withdrawn, serious, etc. I couldn't be cast as a rat in the musical, I wasn't as spirited. :o) Another friend who had gotten in was the Martha Stewert wannabe in our choir Christmas musical, while I played the little innocent girl desperately wanting to meet Santa Claus.(LOL!)

Also, I made some mistakes at the audition, so that may be why I didn't get in(but I'm still wondering why I got the call-back anyways). I knew it was a musical comedy, so why did I sing a mournful song? I can't help it sometimes, I just like singing sad songs. I also got nervous. This is a big no-no. I shouldn't have cared. I shouldn't have cared if I got in, or how well I did. Then I would have been more relaxed, and would have loosened up.

Now that I know that I have to work on being more spirited, I know how to make my acting more better. I would like to thank the director of the musical for rejecting me, and my 2 friends for ignoring me for helping me to do that. I owe them all.(I'm not sarcastic. It's the truth!)

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