Rants and Ravings...Poetic Justice?
Disclaimer: Nothing in here is meant to offend anyone, it's just the mind of the writer going at mach speed and her fingers trying to keep up. So just to let you know, think about it some and read what she's really saying. Oh, and just a warning, it's kinda long, but it really is good if you can stand it.
It seems somewhat odd not to have gone to my violin lesson. I woke up at about 8am today, got dressed but felt too sick to eat anything, went back to bed and slept restlessly 'till about 1pm when I woke up, or rather got up, listenend to the end of a somewhat crude book on tape (did I tell you about that? Hitchcock, and there were 12 tapes in all!), had a bit of cereal, then went to the library with my mother and sister and one of her friends. I got another book there, it's the last one in a trilogy that I've been trying to read, but why the hell I did that is beyond me. I was telling you that I was trying to finish "Brave New World" which has gotten quite interesting since I began it again last night. It's gotten me thinking about the world and such, not that that's anything new, but it still has. I mean, what is tradition, and what is "natural"? It's not a new issue, not for me and obviously not for society, the book being as old as it is. And yet, what is age? Because my mother just had her birthday a few days ago, and yet she seems no older than before. It's been a year since last year, and I feel so much older. So very much older. Maybe it's what we learn in school that does it, the knowlege we gain, though I highly doubt that much of what we learn in school transfers into common sense as we grow older. I know that it would be impossible, or nearly, to try to have a class on common sense. That seems to be something that you can't just gain, like growing up, you have to find it yourself. And some of us do, and some try not to. I think we all eventually gain a sense of growing up, even if some people don't want to show it. It's like mortality, we all know it's there, some embrace the thought warmly, some just calmly accept it, and some back away, push the thought away violently. So maybe age, common sense, growing up, and mortality all share something, share each other. Not that I've never realized that, but like most other things, it was unconcious. Most things are. Can you come home from school and tell whomever asks what you learned that day? I know that I can't. The unconcious is much of our lives, either physically, as in sleep, or mental, as in just knowing. Physical sleep is in a sense unconcious too, because we don't really think about how to fall asleap. There is no real set way since we all have our own ways and tricks to falling asleap faster. That only stands to reason, we all are individual anyway, so to sleep individually is nothing new to us. Not that we could help it anyway, sleep being unconcious as it is. I'd have liked to be able to plan, in the past, to do something in my sleep some time, but it's never worked, since I can't controll that. I can try to, but there is no way. Like most plans with a fault in them, it never works. I didn't dream at all last night, or rather if I did then I didn't remember dreaming. One can't controll that, I've found. I've dreamed some strange things before, but lately my life has been stranger than a dream, or when it only feels like I'm dreaming that I'm doing whatever it is that I'm doing and that I'm not really there, well, that sure is freaky. Not like TV is freaky where you can just say that it's fake and all, but like truth is freaky, where you can't get away from it, even though it feels like a dream, the freaky part is that it's real life and that scares the hell out of me. Hasn't life scared you before? Where you can't do anything about a problem, it's lose-lose for you and even though there's nothing to do but accept that and plunge in to get the worst, you desperately don't want to. Not like an assignment that you just don't want to do but will have to anyway, but something that feels more important, a friend that you'll have to be mean to or disapoint, or even worse, do nothing about but have to worry about them. I'm not talking in specifics, I was at the begining of this, but I know at least one friend that I'm thinking about having to disapoint some time in the near future. She's a great person and all, and I'm sure she'll make something of herself when she realizes what she wants to be, but right now I just think that by being around this person (read: me) it's going to hurt her rather than benifit her. I'm not saying that I'm a bad person to be around, just that I'm not that positive of an influence either, and even more so, that I don't apreciate her and give her the friendship that she should have. In short, I can't be nice to her. So what do I do? Either way it's going to hurt. Painful. Pain. I can stand most forms of pain, but to hurt someone who really doesn't deserve it will eat away at me for a long time. I'll go over it in my head, every detail of the situation untill I can't forget it even when I think that I've repented enough to forget finally. My shrink says that I should try to stop, and I've pretty much given up on branding those new images into my head, but the ones that are already there still stick. Now I know that we all make mistakes, some of you would like to think that you don't, but we all know that you do and that we ourselves do also. But I still brand those images into my head. Mistakes can go on and on for years if one isn't careful though, (read: the rants and ravings in IE from certain people...not just one person I might add) and I guess I'm afraid that my mistakes will go on like that too. And that I'll have done something horrid enough to go to hell. Not that I'm afraid of hell conciously, because conciously I don't belive in hell, nor in heaven, though I do belive in god sometimes, and I pray since it can't hurt. I'm not really religious because I think that to be too rooted in religion leaves one open for shots and closed to debate, the number one pastime when it comes easily. I don't think that religion is a bad thing, it gives some people a social life and others (read again: me) a job and some others something to think about and even have a purpose in life to fight. I don't think that it should be something to physically fight over, because that is missing the whole silly point of religion, but it doesn't hurt if it's fun to debate and it doesn't hurt anyone. And to be open-minded is only a virtue in today's place and time. Because there is so much that todays people, us the future, have to accept and realize won't go away. It's not really racial anymore, that was something that we (I) would like to think is of our parents time, though it is more likely an issue of sexual orientation; I think that we are definetely more tolerant of anything. We see movies and shows with cussing that at lest my parents cringe at, and I just sit there and although I realize that it isn't exactly cool to swear, it doesn't bother me when people do it. Maybe it's just 'cause I'm young, though I tell my parents it's 'cause I hear worse at school, though I usually don't, but I think it's because, as a whole, we know that swearing is for show, and that it doesn't mean anything to us anymore. Foul langugue isn't something spared, and like anything else that we get a lot of, it doesn't mean anything to us. Get a lot of something and it becomes invaluable. Today cussing means more if it isn't there, if you can get kicked in the shin or drop your lunch tray or something really messy and not yell "SH*T!". It means more if you are cool enough not to have to swear at every turn. So in the end, silence is more powerful than speech. I hope that this has been more powerful than if I had sat silently, but since I am being hypocritical by saying all of this, then I apologise, as I will always. Thank you for reading this though, I know that it must mean something to someone.
~Achemd Unveiled
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