CONSPIRACY THEORIES: Are you a victim?

Many of you believe in the paranormal. Many of you also believe that the government is out to get you. But do you believe that Elvis is alive? (If so, this really isn't the place for you, people like you belong far away from the rest of us...) Ah, but do you also believe that tin-foil men live in your refrigerator and peanut-butter jar and watch you whenever you open and close the doors? (I think I'll need your help on that one, NL...) If so, this is the place for you. All stories are believable (if you add "in bed") here, so think about it.

Boris_Yeltzin
Peanut_Men
Scientists_are_evil_Wizards!
Carrots_will_kill_you!
Boris Yeltzin Is Dead!
Contrary to popular belief, the man known as Boris Yeltzin is not currently living. He, as all other old white leaders of this age, is meerly a marionette, a puppet to the media. These leaders are literally mechanical, their living beings having died many years ago. They have strings attached to their limbs and jaws, and have stand-ins for the live stuff. Do you really belive that this man could have danced the Macarana only days after his bypass heart surgery? I for one do not. And is there any proof that this thing with Clinton is real? No, they simply paid those women to press charges against the poor man's dead body. Nothing is real, beware the dangers of mass media.
Peanut Men Come Alive!
So you say that you don't want to believe in the Pilsbury dough boy. Well listen to this: There are tin-foil aliens in your Peanut Butter jar! Try to find them- they are gone, but what makes that cat of yours suddenly attack you when you open the refrigerator door? Is it the smell of leftover turkey? Is it that opened can of cat food? Of course not, it is those little foil men that your cat is warning you of. Be careful of them, you never know what they learn by listening to your stomach growl.
Scientists are evil wizards!
Do you really believe that all matter is divided up and up 'till it's so small that nobody can see it? If nobody can see it, then how come we need to think that it's there? And of course, it's really not there. Our scientists are out there for a profit, to scare us into believing that they are all wonderful beings. To the contrary, I am the smallest organisim, or rather, a grain of sand is, to be more precise. Whatever can not be broken any more is as small as it gets. Leave those microscopes, create wholeness.
Carrots will kill you!
Carrots are a health hazard! Every carrot you eat brings you closer to death. Although leading horticulturists have long known that “draccus carrotoa” is a delicious vegtable, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the phrase: “Sure they help your night vision, but what do they do to your liver?” Carrots are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars, death, and even communisim! They are responsible for nearly all auto accidents and airline tragedies. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and the consumption of this vegtable. For example:
Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists: Rats force fed 20lbs of carrots per day developed bulging abdomens. Their apetite for wholesome foods entirely vanished and it killed most of them before their next meal. The only way to avoid the deterious effects of carrot eating is to completely change your diet. Our recomendation is to eat plenty of Orchid Petal soup. Hardly anyone has had problems from eating that. Yet.
More later, stay tuned!
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