I blow the smoke out into the air, not really inhaling. I have to go home, after all, and my mom doesn’t like to know that I smoke. She’d really just like to think I don’t exist at all, and the smell of cigarette smoke is simply another wafting reminder of my existence. But that’s another story, for another time. That night, it was just the guys and myself, wasting away, not wanting to go home. Scuffing our feet, hugging ourselves against the cold and talking shit.

Speaking of talking shit, my mind was slowly drawn back into the conversation, and I began listening to two of the guys talking about a movie that they were going to go see. The conversation went something like this:
“Yeah, my friend told me that two of the chicks kiss.”
“Dude, that’s totally hot. Lesbians are so cool.”
Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I think he’s going to see it again, so maybe I’ll go too. I’ll tell you if it’s any good.”
“It’s gotta be good, I mean, like, there’s two chicks making out. What could be better than that?”
“Dude, just don’t bring your girlfriend, alright?”

Their conversation was not unlike many others I hear, all the time. I have never really understood why guys get off on two girls making out, even though I should, I mean, I know why I think that it’s hot. So there I was, feeling like because I am a girl (female, chick, woman, gal, etc.), I should say something, and yet I didn’t quite know what to say. So I stood there, and went through my options in my head.

I could ask, for the umpteenth time, why the hell two girls together are so hot. But I dismissed this because there wasn’t really any coherent way for them to answer. It just IS hot. Nothing more to it. That, and I didn’t really care why they thought it was hot. I mainly just wanted to stick up for lesbians, and women in general.

I could tell them that I was in great need of cash, and would they pay me if I made out with my girlfriend in front of them? But I also quickly dismissed that because, A. My girlfriend would never agree, B. I knew they didn’t have enough cash to make it worth my while, and C. It never pays to tell guys you’re a lesbian because they just think it’s hot. I know this from too many parties, too much cheap beer.

I could ask them to make out with each other because I think that’s hot, just to teach them a lesson. But that option wouldn’t work either, because frankly I don’t really think that two guys is hot (duh, I’m a lesbian), they would never agree, and I would be excluded from further conversations and smoke breaks with them.

Fortunately, at this point they realized that I existed and decided that it wouldn’t get them any dates (the ones without girlfriends) if they talked about lesbians around a girl, so I didn’t end up having to make any choices about what to say. It was too bad for them that they wouldn’t get dates anyway, certainly not with me.

So instead, we parted ways, flicking the last bits of ash and cigarette butts onto the ground and getting into our ghetto-ass cars. As a parting comment, I yelled across the parking lot to them;
“Dude, for all it’s worth, I think it’s hot too.”

All heads turned, but by that point, I was in my car and outta there. I’d get to find out at work the next day what they thought of that, but right then I didn’t give a shit. I had home to think about, and finding another way out of this stupid town. Maybe some day I’ll leave McDonalds, leave this town, leave my smart-ass girlfriend, and make a million bucks. Or maybe I’ll just stick around, live with my mom, smoke some more with the guys, and get left by my girlfriend when she goes to college and makes something of herself.

There are lots of great things about being a lesbian in a shitty town like this one. There are also a lot of things that suck. It’s better than being a gay guy though. And as my mom says in her oh-so-disparaging way,