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Time and Family Arrangements

Thank you for making such a great site! I'm curious about your living arrangements. Do you have fixed times you spend alone with each wife? How does it work?

We originally began that way. Each wife had a night I would spend with her in strict rotation. Though the system was very fair it was not flexible enough for us. Sometimes one wife needs extra time to deal with a particular problem (this is especially true in a new marriage while a new wife is settling in - the new wife needs time to "feel at home" and the first wives - and particularly the last one - usually wrestles alot with jealosy and needs special attention). After we had settled down as a family and overcome the various jealosies (which comes with better familiarity) we decided we would abandon the "fixed time" system at it was too "legalistic" in its approach and implied (on the wives' part) that I was not trustworthy enough to organise it myself.

Is the oldest wife the "head wife" in the family? Or do you have some other arrangement?

There is no female headship - we believe in strict equality. The first wife is absolutely not the "head" though I know this principle is practically indispensible in non-Christian polygamous households. I am very blessed because the oldest (and therefore the most experienced) wife shows impartiality. There is what one might call "spiritual headship" which is non-compulsive, non-legalistic. By that I mean some wives are clearly more skilled in some areas than others. Thus they will naturally "defer" to one another.

Are your wives keen to recruit other wives or would they rather that things just settled as they are?

Both is the most truthful answer I can give. And that's true for me too. Occasionally, when a dark spirit enters (and praise God it's almost never now) we would rather there was only a monogamous relationship (in times of stress like persecution or financial difficulties - but seriously, we never mean it for we love each other so much)!!

We have to be clear about motives here, whether they are carnal or spiritual. The carnal spirit wants exclusive possession. The godly spirit wants to increase and multiply love. Yes, I think I can truthfully say that my wives want to increase the family very much though we are very picky -- as I've said a hundred times, the new wife must be 100% committed to Christ. Anything else would be to introduce intolerable instability into the family. There would only be one exception to this rule -- a direct revelation from the Lord to bring a wife in who has problems who we could minister to. The Christian community is a saving one and we cannot always be so exclusive as to never allow for the possibility of bringing in a woman who needs help. Such does, of course, require tremendous committment and I don't believe can happen until there are mature wives who have a special anointing of the Spirit.

What do you do when you get worn out? That must be tough for someone in your position.

Simple. My wives rally around and are a wonderful support. They know what I'm capable of and what I'm not. I guess you're talking about sex here?

How does having vaccations work? That must be a problem with such a big family!

Yes, it can be, if you think as the world thinks. Going away on a traditional family holiday is not practical either financially or socially for it means you must keep to yourselves (unless you're with other patriarchal Christians). It's been a long time since we all "went abroad" on a holiday but now we're a much bigger family.

What tends to happen is that each wife takes her children with her to visit family and occasionally friends who are supportative of us. It's far from ideal but it's one of the sacrifices you must make living this life-style. We must remember, though, that the whole idea of a "vaccation" or a "holiday" is a pagan one. The word "holiday" originally meant "Holy Day", it being a contraction of the latter. In Israel people "went on holiday" by commemorating Yahweh's feasts in Jerusalem. We are moving in that direction by gradual increments. We regularly have visitors to our community and celebrate together. That gives us much pleasure and recreation time.

Who does the laundry in the family?

Each wife takes care of her own laundry and the laundry of her own children. The teenage children do their own laundry. My own laundry is shared between the wives.

How are the domestic finances managed? How, for instance, do you decide what to buy and not to buy? Aren't there conflicts there?

There is always the potential for conflict particularly when it comes to personal tastes. As ever some sort of compromise must be reached. In a well established polygamous family the wives understand each other and there is some give-and-take. My responsibility is to set certain standards and resolve conflicts.

Again gospel principles are the best arbitrator. We are stewards of our resources and should not be wasteful. There is a difference between necessities and luxuries. As Christians our surplass goes towards the work of the Kingdom. We do, of course, have treats, but we are not ostentatious.

Can you give me an example in your family where the kind of love you say is to be found in polygamous marriage is superior to monogamous love?

When one wife says, in complete honesty and without any feelings of regret, that she wants me to spend the night with another wife because she feels she (the other wife) badly needs me. Can you imagine that in a monogamous relationship? Never! Yet it has happened in our home. When the wives love each other so much that they only want the best for them, then paradise has come on earth. It means also that they are living in the complete security of my love for them, never doubting that I am partial. This is the great mystery of polygamy that monogamists can never understand. It's ultimate sharing.

What do you feel to be your greatest challenge as a polygamist a decade on?

On a practical level becoming more economically sufficient. It's an expensive principle to live. Because we do not tell the state authorities the way we are living we forfeit such state benefits as might become available otherwise. So we pay high taxes but without the benefit of the welfare state. That's quite tough and it's been quite a big sacrifice for us, especially seeing neighbours and friends living in a more luxurious lifestyle. But we wouldn't exchange our world for their for anything in the world. The love we share is incomparable.

We also want to see others come into the family - we want to grow and increase the circle of our love. Finding godly Christian women who are open to the Spirit of God is not, however, easy. (And such men are even rarer). We know they're "out there" but getting in contact is a real problem. Hence this homepage.

Lastly, our greatest challenge has to be getting nearer to the Lord - improving the quality and quanitity of our worship and prayer, and becoming more evangelistic. Polygamy exists, in the final analysis, as a means to witness the love of Yahshua (Jesus) and the miracle His Spirit can bring to individuals and families.

First created on 4 February 1999
Last updated on 4 February 1999


Copyright ©1999 Chavurah Bekorot