inner strength's October Ruminations
October 1999 October 2000
I decided to move anyway to another building in the same apartment complex. I was able to rent a 2 bedroom, 1000 square foot newly rebuilt apartment. This rental did not come easy to me, however. For the past six months, I asked the apartment manager for a larger apartment, only to be told there were none. I knew this wasn't the case because I saw empty apartments all the time. I gave a deposit on another apartment in another part of the city. I meant business! When I handed in my notice to the apartment manager, he "miraculously" found the one I moved into last weekend. See? We have to make our own way in this world.
I absolutely love this new "home"--and I don't use the word home loosely either. I hated to leave the birds that had come to depend on me. I took my bird feeders to my next door neighbor, and she hung them under her patio. Some birds feed there while others flew away. I felt better moving knowing the birds had a source of food. I have my feeder in my new apartment on the third floor. Only a couple of chickadees have found it which makes me hopeful that others will follow.
For the first time in years I feel like working and have motivation to move forwards. This new home of mine has given me that motivation. I went into debt buying some new furniture and accessories. I don't mind too much because these things will bear my imprint and style for the first time in my life. This makes me feel great about myself. Even my dog and cat seem happier than I remember. The other day I found some cat toys I bought my cat for Christmas last year (I do celebrate holidays for my "kiddies"). She refused to play with any of them. I hung one with a bell and feather on a door knob anyway. Last night I woke to a bell ringing. When I looked to see the origin of the noise, I say my cat playing with the toy! What a joyous site to see! While putting away "stuff" today, I found long lost framed pictures of my ancestors. Among those pictures was one of my great grandmother who I never met. She was from Germany and never learned one word of English. However, deplete in the language area, she wasn't in the cooking area. I proudly put the picture on one wall to see if it would "go" there. The smell of her recipes for stollen, cinnamon rolls, and other pastries permeated the room. Oh how I love the fall with all its new beginnings, bright, colorful trees, and holiday spirits in the air.
copyright 1999 by inner_strength.geo
[ November Ruminations forthcoming]
At first I thought I had nothing to write this month. I was burned out a bit--no motivation with sleep deprivation from living in a cramped, noisy, drug infested building. I wanted to move, but moving seemed a chore for me since I just moved New Year's. Three times in as many years seemed unstable to me, and I wanted more than anything to have some roots for once.
October 2000
I tried to sell my house but the realtor said I would only lose money. I do not like it here any longer. The isolation way out here is killing me. The small town clique mentality with nothing to do for entertainment is also killing me. My spirit is weak. The only thing keeping me going is one word: survivor. This experience has undoubtedly been the most personally challenging for me. No outside force has ever been as challenging as this internal war I am experiencing. Once Winter sets in, I am stuck here until Spring. I will give myself until then. If I do not feel any differently, then I will return to the big city lights where my family lives--even if it means losing money. What is money without loved ones around us? Right now, I am jaded with the writings of Henry David Thoreau. This is more like Paradise Lost!
[Monthly Ruminations]