Let me began this story by first introducing myself. My name is Paul Burns. My wife, Traci, and I live in Dallas, Georgia. Together we have a son, Joshua. He is 14 months old. Traci is helping me raise my daughter Ashley as well. She is 8 years old.

To fully explain to you, how I have come to this point in my life, I must go back to where I went wrong. I will tell you the story of a young man who thought he had all the answers. I will explain to you how wrong he was. I was that young man.

I will begin when I was 17 years old. I had made a number of mistakes prior to this, but this is when I really began to go down the wrong path. I had been raised Catholic, and attended Catholic school from Kindergarten thru 8^th grade. I had gotten to the point that I believed I no longer needed church or God in my life. I was in control of my own destiny. You see, in Catholic school when you question things, you usually get sent out of the room. We had these little weekly missals in the church, and some sort of text book for "religion" class. I don’t think I had ever read out of any Bible until I was in High School. At that point it wasn’t sinking in. The first big decision I made was to drop out of school. One week into my senior year, I dropped out. It was September of 1989. I knew it all. I didn’t need school either. Here is where my story begins.

In January of 1990, I was working for the local McDonalds. I had just turned 18 and had what I considered freedom. I met this seemingly wonderful young woman. Her name was Lisa. She was 34 years old and had 3 children. Jared was 11, Mathew was 7, and Lauren was 18 months. Her husband had left them with her parents and gone back to his home. He had been having trouble dealing with his layoff, and rebounding from the loss of income. He eventually came back, and with her father’s help, rented a house for them to live in. Things were both stressed and tight between he and Lisa. She worked days at McDonalds and he worked nights at a local grocery store. By mid February Lisa and I were getting very involved with one another. We made plans to be together. We snuck around after the store closed. We were each other’s best friends. She was still married to Mike, but nothing was going to stop us from being together. In April we moved her and the children into a friends duplex. By May we had rented the other side and were living together. It took almost seven months to finally get her divorced from Mike. But in December of 1990 she was as good as mine. Or so I thought. She was pregnant with our first child, but she would not marry me. She kept telling me that she just didn’t want to ever go through all of that again. I convinced myself that it was just a sheet of paper, and I would just consider her my wife. Ashley was born on May 7, 1991. I was so proud. She was so beautiful I could hardly put her down. By February of 1992, Lisa was pregnant with our second child. Although everyone loved Ashley dearly, I knew that both her family and mine disapproved of our relationship. The age difference bothered them. The conceiving of a child out of wedlock bothered them. In April of 1992, without telling either set of parents we were expecting, we moved to Columbus, Ohio. Lisa was originally from there, and still had friends there as well. Dylan was born on October 20, 1992. I had a son. Here again, I knew I didn’t need anything but myself. Look at what I had accomplished. I was 20 years old. I had my own place, my own car, nice things, 3 beautiful stepchildren and 2 of my own. I had a good job as a warehouse manager. What could be missing?

Well, I lost my job. The owner passed away, and his kids more or less shut it down. My car was reposed, and my credit really began to go down hill. I was delivering newspapers on a bicycle in the mornings, and waiting tables at night. I walked to work, the grocery store, everywhere. Things just got worse and worse. My dad helped. He bought us a car, and said we could make payments to him. To this day I have never repaid him for that car. Still things kept getting worse. The kids got older, and naturally needed more and more things. The grocery bill each month was ever growing. I did anything and everything I could, to keep us afloat. I even wrote bad checks. Waiting tables introduced me to the bar life. After work I’d pick up Lisa and we’d stay out playing darts and singing karaoke until 3:00am. This just continued the strain on our relationship. We grew further and further apart. I began to see her in a whole different light. I felt like I would just keep sinking until I pulled away from her.

In the summer of 1996, after many break-ups and getting back together, we finally called it quits. I moved out and got an apartment with a friend. You would think I could have pulled myself back together then. I was a DJ at a local bar. Five nights a week I would play music and have a Karaoke show till the wee hours of the morning. I had my children with me on the weekends and sometimes during the day. God must have been watching over them, for I surely wasn’t able too. I was constantly drunk, hanging out with a loose crowd. I knew I was drowning, but I just couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it. I still thought I could do it all on my own. In December of 1996 I came home with the kids to visit my family for Christmas. They were all going through their share of hard times, but they were all happy. I remember thinking as I drove back to Columbus with the kids, how unhappy I was. I knew I had to get away from there. I knew I had to get back home and start over. It was the only way. I got back on New Years Eve 1996. I dropped the kids off and went straight to the bars with my "friends". Things didn’t get better, they just kept getting worse. Sometime in April, it was the normal Saturday morning. I was hung over and in bed. Dylan came into the room and woke me up to play. I just rolled over and told him to go watch TV like always. For whatever the reason, this day he didn’t. He took my hand and sat on the floor and began to cry. He just kept saying, "You never play with me anymore." In all my life, I had never felt lower than at this moment. I got up and held him. I promised him everything would be all right, and that his daddy would never be like this again. This was it. This was the turning point. I was determined to get through this, but I still thought I could do it alone. I begged Lisa to pack it all up, give me another chance, return to Georgia with me. She had remarried to a mutual friend back in February, but I knew that was just to get back at me. She wouldn’t here of it though. She was still caught up in that lifestyle I had led us to. She let me take the children with me, for what she now claims was only a visit. I know I believed they were coming with me forever. I also believed that she would come around and eventually return as well.

On May 1, 1997 I packed up and moved down with Dylan. I returned for Ashley as soon as school was out in June. I began to realize I couldn’t do this alone. For the first time in almost 10 years, I began to pray. I went to church with my family a couple of times, but the Catholic Church just doesn’t sit well with me. I had to find some other place to feel at ease. At work I met this wonderful young lady. Traci was so full of life. She seemed so eager to be a part of mine. The children didn’t scare her away, only seemed to bring her closer to me. I was so completely drawn to her. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. To this very day, I question if I ever loved Lisa. I’m sure I felt love for her, but nothing like this. We went one Sunday to Wildwood Baptist Church. A remarkable man, who God speaks so fluently through, was preaching. Then and there it happened. I have never felt so convicted and compelled in all my life. In the Pastor’s own words God pierced my heart and opened me to him. I met with him after the service and asked him to speak with me later. I had only gone there with the intent of being polite to Traci. She had come with me to the Catholic Church, so I felt obligated to go and see her church. I never expected what was to come. I met with Pastor Russ the following Tuesday afternoon. I prayed with him to bring Jesus into my life as my lord and savior. This, my friends, is where my story truly begins.

I was told I would be tested, and that there would be spiritual warfare that would be waged. I can tell you I have been tested many times since that day. I have both passed and failed those test. It is a constant struggle to remind myself that He alone holds the plan for my life. I pray everyday that God will give me the strength to do the right thing. I didn’t instantly become a wonderful non-sinning person. I became a person who would seek God to help me through it all. I became a person who would ask Jesus into my heart. I would never have to be alone again. Once you have God in your life, he will never abandon you. The poem "footprints" has taken on a special meaning to me. I praise God for the numerous times he has carried me. I ask him to forgive me everyday, for I am still a sinner.

It is now late August of 1997. My children have to return to Ohio to live with their mother. There is nothing I can do. The law states we were never married and therefore I am not even legally recognized as their father. I file a petition here in Georgia, asking to legitimize the children, and set up some sort of custody agreement. This goes on back and forth until January of 1998. Traci and I were married on December 20, 1997. This greatly upset Lisa, and caused further lack of communication between her and I. In late January, We received a call from her. She states she has had her husband arrested for domestic violence against her. She asks for my help to get the children out of there, and to find her a place to stay. My wife and I buy plane tickets for the children, and I call a friend of Lisa and I to make arrangements for her to stay with her. The children fly down the next morning. We are so elated to see them. For days we here nothing from Lisa, and there is no answer at her home. I filed for temporary custody based on what I knew had happened. It was granted and the permanent hearing was set for March 9, 1998. We enrolled Ashley in School, and got Dylan involved in pre kindergarten classes at Roswell Street. We took them to church and Sunday school with us. Everything was going so well, and they were so happy. On March 9, 1998 we went into court to find Lisa there with her husband and attorney. We were dealt a severe blow that day. Her attorney argued that Georgia had no jurisdiction over these children. They were residents of the state of Ohio and Ohio should hear the case. The judge, without hearing any evidence, sent them back to Ohio that night. I was devastated. My wife and our families were devastated. How could this be, we had prayed so hard. It is not my place to question God’s plan. I was so hurt, but with His help I pushed on. We hired counsel in Ohio. They assured me that winning a custody case against the natural mother is not easy. We opted to settle out of court with her. We agreed that I would have the children during the summer and over their breaks during the school year. Basically she would have them for 3/4^ths of the year and I would have them for 1/4^th the year. This was apparently the best deal I could get. Fearing that she would cut off contact between the children and myself again, I agreed.

That was in June of 1998. The children came down and we had a wonderful summer. We bought our house. Their baby brother was born just before they had to return to start school. It would prove to be the last time I would see Dylan alive. Just 12 days before they would come to visit for Christmas vacation, everything would forever change. I remember being in the garage that night. My mother pulled into the driveway. This was strange, for she did not stop by without calling first. We live almost 30 minutes apart, it was getting late, and she had to work the next day. She got out of the car and was ghostly white. I knew something was wrong, but all she could get out was their had been an accident. I first thought something must have happened to one of my sisters, or brother. She finally got out the words "not here, up in Ohio". Everything becomes a blur at this point. I can vaguely remember her saying "Dylan’s dead". I was in so much pain, my heart felt as if it would stop. I cried so hard and screamed so loud, but he was gone. I would never hold him on this earth again.

You may wonder how my faith remained unshaken. It is only through God’s help that I survived this at all. The little person who woke me up, and got me on the right path, was gone. I’ve been told he was out playing in the apartment complex. He had just turned six. He apparently went into the complex’s pool area, where he fell in. There was standing rainwater and leaves, and he couldn’t hold his head above the water. He drowned. He was noticed missing about half an hour or so later. After hours of searching, they found his lifeless little body. There was nothing anyone could do. God had already called him home.

I won’t go into detail, but the events surrounding the days before and after his death, have brought my daughter home to me. I can’t make any sense of why Dylan had to go. I’m just thankful to have Ashley with me. I am thankful for my wife and Joshua. I am thankful that every day God is with me and helps me through this. I pray that any who would read this, would come to know He’s there for you as well. With God in my life I am able to do anything. I have no doubt Dylan is safe with Jesus now. I miss him so much, but I’m thankful for the time I did have with him. I’m thankful for the gift he gave me. If your life is not where you want it to be, stop and ask God for help. I promise you he will always be there and that he will never abandon you. I have often kept silent about the events in my life. I still feel ashamed for the pain I did cause, the wrongs I committed, and the people I have hurt. I still don’t do everything right, I still make mistakes, but I know where I’m going and I know who will be waiting when I get there. Won’t you come to?

In the days after my son’s death, I felt inspired to write this:

I awoke from my sleep to hear you say

"Get up my Daddy, it’s time to play!"

All around I looked, but nowhere in sight,

It was just my dreams in the dark of night.

I laid my head, back down to sleep,

Tears filled my eyes; I began to weep.

To hear you laugh, to see you smile,

I’d do anything to hold you awhile.

You’re gone from this earth, my beautiful boy,

And with Jesus you walk, what greater joy?

You’ll always be with me, for this I know,

Six wonderful years, then you had to go.

Your spirit was simply too sweet for this place,

Your smile could bring joy to anyone’s face.

My heart is breaking, for I miss you so much,

I know you’re okay, but just one more touch….

How can I make it, without seeing you grow?

For your brother and sister, I push on you know.

With this I’ll close; One thing I must do,

You’re My Buddy, My Boy, and I Love You!

--Daddy

To all who may read this, may I witness to thee I can get through it all, it’s just Jesus and me.