took out for the simple fact that I didn't want to offend anyone, especially my web page provider

and parents. I hope you enjoy these and if you have any to contribute, just e-mail them to me.

Farmer Joe ï Golf Anyone? ï Resumes ï The UPS Worker ï Darwin Award

Local Barï GirlFriend v1.0 ï Little Johnny ï Hi-Tech Urinal ï Business Slogans

Food and Heaven ï Toddler Miracle Diet ï Revenge ï Mechanic's Definitions

Embarrassing Beans ï Top 5 Reasons Computers are Male/Female

 Back to the Top

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident)

to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer

interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer

and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this

man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear

what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,

into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was

thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and

groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie

moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across

the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon

until all of the juice ran into a glass, & hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many

people had tried over time , weight lifters, longshoreman, etc., but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses &

a polyester suit, & said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, &

squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his

fist around the lemon & six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 & asked the little man, "What do you do for a

living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter or what? The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Back to the Top_____________________________________________________________________

Subj: Golf Anyone?

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had

to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor

left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew

from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter

leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed,

and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled

and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

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I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies

1.0 forever as my primary application and all the GirlFriend Releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if

GirlFriend runs an emulation program and the sound is turned off. Unfortunately, the Drinking Buddies emulation for GirlFriend never seems to work. I just run

them separately and it works OK. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.

But after months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough

cache to run GirlFriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

 Shortly after that, I installed a beta version of GirlFriend 3.0. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I booted up it gave me a virus.

I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also

installed a virus protection program. It worked OK for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0

with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of

GirlFriend and uninstalls itself then shuts the system down.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't

understand, much less program. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked

how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".

 A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriend Plus 1.0, which is a terminate and stay resident version. He discovered that

GirlFriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he

describes as a huge resource hog. It has used up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0

was because it came bundled with FreeSex Plus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex Plus, particularly the new plug-ins he wanted to try.

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything else. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an

automatic pop-up feature can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife

1.0 will delete all your MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't even install due to insufficient resources.

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These are excerpts from resumes and cover letters which were originally published in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.

 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7."It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet, so you can "ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

12. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengagd. Uninvolved. No

commitments."

13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond

to my resume on my office voice mail."

15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusing completely no one and

absolutely nothing."

16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in

meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

18. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

19. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. "Instrumental in ruining enire operation for a Midwest chain store."

21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". I have

never quit a job.

22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to

work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. I could not work under those conditions."

24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

26. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor. So, he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water,

a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water

writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as

a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely

responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!!!!!!"

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THE UPS WORKER

- Submitted by Ebner Bales

A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local

brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100,

what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search

of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a

union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the UPS

man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame,

then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

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This is from an article in the Wall Street Journal (5/13/97), about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's

John F. Kennedy Airport:

The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals

would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns

into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain. "It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist,

directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the

technology to New York. "We will put flies in the urinals-yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new general manager, the boss

as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."

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As you may already know the Darwin award is awarded to those members of the human race that do the most to contribute to the gene pool by removing

themselves from it.

 John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at George Washington.

Having no tickets but 18 beers among them they sat in the parking lot and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine

foot high fence and sneak into the show.

 The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John, 100 pounds heavier than Sal, to hop over, and then assist his friend over

the fence. Unfortunately for John, the fence had a 30 foot drop on the other side. Having heaved himself over he found himself crashing through a tree, falling

to the ground. His fall was abruptly stopped by a large branch which had been snagged by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked

down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceed to cut away his shorts to

free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into, Holly bushes, the sharp leaves scratched his whole body, and now being without his

shorts he was the unwilling victim of a Holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and

landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However,

weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went bad. Sal in his

drunken state, put the truck into the wrong gear, and proceeded to press on the gas and crash through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was

thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene. Police arrive to find, a pickup truck, with its driver thrown 100 feet from the

vehicle, and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his ass, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from

the trees, 25 feet in the air.

 "Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface."

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From "American Demographics" magazine: 

Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:

 When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

 Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

 Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated

man to make a chicken affectionate."

 When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in German

is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.  

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally.

The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

 When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that

the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."

 When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label. Later they found

out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what is inside since most people can not read.

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FOOD AND HEAVEN

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her

interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful

kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied,

"this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday

and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply,

"This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?"

asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low

cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get

fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for

your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new

diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise,

you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE ---

Breakfast:

One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the

jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch:

Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of

 milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:

A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime

snack:

Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO ---

Breakfast:

Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch:

Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack:

Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner:

A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape kool-aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE ---

Breakfast:

Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up

yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch:

Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner:

Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast:

A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy,

drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch:

Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner:

A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Back to the Top-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over

To her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed

and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I

embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

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Mechanics Definitions

 HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not

far from the object we are trying to hit.

 MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

 ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for

drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to

the palm of your hand.

 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket

drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from

the PX at Fort Campbell.

 ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.

 WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems

from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

 DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint

whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs,

trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

 EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

 TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have

forgotten to disconnect.

 CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the

end without the handle. 

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining

that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin",

which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the

same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than

light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,

as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago

by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Tom Kroos

 Back to the Top-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and

somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself,

She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that

they were married.

 A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. He called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to

walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk,

he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered. And before leaving had three extra large helpings of

baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably

safe. 

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for

dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.  

At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

 She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.

He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his

napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a

diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.  

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a

real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear

tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then

fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on

his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. She apologizing for taking

so long, and asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!

To his shock and horror..., there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Back to the Top**************************************************************************************

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

 5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

 4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

 3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

 2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested

so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

 1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention. 

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE

 5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

 4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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