In answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

I submit the following:

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute,assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on first day of the year.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE! NERDS RULE

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain.

"God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

How to tell if you might be a "High Tech Redneck"

-------------------------------------------------

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".

If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.

If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal.

If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all".

If you throw AOL trial diskettes in the back of your pickup truck.

(Pronounce MIASS as my-ass) Subject: Manufacturing Information Access Software System (MIASS)

This memo is to announce the development of a new plant- wide software system. We are currently building a data warehouse that will contain all plant manufacturing data. The program is referred to as the "Manufacturing Information Access Software System" (MIASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MIASS. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MIASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person can be in MIASS at a time. This should change as MIASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MIASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MIASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MIASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MIASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MIASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MIASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MIASS.

We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MIASS. As MIASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MIASS."

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MIASS".

Subject: Mergers & Acquisitions

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone." Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal." The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest," according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence." Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly," though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're doing." When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place." Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.

About Microsoft: Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.

About the United States: Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

Three woman talk about their husbands .... Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slap me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it...".

* TOP ELEVEN BILL GATES DIARY ENTRIES *

11 Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

10 Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.

9 The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.

8 Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!

7 Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

6 Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

5 Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yessssss!

4 Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

3 Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.

2 Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary...

1 Seventh day: rested.

* DOGS AND COMPUTERS -- Same or different? *

Favorite Food Dogs: kibbles Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property D: dog not found C: file not found

Favorite trick D: roll over C: play dead

Comic-page hero D: Dogbert C: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads D: peanut butter on roof of mouth C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus D: replace valuable carpeting C: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate D: leash law C: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool D: pooper-scooper C: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory D: lifting leg C: "Designed for Windows 95"

Unique behavior D: lick and drag C: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature D: dewclaw C: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan D: 12 years C: 12 months

At end of useful life D: euthanasia C: tax deduction

New Support Fees:

Calling me with a question - $10 **Calling me with a stupid question - $30 **Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $50 **Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000 + punitive damages **Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $50 **Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00 **Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100 **Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $200 **Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $25/step **Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas **If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $170/hr **If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $250/hr **If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr **If you've come to ask me why something isn't working while I'm currently working on it- $270/hr **If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $175/hr **If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr **If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr **If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr **Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00 **Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." **Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00 **Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00 **Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00 **Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00** Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00 **Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00 BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00 **Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00 **Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees - $35.00 **Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00 **Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00 **Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00 **Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00 **Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet transciver back in - $375.00 **Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400 **Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50 **Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10 **Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500 **Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25 **Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50 **Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100 per program **Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not :)) **Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard **Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor **Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system **Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed **Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve - $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy :) **Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200 **Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25 **Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50 **Spending 30 minutes trying to figureout what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $40 **Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology) **Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25 **Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45 **Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55 **Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server) **Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15 **If I wrote the sign - $45 **If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75 **Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00 **Reporting it more than once - $50.00 **Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

Beeper Prices:

Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $150 **Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left - $200 **Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200 **Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep **Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $55 **Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odor - $175.00/hour **Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $150.00/hour **Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $300.00/hour **Dealing with computer hobbiests - $500.00/hour

Questioning the other prices .................................$50

The DOS 10 Commandments ------------------------------------------------------------------------

1.I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.

2.Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack .

3.Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.

4.Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.

5.Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out .

6.Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.

7.Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0

8.Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof .

9.Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.

10.Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.

Microsoft Unveils New Joe-Bob(tm) Software ------------------------------------------------------------------------

REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.

"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals," explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!"

Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.

The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse.

"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere," he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their monitors.

"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just catering to a demand, that's all."

Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps." Apple declined to comment.

Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s Scott Adams Windows Magazine, May 1995 ------------------------------------------------------------------------

I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner. Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex appeal.

So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead. But that skill is becoming less important every year. Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:

•Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support)

. •Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.

•Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.

And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone.

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet. In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.

Choice in Air Travel ------------------------------------------------------------------------ MS-DOS Airline

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then they push again jump on again, and so on.

Mac Airline

All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

OS/2 Airline

To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill our a form showing where you want to sit and whether the plane should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the plane and the plane succeeds in taking off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the time when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.

Windows 95 Airline

The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, and easy access to the plane. After the plane arrives, 6 months late, you have a completely uneventful takeoff... then, once in the air the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Airline

All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane.They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Airline

Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport.They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together.Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.All passengers believe they got there.

Mach Airline

There is no airplane. The passengers gather and shout for an airplane, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the plane with them. These people all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The plane finally takes off, leaving the passengers on the ground waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the plane lands, the pilot telephones the passengers at the departing airport to inform them that they have arrived.

Newton Airline

After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the plane. Upon boarding the plane you are asked your name. After 46 times, the crew member recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.

VMS Airline

The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians.The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.

New technology...

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and AMD), were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting. Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call. "So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie.After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere. "The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping.He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call."So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?" The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

Proper Care of Floppy Diskettes ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!!

1.Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

6.Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

7.If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

8.Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9.Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

10.Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

11.Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Computer Geek Quiz ------------------------------------------------------------------------

1.I have moss growing:

A) In my garden B) In my bathroom C) In my kitchen D) On my teeth

2.When I open my mouth at parties, people:

A) Listen B) Ease away slowly C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat

3.I think computers are:

A) Uninteresting B) Interesting C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do

4.I think sheep are:

A) Uninteresting B) Interesting C) Annoyingly far away from where I live

5.The Usenet Oracle is:

A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much B) Interesting C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me

6.The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:

A) Difficult to understand B) Impossible to understand C) Clearly from a different planet D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures

7.Bill Gates is:

A) Bill who? B) Very wealthy C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products D) The Antichrist

8.In general, people:

A) Like me B) Don't like me C) People? What people?

9.My friends are:

A) Diverse B) People I know from work or school C) Wearing the same clothing I am

10.My dream vacation is:

A) Tibet B) Europe C) California D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee

11.My job prospects are:

A) Abysmal B) Adequate C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never! D) They pay people to do this? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.

19 or more : Yep. You're a computer geek, all right. 13 - 18 : You're a geek of some stripe or another. 7 - 12 : Probably not a geek, but watch it... 0 - 6 : If you're of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello?

More Troubles for the Tech Support ------------------------------------------------------------------------ True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he could not stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

It isn't easy fielding tech support calls ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton (Austin, Texas):

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat, and still failing to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up, and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

How to determine whether you're a nerd... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ •If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" •If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner •If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie •If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas •If Dilbert is your hero •If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE •If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes •If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail (yes this is me!!) •If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 •If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place •If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys •If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car •If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts •If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string •If you window shop at Radio Shack •If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies •If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area •If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run •If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment •If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is •If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven •If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush •If you own "Official Star Trek" anything •If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside •If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception •If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project •If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor •If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts •If you have never backed-up your hard drive •If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud •If you truly believe aliens are living among us •If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance • If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is" •If you see a good design and still have to change it •If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions •If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it •If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind •If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are •If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires •If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal •If you have more toys than your kids •If you need a checklist to turn on the TV •If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name •If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work •If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight •If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it •If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary •If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already •If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for •If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal •If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use •If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting •If people groan at the party when you pick out the music •If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week •If you did the sound system for your senior prom •If your checkbook always balances •If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone •If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life •If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers •If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep •If you spend more on your home computer than your car •If you know what

I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.

The second hint was a little more tragic . . . As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.

Top 10 Reasons Computers must be Male: 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The light is on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. ZZZzzzZZz

1. Size does matter.

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