Other Jokes

What's Your Southern Sign?

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signsand the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below...

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed.Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life . On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behvior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility

DOG'S LETTER TO GOD...

Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog?* How often do you see a cougar riding around?* We dogs love a nice ride!* Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone?* I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the schnauzer across the street!

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.* What do humans understand? Dear God, May I have my testicles back? This letter was sent in response to Dr Laura's claim that homosexuality is an abomination because it's against the Bible...

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination..... End of debate !

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of specific law and how to best follow them as a true believer.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear prescription glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident that you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Letters to the Landlord.

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle  Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker-upper!

9. "One-a-day, like iron."

8. "Get a piece of the rock!"

7. "You've come a long way, baby!"

6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em."

5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

4. "Tastes great, more filling."

3. "Viagra, built Ram-tough!"

2. "Here's the beef!"

1. "Just do her."

Some honorable mentions:

"We work harder, so you don't have to."

"Ten inches long... and growing."

"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight."

"Viagra, home of the Whopper."

"Viagra... now is a great time to be silver."

"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

True stories

1. I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

2. Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

3. I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

4. A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

5. A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

6. Years ago while lying in my hammock I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A man dies and goes to heaven. Upon reaching the pearly gates he confronts St Peter. St Peter says, "To get into heaven, you must pass one simple test. Spell love." The man replies, "L. . . o. . . v. . . e." St Peter says, "That's correct. Come into heaven. By the way, I have a few errands to run. Can you watch the gate for me? Just give everyone the same test and let those who pass come in." The man agrees. He stands there administering the test, spell love, come in, spell love, come in, spell love, come in. Then, to his amasement, his wife walks up. He asks, "What are you doing here?". His wife replies, "On the way home from your funeral, I was hit by a drunk driver and was killed instantly. So, here I am!" "Well," says the man, "You have to pass one simple test to get into heaven. Spell Czechoslovakia."

Bill Clinton has a dream in which he meets George Washington. He says"George,tell me what I can do to make things better for the people?" George Washington says "Lower the taxes." Clinton says "I can do that" The next night he again dreams but this time Thomas Jefferson is there. "Thomas Jefferson," Clinton says. "Tell me what I can do to make things better for the people?" Jefferson says "Lower the taxes." Clinton says, I can do that." The next night he again dreams, but this time Abraham Lincoln is there. "Abraham Lincoln. " Clinton says."what can I do to make things better for the people?" Lincoln says."Go to the theater."

The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK! He was a little dazed and asked, "What was that for?"

She said, "I was cleaning out his pants to put them in the laundry and found a piece of paper with the name 'Foxy Roxy' on it."

He said, "Honey, you know that I went out the other day with the boys to the race track. I bet on a horse named 'Foxy Roxy' and that we won a lot of money on it.

She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner and really treated him good since she had made this mistake and not trusted him.

A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK," she smacked him up side the head again. He said, "Ouch! What was that for???"

She replied, "Your horse called today.....

Aligator Shoes

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!" "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!" At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles." "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to 'em?"

German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25.000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net. Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35.000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net. American scientists were outrageous. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55.000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son, your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"

A blonde and a Brunette go parachuting. The Blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord and is slowly drifting in the air and enjoying the view. The brunette jumps after her, pulls her parachute cord but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet!!! The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, "Soooo, you want to race, do you?!!!"

Confederate words of the day . . .

BAGEL (adjective). Quite large. Usage: "That's a bagel bowl of grits you got there."

BAHS (noun). A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

BAR (noun). Largest land-living carnivore. KILT (verb). Past tense of exterminate. Usage: "Davey Crockett kilt a bar wen he wuz only three."

BARD (verb). Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A YANKEE, IF......

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"correctly.

For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never had grain alcohol.

You've never, ever, eaten Okra.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

You don't have bangs.

You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

You call binoculars opera glasses.

You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

You can't do your laundry without quarters.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening till you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table. the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagarism. to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils. pick the one you've never tried.

Change is inevitible...except from a vending machine.

Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money can't buy love, but it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!!!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals"

Death to all fanatics!!

Guests who kill talk show hosts-- on the last Geraldo.

Chastity is curable. if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is sure an eyeopener.

Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

And finally....

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good!!!

A blond gets on an airplane and sits down in first class. The stewardess notices her ticket is for the coach section, so she approaches the blond and ask her to move back to the coach section.

The blond replies, "I'm blond and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."

The stewardess explains again by saying," I understand, however, someone else is going to need this seat so I need to ask you to please move back to your seat."

The blond again replies, "I'm blond and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."

Completely frustrated the stewardess goes to the captain and explains the problem. The captain goes to the first class section, bends over and whispers something in the blond's ear. The blond jumps up, runs back, and sits in her assigned seat. The stewardess looks at the captain and ask him what he had told the woman.

He replies,"I told her first class doesn't go to Chicago."

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The "Car Talk" show on NPR with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a feature called the "Puzzler," and their most recent "Puzzler" was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. The puzzler was: What was this body part? The following answer was submitted by a listner:

Dear Click and Clack, Thank you for the Agincourt "Puzzler" which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore, and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French porposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew." Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle finger at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!" Over the years some "folk etymologies" have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "f", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that symbolic gesture is known a "giving the bird".

How To Let Everyone Know You Are From The South While You Are In the North:

1. Refer to EVERY softdrink as a Coke

2. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell them Delta is ready when they are.

3. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

4. Take your own sweet time

5. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus!

6. Offer to send up a bottle of fresh air.

7. Talk loudly and often about SEC football and ACC basketball

8. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle name. ( For example: Lisa Marie - John Michael - Jim Bob )

9. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War" Always interject that "there weren't nothing Civil about it."

10. Address all males as "son" and women as "little lady."

THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES (These are titles from songs that have actually been recorded.)

*Get Your Bisuits in the Over and Your Buns in the Bed. *Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through the Goal Posts Of Life. *Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye. *Her Teeth were Stained, but Her Heart was Pure. *How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

*How Can You Believe Me When I say I Love You When You Know I've Been a Liar All My Life? *I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life. *I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling. *I Fell in a Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me. *I Flushed You From The Toilets Of my Heart.

*I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You. *I Wanna Whip Your cow. *I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck *I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. *I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy.

*I'm Just A Bug on the Windshield of Life. *I'm the Only Hell My Mama Ever Raised. *I've Been Flushed From the Bathroom Of Your Heart. *I've Got the Hungries for Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line. *If I Can't be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

*If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low. *If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You. *If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will. *If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? *Mama Get The Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head.)

*My Every Day Silver is Plastic. *My John Deere was Breaking you Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart. *My Wife Rann Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him. *Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I can See Through You.

*Pardon Me, I've Got Someone to Kill. *She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft. *She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger. *She Made Toothpicks Out Of the Timber Of My Heart. *She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty.

*Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone. *They May Put Me in Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out. *Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart. *When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In. *you Can't have Your Kate and Edith, too.

*You Can't Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd. *You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped that Sucker Flat. *You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life. *You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

WORST things to say to a police officer...

10. That uniform makes your ass look really big.

9. I wanted to be a cop but decided to finish high school instead.

8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?

6. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

5. Gee, thanks! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

4. A 9 mm? Sheesh! Check out this .44 magnum!

3. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

2. Here - hold my beer so I can reach my license.

And the ABSOLUTE WORST thing to say to a police officer...

1. Aren't you that guy from the village people?

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