Sex Jokes
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK
Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing.
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley." " Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. we must have had something in his hand." "That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" "Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
A man, his wife and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop.Not long after, a blind man joins the group. The bus finally arrives, but the blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.
As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, "You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?"
The blind man retorts, "If you'd put a rubber on the end of your stick, we'd both be on the bus."
100 reasons it's great to be a guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaning and haircut's don't cost you a fortune.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why 'Stripes' is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in 'Terms of Endearment.'
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be President.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with a buddy for hours without thinking "he must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN Sports Center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell all your friends you've changed.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death wasn't overbearingly devastating.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porno movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
anniversaries.97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
One last good one.....
"a man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do." bob dylan
So the other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket. One summer day while on the way to her grandmother's house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to screw your brains out!" Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says."
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, the man starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" "I did." "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..."
Q: What is the best thing about a blow job?
A: The five minutes of silence.
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed. The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?" For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That's HIS mistress," her husband replied. "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores. That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate." Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "This is the cow right here," she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
The Baptist Minister
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends, I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends... ...that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Med school...
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse."What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."
101 things NOT to say during sex!!!
1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned the couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance... 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people... 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. What tampon? 61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession... 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?) 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really ike... Woman: Yourself? 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". 93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
1* God was finished with the basic structure of humanity and now it was time for the extras; the perks. So he said to Adam and Eve, "OK, you've got the basic stuff; now who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam leaps to his feet and says, "Me! Oh please, I want to be able to pee standing up!!" So God says, "'Tis granted." And Adam goes off happy. Then God turns to Eve and says, "Looks like all I have left are the multiple orgasms."
*2* One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue.
The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's" she exclaims "I got a bar of soap".
The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looks steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's weenie and he drops the other bar of soap ''my goodness. I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't believe it.
The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie, "my God this is amazing" she says, "I got liquid hand soap!"
*3* WHAT NOT TO SAY IN A BIOLOGY CLASS In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female {FRESHMAN} raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad nder the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my familywe normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in theballs and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me inthe balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviestpair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward theEnglishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floorclutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the fucking egg."
Cow & The Mermaid > >On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three >sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of >the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was >lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how >could she possibly continue to feed her family now? > >In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to >find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the >hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. > >Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the >cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When >he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She >said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you >will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents >and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he >was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in >the river. > >Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had >happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid >said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will >make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven >times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him >in the river. > >The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the >field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless >prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And >there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, >and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me >fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not >twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this >request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" >And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why >not THIRTY times in a row?" > >Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me >thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect >health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty >times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Horse Race at Tydall Beach
Horses in race are: 1. Passionate Lad 6. Clean Sheets 2. Bare Belly 7. Thighs 3. Silk Panties 8. Big Dick 4. Conscience 9. Heavy Bosum 5. Jockey Shorts 10. Merry Cherry
At the Post
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.
At the Halfway Mark
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
At The Stretch
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish
Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pull up Clean Sheets never had a chance..........
**END Malty's Silly Stuff #112
When the mother asked her little girl what she wanted for her birhtday, she said that she wanted a Barbie doll and GI Joe doll. The mother smiled and said, "but honey, Barbie comes with Ken." The little girl looked at her mother and replyed, "No Mommy, Barbie fakes with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."
This young man had been taking care of his widowed father for quite some time. The young man had thought it was time to take a vacation and enjoy the proceeds of his business while he was young enough to enjoy them, and he was thinking about putting Dad in a retirement community.
Pop wasnt real keen on this idea but he was gonna be open-minded and check the place out. Pa and Son get to the community and Pa is just in time for assisted bath time. Pa is getting a bath from this really nice looking nurse and nature takes it's course and he gets hard. The nurse feels sorry for the old feller so she gives him a hand, so to speak. Well, Pa is in love with the place and he tells Son to hit the road, he is staying here the rest of his life. He is there a couple of days when he is walking down the hall and falls down. This (hated ethnic group) orderly sees the helpless old feller laying in the hall and proceeds to give him all he has.
Pa is very bewildered and calls Son. " you have to come get me, I hate this place" Son "But I thought it was the place you were gonna spend the rest of your life?" Pa," Well I thought so too, but I only get a hard-on once a month, but I fall down three times a day".
A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favour. Tell me what colour the baby is as it's being born." The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don't you know what colour the child is going to be?" "Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is." "Ok", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?" "Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman. "Wait", says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?" "Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Indian?" "Yes, doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back.The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying. "Oh, thank God for that.", says the woman, "For a moment there, I was worried it was going to bark
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, the man presented her with $25 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." And it was. She won the case...