Work Jokes
Letter to a Bank
Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)
Employer's Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal frutility.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.
Officer: May I see your drivers license?
Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?
Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whos car is this?
Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying sombich told you I was speeding, too.
THE TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: >
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." >
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." >
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" >
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." >
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." >
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" >
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." >
3. "The coffee machine is broken..." >
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." >
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught > sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
Rules For Work:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a praplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
LINES FROM ACTUAL RESUMES as reported by Fortune magazine
1. I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms
2. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
3. Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.
4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
5. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
6. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
12. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
13. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
14. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
15. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
16. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job.
17. Marital status: often. Children: various.
18. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
19. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
20. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
How Shit Happens In the beginning, there was the plan. And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
The employees told their supervisors: "It's a crock of shit and it stinks!"
The supervisors then told the department heads: "It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor."
The department heads then told the managers: "It's a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."
The managers then told the director: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
The director then told the VP: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
The VP told the Executive-VP: "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
The Executive-VP told the President: "It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system."
And the President reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good."
And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.
The Manager ************************************************************************* The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager".
The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager".
The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager".
The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager".
And so it went on - the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager.Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager, and so it happened. All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit.
The moral of this story is: "You don't have to be a brain to be a manager - just an asshole!"
Ways To Beef Up Your Resume.
What you actually did------What you write
Housewife------------Domestic systems management Swept floors----------- Basic structure upkeep Just got your GED--------------- Recent graduate Goofed off in college------Utilized and maximized personal resources for optimal efficient management in an educational atmosphere Got drunk/stoned a lot---------Chemical testings engineer Watched TV------------Majored in broadcasting Had a lemonade stand---------------Owned my own business Bullied little kids on your block-------Personnel management
What you can Operate--------What you call it
Cash register---------Financial transaction system Adding machine-----------Data computing device Copier-----------Phototransfer duplication system Paper clips--------Aluminum hard-copy connectors Pencil------Xanthrochromaic cellulose-lined carbon field plotter for hard copy interface With eraser-------------with polymer editor Pencil sharpener---------Field plotter rejuvenation system Screwdriver-------Torque applicator for inclined plane adjustment Microwave-----Polarization/Reverse-polarization thermal adjustment unit. TV Remote-------Remote communications selection operator Baby stroller------Inexperienced personnel prambulator with quad-friction reducing devices
SOME USEFUL DESCRIPTIONS OF PEOPLE YOU MAY WORK WITH DAY TO DAY: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tack on the board.
Not the brightest bulb on the tree.
Just a few sandwiches shy of a picnic.
His belt doesn't go through all the belt loops.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a >rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,>who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My step mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!