Located on the lower westcoast of Canada, Victoria is a rapidly developing city that grew from a small port of call used for ships trading goods from the pacific. With the most clement weather in the country as well as a touch of British hospitality, Victoria is a popular tourist destination for both foreign and domestic visitors.

    The mild weather has helped it become known as the Garden City, with it's many beautiful examples, most notably the world famous Butchart Gardens. It is here that the majority of Victoria's domestic residents are grown and raised. Within the very heart of the gardens stands a single story building that spreads out over a two acre area of land, and it is within this complex that newborn citizens are nurtured and feed a nutrient rich mix of lime, SupR-Gro, and table scraps over a period of six months before being released into the general public.

    Deep in the heart of downtown Victoria are the parliamentary buildings, and although nothing of actual importance has ever been decided within their extravagant halls, it's extensive use of incandescent light bulbs and ferocious appetite for electricity have allowed BC Hydro to purchase it's own small third-world country as well as a modest collection of nuclear warheads.

    Being situated on the east coast of Vancouver Island, Victoria enjoys breathtaking scenic ocean views and many American and foreign visitors sail their boats into it's numerous harbours throughout the year. The most notable example, the Inner Harbour, lies adjacent to the parliamentary buildings, and is home to a variety of street performers, venders, and disenfranchised former Reform Party candidates.

    Directly across the street from the Inner Harbour is another world famous landmark, The Empress Hotel. It is here that Her Majesty The Queen stays during her visits to British Columbia's capital city, in the Empress' most luxurious suite. While at the Empress, Queen Elizabeth enjoys the use of a free colour television, a Royal Continental Breakfast consisting of freshly squeezed orange juice, her choice of two sausages or sides of back-bacon, toasted Wonder-Bread, and a bowl of Frosted Lucky Charms, as well as an unlimited supply of sanitized shower caps.

    Not to be outdone by her neighbor city to the east, Victoria has a wide selection of sporting arenas and public recreational areas.  For a variety of events, the Memorial Arena has showcased a selection of sports, concerts, circuses, and public beatings. To those unfamiliar with Victoria, the ticket prices may seem a bit extreme, but they are simply to offset the costs of potential lawsuits incurred by falling masonry.

About the Author

    EC lives in the small isolated wilds of central Saanich, where he spends the majority of his time foraging for food, running around in circles, and hand crafting outrageously expensive souvenirs out of rocks, sticks and mud.
 
 

One of the few essays written for my English 12 correspondence:
 
 

    If I had access to some sort of time travel device, I would go all the way back to Canada's beginnings. I could possibly travel to ancient Rome at its height of power, see the pyramids being built in Egypt, witness great battles of opposing armies in Medieval Times or watch Mans first attempt to cook a hot meal, but I would much rather see my own country being born.

    Noone seems to know exactly what year the Vikings discovered our fair soil, so I would pass up meeting these long-bearded barbarians and whisk off to 1497. Sitting with my feet dangling in the water on the coast of (what is now) Newfoundland, my eyes would squint peering out across the wide ocean, spotting John Cabot's ship as it slowly made its way to shore. When the tiny row boat was pulled up on the sandy beach, I would duck behind a rock and watch as they explored the new land. All of a sudden, the shore would be filled with ghostly echoes and blood-curdling cries, and the Englishmen would rush for their little raft, quickly rowing back to the safety of their ship, away from the haunted land. Well, you could hardly blame me; they were wearing tights after all.

    I would then scoot ahead in time to 1642, and the founding of Ville Marie. While others traded furs with the Indians, I would open my own pemmican stand, selling it at outrageously inflated prices to the tourists from abroad. Once this market had dried up (no pun intended), I may head off to live with the Indians, encourage them to play more lacrosse, and perhaps even start their own franchise. Fast forward to 1670, and the expansion of the Hudsons Bay Company. Even though fur trading was their main concern, I would convince the president of the Hudsons Bay Company that he absolutely needed to sell tacky wooden beavers in his fort gift shops.

    Then I would take my place as a Courier De Bois in the woodlands of the French colonies. Running at break-neck speeds through the woods, carrying furs, messages, or maple syrup, I could win fame and fortune as the only naked "runner of the woods". Once again, I would lodge with the Indians, learning what they know, and sharing my extensive knowledge of gambling casinos. We would spend many days hunting for food, bringing home the game, and processing it into specially prepared assorted meats, and selling it to the more gullible colonists.

    Quickly shimmying over to the West Coast and Vancouver Island in 1778, I would watch James Cook stamp his feet and have a tantrum, realizing he hadn't reached the Orient. At the same time I would witness the beginnings of the "Colwood Crawl", as a few settlers stubbornly waited for the Island Highway to be built. Standing in the middle of what would eventually be Gyro Park, I would notice the complete lack of any gigantic purple octopuses or monstrous blue sea dragons as depicted later in playground amusement structures (I had guessed that they went extinct, and perhaps they never existed).

    Back then to the East Coast, in 1867. As the Fathers of Confederation huddled around a table in the Westminster Hotel, squabbling about this and that, pointing fingers (forwards and upwards), I would sit in the corner and admire the significance of this event. Just when they weren't looking, I would crawl over, creep my hand over the table, and add in a juicy selection of naughty words. With that, after utilizing whatever marvelous machine brought me into the past to return me to the
present, my journey would be over.
 

Here's another one:
 
 

    Once, a long time ago, there was a secluded island off the coast of the Frozen North(c). Using modern mathematical equations and advanced scientific instruments, it had been estimated to be over 6” long. Of course, after the invention of the florescent green solar powered calculator, the figure had jumped to 8”.

    The island was rich with naturally occurring garden centres, senior citizens housing projects, bingo halls, and street performers. As the demand for these things increased, they were processed and shipped to other provinces as well as different parts of the world. The economy boomed, and so did the tax base. Generally, everyone was happy, and there would often be great parades and ceremonies celebrating their happiness and the introduction of new food colourings to milkshakes at the local McDonalds(c)(R)(tm). The Prime Minister(tm) would come to the island and praise it virtues, and occasionally play a few rounds at the Aztec Mini-Golf.
They were completely unaware of the frightening disaster that threatened their very lives.

    It was the early morning hours when the entire island experienced the swift wrath of nature. There was a tremendously quiet sound as the ground shook violently, causing huge buildings to sway like mountains of rock. Gigantic tsunami waves over three inches high emanated from the epicentre, and pounded the unsuspecting shores of the mainland. The unrelenting fury continued for three seconds, but seemed to all like four. People woke from their peaceful slumber, screaming as the walls around them seemed to vibrate with the ferocity of something that does't move very much. Some ran down the street in terror, only to be bombarded by falling pine needles and discarded newspapers. Children were helplessly trapped under their bed sheets, while their parents tried desperately to save them. Local radio stations read off emergency procedures outlining how the ferries would be inoperable, and people had better learn to swim very quickly. The Royal Navy had been called to assist in rescue operation, but seeing as the navy’s budget had been greatly reduced, they were only able to spare one leaky inflatable killer whale named
Poky.

    It is commonly felt that this incident caused the eventual destruction of the cities and sinking of the island back into the sea from whence it came, over three million
years later.

About the Author

    Although he is allowed free reign over most of the island, EC is restrained by a 600 foot tether. 06-24-97
 

And yet another:
 
 

    Owning a pet can be one of the worst decisions one can make. It is filled with danger, not only for ones own life, but for others. Most people will enter a pet shop, be entranced by any number of wild creatures, and bring them into an unsuspecting home. Those that wish to own a pet should first research past experience before attempting to harbour such creatures.

    On more than one occasion has a pet owner been caught off guard by a devious budgie. They are perhaps one of the most sinister pets one can own, and their evil intentions are unmatched throughout the animal kingdom. A elderly couple from Calgary purchased a small yellow budgie from the corner pet shop, and lived to regret it. Not only did the foul bird eat every morsel of food they had, but also took their savings, jewelry, travelers checks, and a brand new Geo Metro. He was apprehended while in a Las Vegas casino, with only twelve dollars and a handful of honey sticks.

    If more people would care to check with their local police station, they would see a dramatic rise in pet-related crimes. Throughout North America, there is a distinct increase, and many people are left penniless and shaken. If you are one that wishes to be accompanied by some cute fluffy domesticated animal, you would be best to think twice. There are many more docile and less dangerous companions available, such as plants, which have only a eleven percent increase in hostile crimes towards their owners.

06/24/97
 

This was written for another employee at my old job:
 
 

    Many consumers have passed the elegant displays of assorted Jerkyed(tm) products at their regional 7-11 and often wondered what was involved in their manufacture. The majority of the worlds Jerky products are supplied by the small rural town of Bamfield, hidden among the vast gardens and senior citizens homes found on the West Coast of Canada. Although the plants location has been kept a secret for close to two centuries, a tour has been recently introduced showcasing it's many splendors. The plant is split into three sections: the main production mill, the underground gambling casino, and a small tent used for workers sleeping quarters. Although the complete ingredients list for Jerky is a secret, the following is a compilation of some known sources:

- recycled paper               - recycled cans
- grass clippings              - tree bark
- artificial rock chips         - foam rubber
- disposable batterys        - hemp (processed)
- bumpons                       - tarp samples
- 8track cassettes

    The ingredients are feed into a large orange bowl and left to settle for two to three weeks. They are then stirred for two to three  seconds before being poured on the floor. Senior citizens "recruited" from local homes then jump up and down on the mixture until it retains the texture of tapioca. It is then quickly shoved into a mammoth Ripco(c) Food Regurgitator(R) and allowed to dry for three to four years. After drying, it is cut into bitsize pieces, packaged in silicone, and shipped to 7-11s worldwide. It is also unfortunately available in Victoria.

    If you're interested in finding out more about Jerkyed(tm) Beef, I highly doubt you'll find it at your local library.