Once again I had to plaster the walls of my local college with not 1, not 2, but 3 election posters. Naturally I wasn't nominated (due to the fact that I never bothered to ask anyone), but it was worth a shot anyhow.

    Hello, my name is Emperor Chang, and I love you. You're my kind of mindless drones. I would be more than happy to lead you into prosperity. Short concise sentences are fun, ne?

    I know what you may be thinking, "Hey, this guy sounds alright. He's my kind of cat, I can dig his trip." And my response would be, "Get your smelly beathnik good-fer-nuffin' arse out of my face." But that sort of reply wouldn't garner me much support, would it? So instead, I'll simply say, "Sell your bongo drums, and give me the money, friend." (You see, the "friend" addition is the key). And off we'd go, me as your unquestioned master, and you as my loyal lacky.

    Now I'm sure many of you haven't actually seen my name "registered" on the list of candidates. And in truth, I wasn't really "nominated". But, in the end, does that really matter? I mean, look at the yahoos who are "offically registered", would you really want to vote for that sad crowd of unimaginative megalomaniacs? Does pledging allegiance to fictional characters make them qualified for whateverpositionsareavailable(c)? I think not. And besides, I've heard from (generally) reliable sources that the majority of the other cadidates don't even own a dark foreboding fortress! I mean, how are you going to deliver "Laws of the Land(R)" from a tiny one bedroom apartment on the Gorge waterway? It's just not going to happen, they'll simply be too busy doing "creative activities" such as applying decals to their AT-AT models, or fantasizing about that chick from Lexx.

    So, in conclusion, vote for Emperor Chang. By the way, my first act when I'm finally enacted as your ruler/representative is to make sure that every vending machine on campus is stocked with those tiny little Shreddies cereal boxes. I'll work on the urinal pucks later.

I wrote this after my brother had joined Amway.It was an attempt to free him from their evil clutches, but the fact that he only made seven dollars was probably more persuasive.

    Are you looking for something more? Tired of having a steady paycheck? Hate the thought of recieving a pension? Would you rather harass friends, family and even strangers into purchasing sub-standard products? Do you hate the restrictions of normal set work schedules? Would you rather always be at work? Are you happier with a cult-based group of friends? Are you easily influenced by successful leaders that tell you just what you want to hear? Are you uncomfortable with products that meet normal FDA requirments? Or are you simply a greedy bastard?

    Well here's the answer: Scamway! Tell your boss to go fuck himself after you purchase our easy and simple business start-up kit! You're the boss, you get to meet potential clients and "network associates" in the most unlikely of places!

    With your "contribution" of $200, we'll send you an informative business kit, including material like "How to Harrass Relatives", "How to Harrass Friends", "How to Harass Bank Tellers", "How to Harass Pool Hall Owners", and "How to make new friends after you harassed your old friends so much they moved far far away". Act now and we'll include the ever-popular "How to deal with all your new friends that are ONLY your new friends because you gave them a big schpeel about how much money they're going to make and it turns out they're all greedy bastards like you".

    Remember, you make money off your new friends, so harass them as much as your "upline" harrasses you!

    Also remember, you don't have to sell any products! Oh wait, yes you do.

    Also also remember, Scamway is there for you. They're sort of like that guy in "Oliver" who took all those dirty smelly street kids and made them pickpockets. Actually, Amway is more like Carol Bernete in the newer film adaptation of "Annie". No wait, Scamway is like that weird guy with the big fro that used that kid's hair for paint brushes in "The Peanut Butter Solution". Yeah, that's fairly accurate.
 

A while ago we had local elections, and eventhough I was too slow to register, I gave the campaign thang a try. This is it, I never handed it out to many people either. I've sent away for my own party kit, so come next election, I'll be ready.

    Hi, I'm Emperor Chang, and I'd like your vote on election day! Perhaps you may want to know a little about me?

    I represent the "Benevolent Dictator Party of Victoria", formerly the less popular "Let's Give Everything to Me" party. My entire life has been spent in beautiful and scenic Victoria, learning to love it's people, wildlife, forests, and fabulously boring radio stations. I have lived the majority of my years within the confines of Butchard Gardens, in and around the Ross fountain. My only source of food was the occasional sesame snap or bran muffin I could wrestle from visitors, and the only water was from the chlorine-dense fountain. (Even though doctors have informed me that years of such living have severely affected many of my mental processes, I still choose to wear proper fitting clothes and refuse to drive pimped out black Volkswagens.) Eventually, I wanted to strike out and make a name for myself. It was then that I sadly left my home and set out for a new life: downtown.

    I soon found a nice comfy spot right next to the Ross Bay Cemetery, inside a roomy storm drain. There, for the next few years, I developed a plan to turn all of Victoria's inhabitants into robots, capable of manufacturing small block V8 engines for export. After much thought, I decided this plan wasn't particularly feasible, as most of the parts I needed would be on a three year backorder from Radio Shack. I spent another few years formulating a new plan, which involved holding an entire Wendys restaurant hostage until Dave Thomas arrived. That plan was scrapped after coming to the conclusion that Dave Thomas was simply a computer generated image developed to produce revenue, used to purchase a third world country, which would then be stocked with black market nuclear weapons, placing Wendys International as the new world super-power. It was about then, after having nearly been struck by a passing Volvo, I formed the "Let's Give Everything to Me" party. Apparently no one shared my political views at the time, and I lost all of the past few elections. Feeling that a more subtle approach was needed, I formed the "Benevolent Dictator Party of Victoria".

    Okay, you know my sorted past, here's my platform:

* The city will provide permanent padded seating to be placed on Government street, to entice more tourist attracting hookers.
* Scrap the Multiplex, use the allotted area and money for shelters as well as improved public recreation facilities.
* Allow only public transit, emergency vehicles and bicycles into downtown core.
* Hire and train homeless people to tend the downtown greenery, and pick up litter.
* Encourage more public bicycle programs.
* Develop a market square.
* Legalize hemp, encourage its growth and harvesting to fuel a textiles industry that could support or supplant our tourist industry.
* Make sure that anyone wanting to develop a large area would have to put together a proposal, which would then be voted on by the general public.
* ANYONE making over $30,000 annually would be required by law to donate 10 hours of his or her time a year to a charitable cause.
* Large billboards or signs posted on rented space not advertising free or charitable events be banned from the downtown core and surrounding areas.
* Build a large, soundproof building, where the public can yell as loud as they like to relieve their frustrations. Then move into a room filled with lots of toys, where they can play for as long as necessary.

    Well, that's it, I hope it made sense to you. When election day rolls around, I hope you remember my platform and what I stand for. Oh, and don't forget that all the other parties besides being poachers and aliens from a hostile world, also hate and dispise you. Whereas I love each and everyone of you, including those who watch Full House.

Some signs I've put in my rear window:

I put this in the fabrication shop at my old job:

Top Ten Things that Annoy the Fabricators

10. Yelling when there's no machinery on
9. Eating on the panel saw
8. Sleeping on the panel saw
7. Switching their coffee to decaf
6. Putting gum in the ear protectors
5. Changing the radio to CFUV during the Women's Issues hour and gluing the tuning knob
4. Using the thermo-forming oven to cook turkey
3. Replacing the flood lamps with strobe lights
2. Installing a clapper on the panel saw
1. Making noise
 

I put this above the coffee machine at my dad's store:
Note: I've decided not to use the stores real name. Possible Lawsuit? Nah, it's just more fun to use "Buy, Consume, Buy".

    At "By, Consume, Buy" we care for our customers. We carefully select only the best coffees to be found on sale and deliver them to you free. Enjoy!

    Environment Canada has asked "Buy, Consume, Buy" to no longer dispose of old coffee in drains and sinks. If your coffee tastes a bit strange, we suggest a generous portion of milk substitute or sugar. If you experience any loss of vision, seizures, migraines, temporary amnesia or other similar symptoms, see a physician immediately. "Buy, Consume, Buy" is not liable for any personal injuries incurred from partaking of our free beverage. The Melitta Aroma Plus Coffee Machine may give off a small amount of radiation. It is advisable to keep small children and pets away from the machine at all times.
 

I put this out during New Years.

    "Buy, Consume, Buy" reminds you not to drink and drive this New Years.
The person you hit may be your sisters brothers son, or me. If you have to drink, call a taxi, take the bus, walk home, crawl home, or stay where you are and sleep until you wake up with a big hangover. Then you'll stumble around, with your eyes half open moaning and banging into furniture. What a neat way to start the New Year! Remember, you don't need to be drunk to make an ass of yourself!