THE REST –    January 11
  

A GIFT THAT DOESN'T NEED TO BE EXCHANGED 

Admit it, you've been there (maybe even just recently - this Christmas). You receive a gift that makes you grimace — an orange tie with purple stripes, perhaps, or a battery-operated radish peeler. You can't be impolite and say, "I don't like it. I want to exchange it." So what do you say? Fortunately someone has come up with:

          "The Top Ten Things to Say About a Gift You Don't Like": 

10. Hey! Now there's a gift! 

9. Well, well, well ... 

8. What a shame! If I hadn't recently shot up 4 sizes, this would've fit. 

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. 

6. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. 

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! 

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. 

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. 

1. "I really don't deserve this." 

Whatever you say, you know you'll be standing in line at Wal-Mart for hours with everyone else who received gifts that were just as horrible. 

As in many homes throughout the US on New Year's Day, the husband and wife faced the annual conflict of which was more important -- the football games on TV or the dinner itself.  To keep peace, the man ate dinner with the rest of the family and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game. Several minutes later the wife entered the room,  smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.

He told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing. "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "you didn't miss a thing."

Bob's seat at the Super Bowl was in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium, around the security guards, to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man replied, "No."

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!" The man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

  During his first skydiving class, the student asked the instructor, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and deadpanned, "The rest of your life."

Johnny got lost in the forest. When it got dark he could not see and walked right off a cliff. As he was falling he caught a tree branch and looked down and about 100 feet below he saw rocks sticking up out of the water. Johnny looked up and asked, "Is there anybody up there that can help me?"

A voice came from the heavens and said, "Hello Johnny, do you believe?"

And Johnny said, "Yes I believe, I believe!"

Then the voice said, "Okay Johnny, then have faith and let go."

Johnny looked down again at the 100 foot drop into the rocks and water. He looked up again and said, "Is there anybody else up there?"

From: David A. Rinke II | Funny Pages Mailing List 

 Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this-I'm a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for our church leader.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

Timothy: Too young!

Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

Have A Great Day