What day is it?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you
don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box
containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her
favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
A Couple of true stories submitted by
Kasha Linka
CREDIT CARD TROUBLES
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts, received a bill for his as yet
unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company
sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return of post. He
called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error
and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card
figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that
his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take
care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having
spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he
ignored it, trusting
that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company
would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company
at their own game
and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he
now owed the credit
card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had
caused their check
processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their
customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check
had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return post they would be
taking steps to
recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his
wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a
typewriter instead..
From: Kasha Linka
Subject: 1812 overture -- please don't try this at home
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simfonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced
moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as
part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor
children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which
was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute
and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass
trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth,
"I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and
instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward's and away from me, propelling the
mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."
However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use
high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went
off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc
to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments
of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his
horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola
sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the
conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from
serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of
the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were
driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound
of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased
logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as
constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage
Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as the I heard the
sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just
before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian
accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul und opposeet reakshon!"
Well, this should come as no surprise, for God Himself set this up for a textbook
demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead
pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super-heated jet of gas
backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his
lips and face.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the
bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same
time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell
backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot
gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear
into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell
out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"
From: Kasha Linka
What doctors say, and what they're really
thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to
fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for
it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with
me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week
Some Airline Humor
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of the
airplane..."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa,
big fella. WHOA!"
"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry...unfortunately none of them is on this
flight"