ALL THE REST –    February 6
  

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

  

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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MY FRIEND, is a rather old fashioned lady, quite delicate and elegant,
especially in her language.

She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation in Florida so she
wrote to a camp ground for reservations. She wanted to be sure it was
fully equipped but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet
facilities. She didn't want to say "toilet" in her letter. After
much deliberation she thought of the old fashioned term "Bathroom
commode." When she wrote it down she again thought it was being too
forward, so she started all over once again. As she rewrote the
entire letter she referred to three bathroom commode as the B.C asking
"Does the campground have its own B.C.?"

Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and when he
got the letter he couldn't figure out what she was talking about. The
B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while
he showed the letter to some of the campers. No one could figure it
out either!

After giving it much thought, the owner decided that she must be
asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, so he sat down
and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madame,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
pleasure in informing you that the B.C. is located 6 miles north of
the campground. It is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I
will admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of
going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great
number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive early, and stay late! The last time my wife and I went
was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the
whole time.

Right now there is a supper planned to raise money for more seats. It
will be held in the basement of the B.C.. I would like to say that it
pains me that I am not able to go more regularly, but it is not for
the lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more
of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come
down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you
go. We could sit together and I could introduce you to all the other
nice folks in town.

Remember, this is a VERY FRIENDLY and nice community!

Sincerely,
Mr. Jones

Found this years ago on CanCom

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THE LORD'S PRAYER (Laodicean Version)

Our Grandfather, who art in heaven, special be thy name,
Thy candy come, thy will be changed, on earth as in our wishful thinking.
Give us this day our daily cake;
And wink at our trespasses, as we wink at ourselves when we trespass against others;
And lead us not into commitment, but deliver us from dedication.
For thine is the lap, and the chuckle, and the pat on the head, forever and ever.
You bet!

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A good Y2K bug

From: Automated Payroll Processing Dept.
Date: January 1, 2000
Subject: Vacation Pay




Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

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MoreAirline Humor

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that  have been heard or reported:


On an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day.  During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.   After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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Rookie Cop
===========

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the  corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."

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Cracking under pressure


Last night, Eddie the Egg was arrested by police and taken to headquarters for questioning.  He's considered to be the prime
suspect in the brutal beating of another egg at the farmer's market. The other egg is expected to live, but he's in a coma as his brains have been irreversibly scrambled.

At headquarters, the police could not get a confession out of Eddie. They tried putting him in a chair under a hot light.  All they
accomplished was getting Eddie really boiled-up and rolling all over the place.  The police had to put him into a straight-jacket
to contain him.  Yet, Eddie continued to roll all over the place. The police pulled the straps of the jacket tighter.  Finally, Eddie
confessed...he "cracked" under the pressure.

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GROANER

The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying every action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer. She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him measure out the liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives.

Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first. She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her, certain of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy. The kitten's face screwed up as she spit out the bitter rind.

"Aha, " said the mixologist," so you have learned . . . a rind is a terrible thing to taste."