The Top 10 Signs you Work in the
90's 00"s
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling
lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town
within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night
plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
From Kasha Linka
The
Wonders of Politics,
Explained by a Bloke with Two Cows
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some
of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as
much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take
care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives
you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and
sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You help you take care of them, and you all share the
milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two
unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who
gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After
the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs
the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The
government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them
and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both,
shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to
fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by
the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed
company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever
existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a
symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no
less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of
this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
From Kasha Linka
Revenge
The was a farmer who raised
watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would
sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful
thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they
see this sign,it says
``Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer
made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that
no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign
which read: ``Now there are two."
Obits for Sale
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for
her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the
obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all
obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds says, In
that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 Pickup for sale."
The Hunter
After years of listening to her plead,
a hunter finally decided to let his wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods
and left her in a blind with instructions on what to do when a deer came within range. He
had no sooner arrived at his own blind when he heard a shot coming from his wife's
direction. The first shot was quickly followed by several more. He immediately ran back to
see what had happened, only to find a man standing in front of his wife with his hands up
shouting, "OK lady, it's your deer! Just let me take the saddle off!"
Three guys, one from Tennessee, one from California
and one from Washington state are sitting around the campfire together, trading
embellished stories. Finally sick of the verbal bantering, the Tennessean pulls out a
bottle of Jack Daniels, takes a big chug, tosses the rest of the bottle up in the air,
pulls out a gun and shoots it.
"Why'd you waste all of that whiskey?" the
Washingtonian asked.
"We have plenty of good whiskey in
Tennessee!" the Tennessean replied.
The Californian then pulls a bottle of Cabernet out
of his backpack, takes a big chug, throws it up in the air, shoots it and exclaims
"We have plenty of fine wine in California!".
The Washingtonian pulls out a bottle of Microbrew,
chugs the entire bottle and throws it up in the air. He shoots the Californian, catches
the bottle and exclaims "We have plenty of Californians in Washington, but I've got
to recycle this bottle!"
Enjoying the Beach
A man and his wife are on vacation
on a remote Caribbean island. The man is lying under a palm tree relaxing in the shade
when his wife walks over.
"Honey," she says, "let's go
snorkeling now. There are many fascinating sea creatures for us to see."
To this he replies, "With fronds like
these, who needs anemones?"
TRUE FACT ...
Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year
olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.
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