MEMO from the Corporate
Headquarters
Due to the budget constraints, the following policies are
announced regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
LODGING:
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business.
If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging
sites. Bus terminals, train stations and office lobbies may also provide shelter in
periods of inclement weather.
TRANSPORTATION:
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel, in lieu of commercial transport.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure
on such travel. Airline tickets will only be authorized in extreme circumstances and
the lowest fares will be used.
For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, the travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
MEALS:
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be
noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition
Centers, and Costco Club stores often provide free samples of promotional items.
Entire meals can be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein
sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers
should utilize all you can eat salad bars. This is especially effective for
employees traveling
together - as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also
encouraged to bring their own food on official travel. Cans of tuna, Spam and
Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or
costly preparation.
MISCELLANEOUS:
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save
our budget dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money
could be raised during airport layover period, which could be used to defray expenses.
In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure, so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be made available to employees so
that sales may be made, as time permits.
(Shared by David & Virginia via
"Have a Nice Day" e-mail list)
Everyone
Knows Bubba
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE
in the whole world!!!
Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new
boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe
him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says
"Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba
says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes
up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!"
Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together
when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then
Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's
house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes
"Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30
minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that could happen,
it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody
else!" This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president,
Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says
"Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!"
Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so
they fly to Washington and they catch with the President at a press conference. They
work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets
close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President
waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30
minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned – he can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that's just two people
in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells
Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know
them!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope!
You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope
BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba
says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of
hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd –
without much luck – so Bubba says "Boss, were never gonna get there together
through all these people so I tell you what – I'll
work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the
Pope!" and he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there
beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.
Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and
he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes
to, he asks "Boss what happened!"
Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can
see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton..., I can even take the Pope! But
when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little
more than I can take!
Top Vacation
Spots For...
Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, CA
Artists:
Painted Desert, AZ
Firefighters:
Smoky Mountains
Podiatrists:
Arches National
Park, UT
Politicians:
Dodge City,
KS
Geologists:
Stone Mountain,
GA
Manicurists:
Finger Lakes, NY
Pianists:
Florida Keys
Just Follow
My Instructions
There once was a man who died and went
to heaven. When he got to heaven, there were two doors. One had a sign above it saying
"Married Men" and the second door had a sign reading "Single Men". He
was married, so he went through the first door. Upon entering, he saw two more doors. One
had a sign reading "Men Dominated by Their Wives" and the second read "Men
NOT Dominated by Their Wives". The line for men dominated by their wives was so long
it wrapped around heaven several times. However, at the other door, there was only one
man, just standing there. So, the married man approaches the lone man under the
Not-Dominated sign and asks: "Why are you just standing there? Aren't you going
in?"
To which the gentleman replied: "Oh, I don't know. My wife just told me to stand
here."
From Digaday
PUNNY
In a monastery in Wyoming, everyday before
breakfast the Superior would chant "Good Morning, Good Morning" and the Brothers
would all chant back "Good Morning, Good Morning." There was only one problem
with this morning chant, one brother thought it was the stupidest thing in the world. He
really loathed it.
One morning he decided that he would get them all
back and hopefully stop this obstinate folly. That morning he went to breakfast and the
Superior came in and chanted "Good Morning, Good Morning" and all the Brothers
except the one chanted, "Good Morning, ..." At this the one Brother chanted as
loud as he could, "Good Evening."
Upon hearing this the Superior stood up and
chanted "Someone chanted evening!"
Funny
- situational use
something else not a blonde
Two blondes were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder
nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it
over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde noticed what she was doing and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some
of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed
toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got really excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining,
"Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side
of the house!"
TRUE FACT ...
Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year
olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.
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