Grover Cleveland:

Grover Cleveland was born this day in 1837. He once said: "Public office is a public trust." This same president was engaged in a White House medical cover-up.

During the first year of his second term he developed a sore on the roof of his mouth. He was a very heavy cigar smoker. He feared the worst and not been feeling well for some time, he avoided seeing a doctor. When he finally allowed himself to be examined by a dentist the sore was as large as a quarter with cauliflower granulations and crater edges. Under a microscope the tissue appeared to be malignant. The diagnosis was grim (although today it seems that the diagnosis was in error) and the nation was in the midst of an economic crisis. It was decided that surgery was necessary, but the operation should be secret.

On July 1, the private yacht Oneida sailed up the East River with the 56 year old Cleveland. He was anesthetized , and propped in a chair that was tied to the mast. Two surgeons and a dentist, Dr. F. Hasbrouch, performed the dangerous surgery. The dentist was unaware who his patient would be until Grover boarded the boat. Two upper left bicuspids and most of the upper jaw was removed. President Cleveland strolled off the boat unassisted at his summer retreat in Buzzard’s Bay, Massachusetts. Later a second ‘pleasure cruise’ was scheduled to remove further tissue. Cleveland was fitted with a rubber prosthesis to restore his appearance.

The story was leaked some time later by the Philadelphia press, but not acknowledged. Grover Cleveland died in 1906 of problems not associated with the surgery. It was not until 1917 that the story was officially acknowledged. At this time one of the surgeons, Dr. Keen, donated the excised jaw to a museum in Philadelphia.

Panati’s Extraordinary Endings.

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

Joseph Addison

Low Stress Diet Plan

            BREAKFAST:
                  1/2 grapefruit
                  1 slice whole wheat toast
                  8 oz glass skim milk
    
            LUNCH:
                  4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
                  1 cup steamed zucchini
                  1 Oreo cookie
    
            MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
                  The rest of the package of Oreo cookies
                    (Break in two first, see below)
                  1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
                  1 jar hot fudge
                  Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream, etc...
    
            DINNER:
                  2 loaves garlic bread
                  1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
                  1 2-liter bottle of pop
                  3 Milky Way candy bars
                  1 entire cheesecake
    
          The following guidelines will assist your progress:
    
            1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
            2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
            3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
            4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories.  These include any chocolate used for               energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
            5. Late-night snacks have no calories.  The refrigerator light is not bright enough for the               calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
            6. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
            7. There are no calories in food eaten from someone else's plate.
            8. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment,               and not one's personal fuel.
            9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off utensils have no calories.               Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.

From Zondervan

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How Fast Can You Go ...

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly.  Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.  A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.  "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
    
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.  Within  five minutes, however, it stops again.  The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. 

She leans out the window   and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Zondervan

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A Great Groaner

A giant hog named Beraid, weighing over one ton, was the prize of Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes. To take care of this huge animal, Dr. Beraid produced 76 gorilla clones trained to carry out all mundane daily tasks.

The hog had terrible bad breath.  It was necessary, after  feeding the beast, to feed him 110 Chlorets before anyone could go into the lab. 

Perhaps you've heard of this scientific experiment: "Seventy-six strong clones fed the  pig Beraid, with a hundred and ten Chlorets close at hand."

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You Know You are No Longer A Kid When ...          

• Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
  

• Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
  

• The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and  Luke Duke are.
  

• Being bad is no longer cool.
  

• You have friends who have kids.
  

• Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
  

• You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
  

• Your parents' jokes are now funny.
  

• You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom  is not there to do your laundry anymore.
  

• Two words: parachute pants
  

• Naps are good.
  

• You once deemed Space Invaders as "the best game ever."
  

• When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
  

• The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
  

• You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
  

• You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
  

• You WANT clothes for Christmas.
  

• You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
  

• You've bought an album on vinyl.
  

• You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
  

• You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

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I Cannot tell a lie

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness..

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Like to Buy a Cow

A farmer had been thoroughly taken many times by a certain car dealer in town. One day, the dealer told the farmer he'd like to come out to the farm and see about buying a cow. The farmer told him to come on out, then attached the following price information to one of the cows:

Basic Cow $500
Two tone exterior 45
Extra Stomachs 75
Straw Chopper 120
Four Spigots 40
Cowhide Upholstery 125
Automatic Flyswatter 38
Fertilizer Attachment 185

Total: $1,128

David A. Rinke II | Funny Pages Mailing List

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Daily Miscellany Comics

Phillip Bower