SUBJECT - Job Application
This is supposedly an actual job application someone
submitted for a fast-food establishment. Even if it's bogus, it's pretty funny:
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It stunk.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to
a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but
I dare you to prove otherwise.
Vampire Bat
Then there is this bat that has blood
all over him and he is so tired he's looking for a corner to rest.
The other bats get all excited and says "Hey, where did you get all that blood - we
want some too.
He tries to get them to leave him alone and they won't so he says, OK follow me. He
flies out into the forest and lands on a limb of a large tree and says, "see that
tree over there?"
They say "Yes".
He says, "Good, 'cause I didn't!"
The
Tate Family
You may have heard of the Tate Family.
Members of this family attend every group.
There is Dic Tate who wants to run
everything.
Ro Tate tries to change things --- whether
they need it or not.
Agi Tate stirs up trouble whenever possible.
She gets a helping hand from her brother, Irri Tate.
Devas Tate loves to interrupt whatever is
happening.
And Poten Tate wants to be the big shot.
When new ideas are suggested, Hesi Tate and
Vegi Tate are quick to say why they will not possibly work.
Imi Tate would rather copy others than try
something new.
Thank goodness the Tate family also has
Facili Tate, Cogi Tate and Medi Tate. They are willing to pray, think, and plan.
They get everyone pulling together.
Teamwork
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His
business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he
decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to
lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My
wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a
good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life
back in
order ... "
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by
the voice of GOD himself:
"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
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