YOU KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN:
New and Improved version!
* You answer the door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
* You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe".
* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
Looks Great
A man was ordered to Florida by his doctor for a
month to recover from a tricky operation. Unfortunately, he died there. The body was
shipped back home. At the funeral parlor, the widow was given an advance viewing by the
Director, who said, "Doesn't he look wonderful ?"
"Yes," agreed the widow. "I think those weeks in Florida did him a world of
good."
David A. Rinke II | Funny Pages Mailing List
Top 10
reasons for joining the church choir
10. You're running out of clean
clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.
9.You've just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of
people.
8. Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.
7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
6. There's a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when
it's 12:00.
5. The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.
4. For years you've wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to
turn around.
3. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the preacher to catch
you.
2. The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.
1. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!
Did
Ya Hear About...
A bum asked a man for $2.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Can you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a
man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Young
and Old Golfers
A young guy saw an older guy at
the country club and he asked the older guy if he wanted to play a round for fifty bucks.
The older guy said he really wasn't a very good golfer. The young guy asked his handicap.
The older guy said he was a 25. The young guy said he was a fifteen and that he would give
the older guy some strokes.
So they played and the young guy beat the older guy very badly. While in the locker room
the young guy noticed that the older guy was putting on a collar, he was a priest. The
young guy felt very badly so he went over to the priest and said "I'd like to give
you back the fifty buck; I'm really a 4 handicap. The priest responded "no that's ok
son, you keep the money, but do me a favor, the next time your parents are in town bring
them over to my church; I want to marry them."
Quality
Direction
Joshua Ebeneezer Tate was a
contemporary of Ben Franklin in Philadelphia. He was a compass manufacturer, making some
of the finest instruments in the colonies. Explorers referred to their compass as a
"Tate's" as in "Can I check my readings against your Tate's?" The
quality of the compass was due to the high grade of lodestone old Josh used in making it.
When Josh retired, he turned the business over to his sons. They became more interested in
making money than in turning out a quality product. Ben Franklin noted the company's
failing reputation in one of his famous almanac quotes: "He who has a Tate's is
lost."
Paying
attention in Sunday School
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings. Art, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later
in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked him what
was the matter.
Art cried, "My side hurts really bad - I think I'm having a
wife."
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