ALL THE REST –    March 30
  

 

Today's Quotations – Laughter

 

quote

One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.

—  Jane Austen
 

quote

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they might of been.

— William Hazlitt

 
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Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

—  Jack Handey

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Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life.

—  Joseph Addison

 

 
quote

Fishing gives you a sense of where you fit in the scheme of things - Your place in the universe...I, mean, here I am, one small guy with a fishing pole on this vast beach and out there in the blue expanse of ocean are these hundreds of millions of fish...laughing at me.

— Unknown

 

Today's One Liner Wisdom



He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.

Mark Twain

 

word puzzle
  Today's Word – ERSATZ
   

 


er·satz
adjective Being an imitation or a substitute, usually an inferior one; artificial: ersatz coffee made mostly of chicory.  Synonym artificial.

There was a small battalion of them in their ersatz Fourth Reich uniforms, goose-stepping and swinging clubs as they advanced, cutting a swath through the crowd.

The Hofburg Treasures
Stephen Adams
page 419

Definitions from American Heritage Dictionary

 

Today's Fact

 

  
 


Coffee
Decaf

 The morning cup of coffee has the exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.  

 

Coffee 3 - Decaf 

An importer, Dr. Ludwig Roselius, ordered a shipment of coffee to be delivered from Europe to his home in the United States. On the way to the US, the entire shipment got wet. Dr. Roselius found that the coffee beans were still brewable. The taste of the coffee brewed from the beans was still good, but the resulting beverage had lost its kick. Thus as a result of this accident decaffeinated coffee was born. The brand name of Sanka was coined in 1903, shortly after the accident. The name is derived from the French language. It comes from sans caffeine, which means without caffeine.


Today decaffeinated coffee is still mad and is even more popular. When a coffee company takes the caffeine out of their coffee what do they do with the caffeine that is removed? Lets be economical. We really don't want to waste anything. The decaffination process yields pure caffeine. This is a valuable, marketable product. The caffeine is sold to pharmaceutical companies to be used in a number of products. Also much of the caffeine is sold to soft drink companies to be added to their sodas. Now the question is - Why do coffee companies generally charge more for decaf coffee when they they are reimbursed for the sale of the eliminated product?

Source: When Did Wild Poodles Roam the Earth? - David Feldman | The Unbelievable Truth - Jeff Rovin.

 

clown
Today's SMILE

 

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

 
   

 

 

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

Joseph Addison

 

A FEW SMILES   


YOU KNOW YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN: New and Improved version!

* You answer the door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 
* You ski uphill. 
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. 
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. 
* You lick your coffeepot clean. 
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. 
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." 
* You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. 
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer. 
* All your kids are named "Joe".
* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." 
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. 
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. 
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. 
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. 
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. 
* People get dizzy just watching you. 
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. 
* Instant coffee takes too long. 
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." 
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. 
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. 
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. 
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 
* You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running. 
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny. 
* You short out motion detectors. 
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast. 
* You can't even remember your second cup. 
* You help your dog chase its tail.


Looks Great

A man was ordered to Florida by his doctor for a month to recover from a tricky operation. Unfortunately, he died there. The body was shipped back home. At the funeral parlor, the widow was given an advance viewing by the Director, who said, "Doesn't he look wonderful ?"

"Yes," agreed the widow. "I think those weeks in Florida did him a world of good."

David A. Rinke II | Funny Pages Mailing List



Top 10 reasons for joining the church choir

10. You're running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.

9.You've just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of people.

8. Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.

7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

6. There's a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it's 12:00.

5. The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.

4. For years you've wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.

3. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the preacher to catch you.

2. The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.

1. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!

 


Did Ya Hear About...

A bum asked a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Can you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"  


Young and Old Golfers

A young guy saw an older guy at the country club and he asked the older guy if he wanted to play a round for fifty bucks. The older guy said he really wasn't a very good golfer. The young guy asked his handicap. The older guy said he was a 25. The young guy said he was a fifteen and that he would give the older guy some strokes.

So they played and the young guy beat the older guy very badly. While in the locker room the young guy noticed that the older guy was putting on a collar, he was a priest. The young guy felt very badly so he went over to the priest and said "I'd like to give you back the fifty buck; I'm really a 4 handicap. The priest responded "no that's ok son, you keep the money, but do me a favor, the next time your parents are in town bring them over to my church; I want to marry them."   


Quality Direction

Joshua Ebeneezer Tate was a contemporary of Ben Franklin in Philadelphia. He was a compass manufacturer, making some of the finest instruments in the colonies. Explorers referred to their compass as a "Tate's" as in "Can I check my readings against your Tate's?" The quality of the compass was due to the high grade of lodestone old Josh used in making it.

When Josh retired, he turned the business over to his sons. They became more interested in making money than in turning out a quality product. Ben Franklin noted the company's failing reputation in one of his famous almanac quotes: "He who has a Tate's is lost."


Paying attention in Sunday School

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Art, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked him what was the matter.

Art cried, "My side hurts really bad - I think I'm having a wife."


Mortgage 

Here's a supposed true story that happened to a friend of a friend... 

He was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!"

It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY. I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she thought that the bank was going to close "for good" that coming Friday.




I was born weird:

This terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.

 


Daily Miscellany Comics

 

Have A Great Day

Phillip Bower

 

Soul Food - devotions, Bible verse and inspiration.

Soul Food March 30

Today in History - events and birthdays for this date in history

Today in History March 30

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Copyright Information: Phillip Bower is not the author of the humor, and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to the jokes. Sources of jokes are listed when known. Birthday's and Happenings for the date, and quotations are public knowledge and collected from numerous sources. Quotations are public knowledge and sources are listed when known. Weekendspirations are written by Tim Knappenberger who has copyright privileges. Cathy Vinson authors Whispers from the Wilderness and owns copyright privileges. Weekendspirations and Whispers from the Wilderness are used with permission by the respective authors. Other devotions are written by Phillip Bower unless otherwise stated. In all cases credit is given when known. The Daily Miscellany is nonprofit. Submissions by readers is welcome.