A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

Joseph Addison

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Still keeping with the Beverage theme for Facts
Older Version  - You put them together and take out the repeats from yesterday and email them to me!

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

• You don't sweat, you percolate.
  

• Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  

• When someone says, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
  

• You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  

• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  

• You ski uphill.
  

• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  

• You speed-walk in your sleep.
  

• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  

• You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
  

• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  

• You sleep with your eyes open.
  

• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  

• The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
  

• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  

• You lick your coffeepot clean.
  

• You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
  

• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  

• You chew on other people's fingernails.
  

• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  

• You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
  

• You can jump-start your car without cables.
  

• All your kids are named "Joe."
  

• You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
  

• Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
  

• You buy milk by the barrel.
  

• You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  

• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  

• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  

• Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
  

• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  

• People get dizzy just watching you.
  

• You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
  

• The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  

• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  

• Your taste buds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.
  

• You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
  

• People can test their batteries in your ears.
  

• Instant coffee takes too long.
  

• You channel surf faster without a remote.
  

• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  

• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
  

• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
  

• Your Thermos is on wheels.
  

• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  

• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  

• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  

• You short out motion detectors.
  

• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
  

• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  

• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  

• You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
  

• You don't tan, you roast.
  

• You don't get mad, you get steamed.
  

• You can't even remember your second cup.
  

• You help your dog chase its tail.
  

• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  

• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  

• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
  

• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

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SUNDAY SCHOOL QUIZ

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

"I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red."

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. 

"Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, 

"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

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Subtle Difference

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others in copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand.

He had to speak up.  "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error.  How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes?  Are they ever checked against the originals?"

Father Justinian was startled!  No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son.  I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing.

"Father Justinian?" he  called. The sobbing grew louder as he came near.   He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him.  It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.  "Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is CELEBRATE!"
 

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Unbelievable – But True

 1.  Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old  man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
 
 2.  A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his  49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's    head.
 
 3.  A company trying to continue its five-year perfect  safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to   Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory   industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while  watching the film.
 
 4.  The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on  nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
 
 5.  A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in  St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to   complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
 
 6.  Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13  years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took  the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it  reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
 
 7.  A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a  few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to     see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
 
 8.  Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.   The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and  police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
 
 9.  When two service station attendants in Ionia,  Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
 
 10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.   

From Insights, Insults and Insanity - Gary Tooze

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