Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I
claimed on my 1997 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my
children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government
(who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and
what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to re-assign them to me and
reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristin, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work
in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has
no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can
name.
Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind
that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defence funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
drive her to school.
Kristin also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the
universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I
suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together
for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him
first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a
dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal
with it.
You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a
food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he
and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will
be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised
with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that
you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the
900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year.
I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the
sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses.
Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious
that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a
new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the reggae/yuppie/political
double speak. I don't. The school sends her to a
speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to
her voice.
She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it.
Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I
think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really
made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you
will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristin's
college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for
counselling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel
so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as
soon as possible as I have already increased the with holding on my W-4 to cover the $395
in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce
to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5000. The
loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. The man said, "Well then, here are
the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and
asked to settle up his loan and get his car. "That will be $5000 in principal, and
$15.40 in interest," the loan officer said.
The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer called, "while you
were away, I found out that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow $5000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
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