For the Birds
A few General Bird Facts

Which bird lays the largest egg?

The largest egg produced by any living bird is the egg of the African ostrich (Struthio camelus). The average size of this ostrich egg is 6 to 8 inches long, by 4 to 6 inches in diameter. The now extinct flightless bird of Madagascar, the elephant bird, laid the largest known bird egg. This bird (Aepyornis maximus) was also known as the giant bird or roc. The eggs of this bird measured 13.5 inches long and 9.5 inches in diameter.


Which bird lays the smallest egg?

The smallest mature egg of any bird is that of the vervain humming bird (Mellisuga minima). This hummingbird lives in Jamaica. Its tiny egg is less than 0.39 inches in length.


Do birds have knees?

The knee of the bird is the joint between the thigh and the 'drumstick." The knee of the bird is covered by feathers in most birds. Many species of birds even have a kneecap or patella.

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."

Joseph Addison

 

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night
with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.

"No problem", spoke the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the
barn for an evening. "With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night,

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?",
asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,

"What's wrong, now?, the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow
in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow!

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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

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An attorney was cross-examining the coroner of a small town in the mid-west in June of 1995. The names will remain hidden to protect the stupid.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The lawyer then asks, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?"

"No" says the coroner.

"Did you check for breathing?"

Again, the coroner says, "No."

"So," the lawyer continues, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any of the usual steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the browbeating, said: "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could have been out there practicing law somewhere."

The resulting laughter by the folks in the courtroom was so loud the judge had to hit his gavel several times though he was laughing as well..... 

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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! It would have to be over a thousand miles long, with tens of thousands of supports, each over a mile long. Think of just how much concrete and steel that would require!! No, I can't do it, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, " I've never been able to please a woman- no matter how much I do for them, it's never enough. I wish that I could truly understand women... know what they really want... and know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie's reply: "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?

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A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up.

After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

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A man walks into a restaurant.  After sitting for a few minutes, he hears a voice say, "Nice tie."  He looks around but doesn't see anybody near him, so he forgets about it.  Some time passes and he hears the same voice say, "Nice shirt."  This time he looks everywhere; behind him, up and down the aisle, under the chair, everywhere he can think to look, but he doesn't see anyone.  A few minutes later he hears, "Nice haircut."  He can't stand it any more, so he calls the waiter over and tells him he has been hearing this voice but can't figure out who is speaking. 

The waiter says, "Oh that...that's the peanuts;...They're complimentary."

Time to Smile ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE

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Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on  a diet.  "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.  The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds."

When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds.  "Why, that's amazing!," the doctor said.  "Did you follow my instructions?" 

Mr. Smith nodded.  "I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day." 

"From hunger, you mean?" 

"No, from skipping!" .

Time to Smile ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT SERVICE

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TRUE FACT ...

Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.

SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford University

Did you know...
That no-one ever reads these things?

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~ God Hath Not Promised ~

 
God hath not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathwasy all our lives through'
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Jow without sorrow, peace without pain.

God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe'
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.

But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the tials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

~Annie Johson Flint

"When did you say he died, Chief?"

"Two days ago according to the coroner."

"That's when the star burned out, Chief."

The pastor looked down for a moment, then looked back up, "Consider it done, Mr. Delaney," said the Pastor. "Consider it done!"

—by Bob Perks