A clergyman had just enjoyed a hearty chicken dinner at the home of a
rural parishioner. Gazing out the window, he remarked: "That rooster seems a mighty
proud and happy bird."
"He should," the host replied. "His oldest son just entered the
ministry."
 There's
this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol.
He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who
owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.
One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him
really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he
swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks
the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities
that would make a sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first
few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then, suddenly
gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the
freezer door.
The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about
the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then
the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A farmer had a prize show horse and every year the farmer entered the horse in the
local fair and won first prize for grooming and appearance. One year, just before the
fair, the farmer's horse was plagued by small birds nesting in its mane. The farmer was
desperate to get rid of the birds so he took yeast and sprinkled it over the mane of his
horse. Within a week all of the birds were gone. The moral of the story is, "Yeast is
yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet".
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to
see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your syagogue, Mr Klutz,
states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is
this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the
weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and
a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of
the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the
weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency
has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, OK."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the
weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency
has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and
Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going
to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage."
TRUE FACT ...
Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year
olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.
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