LONGEVITY
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter on Harold's
one-hundred-and-tenth birthday.
"You might call me a health nut," Harold replied. "I have never smoked nor
have I ever touched alcohol. I was always in bed and sound asleep by ten o'clock. And I've
always walked three miles a day, rain or shine."
"But I had an uncle who followed that exact routine and died when he was 62,"
said the reporter. "How come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Harold, "Is that he didn't keep it up long
enough."
From: David A. Rinke II: Funny Pages Mailing List
How About This
Hurrying into a shop, a woman picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the assistant
and asked, "Is this good for wasps?"
After looking at it for a moment, he said, "No madam. It will kill them."
From: David A. Rinke II: Funny Pages Mailing List
Good Idea
A young salesman had asked his girlfriend to marry him. She said she would love to, but
he would have to ask for her father's permission. "He's old-fashioned," she
said, "and he might not say yes to the first man who asks for his daughter's hand. I
sure hope that you can convince him."
The young salesman thought about the upcoming interview for a very long time. When it
finally came time to speak to his girlfriend's father, he began by saying, "Sir, I
have an idea that will save you lots of money…"
Work Horse
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. A local farmer came to
help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,
"Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull,
Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull,
Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy,
pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called
his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if
he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Time To Smile ZONDERVAN PUBLISHING HOUSE E-MAIL ALERT
SERVICE
Occasionally, airline
attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are
fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member
of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.
Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will
be asked to leave the plane immediately.
Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are
singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world
y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch
the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the
flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the
passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward
announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance
system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats
until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as
they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!
"Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen
masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children.
As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses.
"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this
flight. "
After almost twenty years teaching kindergarten, Miss Grover had composed a note which
she had each child carry home at the end of the first week of school. It read,
"Dear Parents -- if you promise not to believe everything your child says happens
at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home."
