 NEVER HUNT ALONE
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other
went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the
cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and
gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to
stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed
the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get
another!"
From: Bill's Punch Line
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
- Remember to never split an infinitive.
- The passive voice should never be used.
- Do not put statements in the negative form.
- Verbs have to agree with their subject.
- Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work,
you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and
editing.
- A writer must not shift your point of view.
- And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
- Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence
with.
- Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!
- Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences,as
of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
- Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
- If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
- Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
- Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
- Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular
nouns in their writing.
- Always pick on the correct idiom.
- The adverb always follows the verb.
- Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable
alternatives.
From: Funny Pages Mailing List drinkeii@moose.erie.net
Did you hear that before his retirement, cells were
taken from Kareem Abdul Jabbar to someday be cloned into a great basketball star of the
future?
Right now, since we don't have the tech to actually clone, the cells are kept frozen - an
iced Kareem clone."
Seen it
all, done it all, can't remember most of it. |
Tips For Northerner Moving South
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean that WE can. Stay home the
two days of the year it snows.
But if you DO run your car in a ditch (because you're a smart-aleck who thought you COULD
drive on snow & ice) don't panic. Four men in a the cab of a 4 wheel drive with
a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along directly. Don't try to help them and
for goodness sake, stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't buy food at the movie store. Your system can't handle it.
There's nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. We don't understand YOU, either.
Be prepared to hear, "You ain't from around here, are you?" a lot.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the
adjective "Big ol'" as in "Big ol' truck" or "Big ol' boy".
85% of Northerners being their new Southern influenced dialect with this
expression. 100% arein denial about it.
The legal defense, "He needed killin'" is valid in the South.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last spade of dirt is
thrown on and the tent is tore down.
If you hear one of those "Big ol' Boys" exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!" stay out of his way. These are very likely the last words he will ever
say.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November, honey.
If there's the prediction of the *slightest* change of even the most minuscule
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery story. It
doesn't matter if you need anything or not -- it's just something you're supposed to do.
Florida is NOT a Southern state.
You can ask us for directions, but unless you're pretty familiar with the positions of key
rocks, trees, hills, and where Uncle Ned smashed his pick-em'up truck back in '79, you're
probably better off trying to get there your-own-self.
from:Kasha Linka KashaL@concentric.net
An animal orthodontist who practiced in Iowa was called one day by a frantic farmer in
Australia. "HELP sir!" he cried, "I just got braces and orthodontic
equipment for 100 of my sheep, and the local sheep orthodontist just DIED! I need a
responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!"
The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered, so he promptly flew to Australia
for what he figured would be a week or two of work. But he found that he was entirely
unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment the sheep had been given, and he spent a whole 6
months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces. When at last he boarded a
plane for home, after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness.
"At last", he said,"I'll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar
braces!"
A REAL GROANER
I had a terrible respiratory ailment this past winter. I
went to Mercy Hospital because they have a new treatment for this kind of thing.
They have been able to extract pure essences of eucalyptus from koala bears!!
Then they brew a kind of tea which all suffering patients can drink. It's like drinking a
liquid cough drop.
I felt better, but this tea is very thick and difficult to drink. I said to one of the
nurses, " Could you please dilute this stuff ?!? "
"No! I'm sorry,sir, " the nurse replied. " The koala tea of mercy is not
strained!! "
TRUE FACT ...
Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year
olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.
|
The first blood transfusion to a human being
was made on June 12, 1667 by Jean-Baptiste Denys. He was the personal physician to Louis
XIV. The patient was a 15 year old boy with a severe fever. The boy had been bled 20 times
'to assuage the excessive heat.' In order to compensate for the loss of excessive blood,
Denys gave him 9 ounces of blood from the carotid artery of a lamb. Unbelievably the boy
recovered. Unfortunately many of his later patients did not fare so well. Denys was
forbidden to repeat the procedure after the death of one of his patients following the
procedure.
