ALL THE REST —  November 10
  

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May I Help You?

Seems this duck waddles into a grocery store and asks the manager "Do you have any duck food?"

The manager says, "No, we don't have duck food. This is a grocery store. Now get out of here."

The next morning the duck waddles into the same grocery store and again asks the manager, "do you have any duck food?"

The manager speaking slowly and distinctly, says, "NO! I told you yesterday that we don't have duck food. Get out of my store and don't come back!"

The next morning, sure enough, the duck enters the same grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?"

The manager screams, "NO! WE DON'T HAVE DUCK FOOD AND IF YOU COME IN HERE ASKING FOR DUCK FOOD ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!!"

The next morning the duck enters the grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any nails?"

Resigned, the manager says, "No, we don't carry nails."

"Good" says the duck. "Do you have any duck food?"
  

Source: PAIGE LOUDERMILK

 

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Actual job application submitted to a fast-food restaurant.

 

NAME: 

Greg B

DESIRED POSITION: 

Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: 

$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: 

Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: 

Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: 

Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: 

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: 

It was lousy.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: 

Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 

1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: 

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  

Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: 

I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  

Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: 

Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: 

No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  

Scorpio with Libra rising.

Source: Gary Tooze - Quotation of the Day

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A letter from a loving Mother to her Son...

Dear Son:

Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $17.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house.

We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot.

Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.

Sears & Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.

FROM AdamsCathy@aol.com

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Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"

FROM AdamsCathy@aol.com 

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TRUE FACT ...

Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.

SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford University