ALL THE REST —  November 23
  

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The following are directions asked by a first grade teacher on how one might prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving.  I am unable to give credit for these great stories. I've had them on file for sometime. Please enjoy - if you know the source of these directions please let me know.

Erin: Buy a turkey. Wash it with water and dry it. Cook it in the oven at 24 degrees for 10 hours. Then you eat it with a little salt.

Brett: Go buy a turkey at Vons. Poke a hole in it to wash out the blood. Have your dad squeeze out all of the juices because it's slimy. Put it in a pan with a cover. Cook it for 15 minutes at 60 degrees. Take it out and let it cool off. Then, you can eat it.

Michelle: Buy a turkey at Vons. Wash your turkey and put it in a pan. Cook it for 20 hours at 225 degrees. Now you can eat it.

Ned: Get your turkey at Vons. With a knife, cut out the guts. Cook it in the oven for 10 minutes. Put the oven at 20 degrees (a very hot oven). Then you can eat it with a fork and a knife.

Ralphs, Lucky and Target also had a following with the youngsters.

Michael: Buy your turkey at Target. Put it in the refrigerator. Then when you cook it, put it in the oven for one-half hour at 30 degrees. Get a plate to put the turkey on. Set the table with forks, knives and then cut the turkey. Put the turkey on plates, pick up your fork and then eat it!

Zachary: Get your turkey from Ralphs. Take the paper off of it so you can wash it. Put your turkey in the pan and then in the oven for 20 minutes at 30 degrees. Take it out and cut it. Next put the stuffing in it. Now you can eat it; but wash your hands first!

Bailey: Get a turkey from Ralphs. Wash it in hot water with peach soap. Take the feathers off and the blood out. Cook it in the oven for 40 minutes. Cut it before you serve.

Marcus: Get a turkey at Lucky. Wash it with cold water and soap. Put pepper on it. Put it in a pan with a lid. Cook it for 10 minutes at nine degrees. Put it on a plate and eat it.

These youngsters thought the "hunting" method worked best.

Will: Hunt for a turkey behind the bushes. Take it home, take off the feathers, cut it up then cook it in the oven for 50 minutes at 80 degrees. Eat it when it's ready. I like to eat it with applesauce, rice and gravy, too. After you have your turkey, have some ice cream.

Joseph: Find a turkey in the forest and kill it with a sword. Wash it with water, pull off the feathers and cut off the head. Cook it for 25 minutes. Now, eat it!

Last, but not least, Eric recommends purchasing a pre-plucked turkey, cooking it, inviting the family and how to have all the side-dishes ready to eat at the same time. This young man has been very observant.

Eric: Get your turkey from Lucky because they pick the feathers off. Cook the turkey in the oven for 100 seconds at 99 degrees. Invite your family over to eat it with you. Put broccoli in the microwave for 60 seconds. Cook potatoes, get the turkey out of the oven and the broccoli has 10 seconds more to cook until the dinner is ready. Now, eat everything. When you're done, have some sherbet and cookie dough.

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THANKSGIVING FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 

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OTHER WAYS TO USE THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY

As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!"
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out     

 

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A man decided he wanted a pet, so he went to the pet store and bought himself a parrot. When he brought the bird home it began to swear and curse like he had never heard before. To teach the bird who was boss he decided to put it in his kitchen cupboard for awhile. Well, that bird tore things up in there something fierce, and when he came out he gave that man a verbal lashing worse than before. "That's it" thought the man, and into the freezer went the parrot. Several minutes went by, and for fear that he had killed the bird, the man opened the freezer door. Out walked the parrot who immediately began to apologize to its owner. "I'll never swear again." it said, "I'll be the best behaved parrot that you've ever seen. And by the way, what did the turkey do?!"

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TRUE FACT ...

Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.

SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford University