THE REST –    December 25
  

 

pointset.gif (8129 bytes)Today's Quotations — Diets and Eating

 

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Born merely for the purpose of digestion.

- Bruyere

 

He was a kind and thankful toad, whose heart dilated in proportion as his skin was filled with good cheer; and whose spirits rose with eating, as some men's do with drink.

- Washington Irving

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The turnpike road to people's hearts, I find, lies, through their mouths.

- Dr. John Wolcott

 

 


A house well stored with provisions are likely to be full of mice, so the bodies of those that eat much are full of diseases.

- Diogenes

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Reason should direct and appetite obey.

-  Cicero

 

word puzzleToday's Word – CAROL

 


car·ol noun 1. Music. A song of praise or joy, especially for Christmas. 2. An old round dance often accompanied by singing.  car·ol·ing --intr. 1. To sing in a loud, joyous manner. 2. To go from house to house singing Christmas songs. --tr. 1. To celebrate in or as if in song: caroling the victory. 2. To sing loudly and joyously. [Middle English carole, a kind of round dance with singing, from Old French carole, probably from Late Latin choraula, choral song, from Latin choraulss, accompanist, from Greek khorauls : khoros, choral dance]



Definitions from American Heritage Dictionary

 

 

Today's Fact

For the Advent season there will be a change on this section of the DM. 
There will be a trivia question related to Christmas (not Biblically related)
 The Christmas fact will appear on the Advent page - along with a Christmas Inspiration and a Christmas Quotation.

Christmas
Trivia

In this section there will be a brief question about the secular side of Christmas. The answer will appear the following day.

 

TODAY'S QUESTION

How did "America's Christmas city," Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, get its name? 

 


Previous Question and Answer: 


Question:  What northwestern metropolis has a stunning Christmas Boat Parade on the Willamette and Columbia Rivers?


 Answer: Portland, Oregon


Answer to today's Question: Its Moravian settlers had sung a Christmas hymn praising the town of Jesus' birth; they liked the name, so they used it. 



 Questions and answers from: J. Stephen Lang, The Big Book of American Trivia (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc, 1997).

Merry Christmas

Christmas Quotation, Fact and Inspiration.

 

 

clown
Today's SMILE
 
   

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

 
   

The Orangutan

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books--the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orangutan , "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."


The Smart Gorilla

A scientist has had remarkable success teaching a gorilla to talk, and decides to introduce the ape to other forms of human social interaction, so he takes him to his local golf course.

At the first tee, the gorilla asks "So, what do I do?"

The scientist points into the distance and explains "You see that green way over there with the flag? You have to hit the ball towards it"

So the gorilla belts the ball and it flies 440 yards straight onto the green, coming to a stop a few inches from the hole.

The scientist is stunned but carries on, taking 4 shots to reach the green himself.

When they get to the green, the gorilla asks "So, what do I do?"

The scientist points at the cup and says "Now you hit the ball into the cup"

"Why the heck didn't you tell me that back on the tee?" asks the gorilla.

From: David E. Rinke II, Funny Pages Mailing List.


The Great Escape

NEWS FLASH Friday evening

A notorious murderer has just escaped from the State Penitentiary. Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.

NEWS FLASH Saturday afternoon

The convict who escaped from State Penitentiary late Friday evening is safely back in custody after surrendering himself to police early this morning.

When asked why he gave himself up after his first taste of freedom for twelve years, he replied "When I finally got home, the first thing my wife asked me was `Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!" 



TRUE FACT ...

Humans begin laughing at two to three months of age. Six year olds laugh about 300 times per day, while adults laugh from 15 to 100 times per day.

SOURCE: NYT, Dr. William F. Fry, Stanford University

 

smile

 

Merry Christmas

 

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

     




    
My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present!  Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,
Agnes


December 26th

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,
Emily.


December 27th

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.

Your devoted Emily.


December 28th

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily. 


December 29th

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,
Emily


December 30th

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love,
Emily., Agnes


December 31st

Edward,

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS!!  This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily


January 1st

OK Buster:

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

Emily


January 2nd

Look here, Edward,

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily


January 3rd

You Creep!

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily


January 4th

Listen Idiot:

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied

Emily Wilbraham


January 5th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Baegar
Attorney at law



Today's Christmas Technology 

This year I bought several new strings of Christmas lights, the fancy kind that flash multiple different light patterns. Several days after putting them up on the Christmas Tree, I noticed that one string was "stuck"; the lights did not flash. I thought it was somewhat strange that the lights would be "stuck", as I knew that the light controller was electronic, with no mechanical parts to get "stuck".

I unplugged and plugged in the lights, and pressed the button on the light controller box until the lights started working again.

I had walked a few steps away when it struck me what had just happened:

The light string was controlled by state-machine firmware. In other words, it was run by computer software. I had just experienced a Christmas light firmware crash.

I had just rebooted my Christmas lights.

| RHF Joke Archives | chuckc@corley.sr.hp.com    (Chuck Corley)




 

The Four Stages Of Life


1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.



Conduct During the Holiday Season

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make 
tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a 
party is forbidden (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Chores and charitable requests are not to be filed under "Bah, Humbug."

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through 
the woods to Grandma's house."

Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the 
mall will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

 

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?


MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are


DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas


NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me


MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and...


PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.


PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell
you Why.


DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.


OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ............(better
start again)


PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took
it all away).


BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 


More GUESS THE CHRISTMAS SONG:

Merry Christmas

   QUESTIONS:     

          1. The Lad is a diminutive percussionist
          2. The red suited guy is due in the burg.
          3. Cup-shaped sounding instruments fashioned of a white metalic element.
          4. The Apartment of two psychiatrists.
          5. Decorate the entryways.
          6. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis.
          7. Far back in the hay bin.
          8. Has this dolf had his beezer in the booze?
          9. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the Yuletide season.
          10. Leave and do an elevated broadcast.
          11. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your Yuletide season.
          12. Small Israeli urban center.
          13. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully.
          14. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe.
          15.
An event which arrived on a cloudless witching hour.



Answers:

          1.  The Little Drummer Boy
          2.  Santa Claus is Coming to Town
          3.  Silver Bells
          4.  Nutcracker Suite
          5.  Deck the Halls
          6.  Silent Night
          7.  Away in a Manger
          8.  Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
          9.  The Twelve Days of Christmas
          10. Go, Tell It on the Mountain
          11. We Wish You A Merry Christmas
          12. O Little Town of Bethlehem
          13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
          14. Joy to the World
          15. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
           

 

Merry Christmas

 

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas

     




   

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

| RHF Joke Archives | scannell@darkstar.ma30.bull.com    (Pat Scannell)

 


From the management
Christmas cutbacks

SEASON'S GREETINGS!

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys' association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing").

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. 

Happy Holidays!




 

 

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA   examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa
had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."


A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that  looked strangely like a bullet.  She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.    "It's not a Christmas tree." he said.  "It's a cartridge in a  pear tree."
                             


As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,  "And what would you like for Christmas ?"  The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,
  then gasped: "Didn't you get my letter ?"
                             




At the Mall with their Mother, upon hearing "Santa Claus is Coming  to Town", a little boy said to his sister, "Listen Jean !  They're   playing our song."
                            




A small boy wrote in a Christmas Card to his Aunt: "And I want to   thank you for all the presents you have sent in the past, as well  as all the ones you are going to send me this Christmas."


Just in time for Christmas preparations!!

 1 cup water
 1 cup sugar
 4 large eggs
 2 cups dried fruit
 1 teaspoon baking soda
 1 teaspoon salt
 1 cup brown sugar
 lemon juice
 nuts
 1 gallon whiskey

 Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

 Take a large bowl.  Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest   quality.

 Pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.

 Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

 Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

 Make sure the whiskey is still OK.  Cry another tup.

 Turn off mixer.

 Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

 Mix on the turner.

 If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a  drewscriver

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

 Next, sift 2 cups of salt.  Or something.

 Who cares?  Check the whiskey.

 Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

 Add one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar or something.  Whatever you can find.

 Grease the oven.  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

 Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window.

 Check the whiskey again.

 Go to bed.  Who in the world likes fruitcake anyway?


 

             Knock. Knock.
             Who's there?
             Hanna.
             Hanna who?
             Hanna partridge in a pear tree."

 

 


Daily Miscellany Comics

 

Have A Great Day

Phill Bower

 


Soul Food December 25



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Copyright Information: Phillip Bower is not the author of the humor, and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to the jokes. Sources of jokes are listed when known. Birthday's and Happenings for the date, and quotations are public knowledge and collected from numerous sources. Quotations are public knowledge and sources are listed when known. Weekendspirations are written by Tim Knappenberger who has copyright privileges. Cathy Vinson authors Whispers from the Wilderness and owns copyright privileges. Weekendspirations and Whispers from the Wilderness are used with permission by the respective authors. Other devotions are written by Phillip Bower unless otherwise stated. In all cases credit is given when known. The Daily Miscellany is nonprofit. Submissions by readers is welcome.