THE REST –    December 30 & 31
  

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22 (NIV)

HOW TO BAKE A CAKE

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour;
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Fortissimoe:
The musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section.

Tatyr:
A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

Doltergeist:
A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.

Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

Contratemps:
The resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.

Whitetater:
A political hot potato.

Impotience:
Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

Taterfamilias:
The head of the Potato Head family.

Guillozine:
A magazine for executioners.

Suckotash:
A dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.

Burglesque:
A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido:
All talk and no action.

Antifungal:
A prude.

Vaseball:
A game of catch played by children in the living room.

Eunouch:
The pain of castration.

Hindkerchief:
Really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.

Deifenestration:
To throw all talk of God out the window.

Acme:   A generic skin disease.

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Hindprint:
Indentation made by a couch potato.

Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Nazigator:
An overbearing member of your carpool.

FROM Kasha Linka

The Trucker, the Priest, and the Lawyer

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, I'm fine.

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "but what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "But what about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them crapped right in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly: "Like I'm talking to a wall." 

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?   

Daily Miscellany Comics

Phill Bower

Soul Food December 30 & 31

Today in History December 30
Today in History December 31