PhD Ponderings

Ponderings #7 - Y 2 Normal?
Life as a Graduate Student - Millennium Issue

Hey, it's a new millennium.

Not that that really means anything. Y2K turned out to be totally boring actually. It was like we were waiting for the end of the world. Fortunately for me, the end of the world turned out more like Local Channel 5 News than anything by H.G. Wells. (Spark from red firework blinds local student).

What were we expecting? Major computer crash, major plane crashes, and hiding out in the basement with cans of refried beans for weeks. Weeks. Without water. Without showers. With people next to you in a crowded room eating nothing but canned beans and SPAM. Ugh - that WOULD be like the end of the world. Or Hell. Not sure which would be worse actually.

In actuality, what happened was that computers were fine. Fireworks were excellent and the crowds partied a bit too much. Not that there's any such thing. The best thing about it is getting your pay check. Minor computer glitches indicate that you have received exactly double your monthly stipend (which amounts to total $0.23 after taxes). I think I'll say this Y2K thing worked out great! Of course, we'll know next month when my total monthly stipend is exactly -$0.23 BEFORE taxes. But hey, who thinks long-term?

Long term is for people who really want something out of their PhDs. There are really easy ways to adjust for that. I mean, this has got to be a guide to living right? So here's the scoop:

Writing papers. This is easy. You find a lab where people are already 3/4 of the way through writing. Then you stick in your last little figure you made from 2 days of work, and you're tagged on. It's even easier than falsifying data!

Gettin in good with the PI. Show up at lab meeting with lunch and don't say anything. Whatever questions she/he asks, just throw in brilliant ideas you stole and nod and smile agressively. Don't forget to mention how you love the new (insert favorite garment or accessory here).

Making contacts. Go to conferences on boss's grant money, and hang out in town while the talks go on. Pick only the conferences in great places like Aruba. Show up at the poster sessions, but really only for the finger food - ask a presenter to present, and check out the babe behind him while he talks. With guest speakers and top faculty, take em out to lunch (they'll foot the bill if you play it right) and buy plenty of booze. 1/2 an hour, and they'll never be able to deny they offered you a postdoc!

Getting work done. Get undergrads. They're eager and ready and come for free. You don't even have to tolerate questions if you make them feel guilty! Some are even cute. Imagine: someone WANTS to do your work for you!

Being a TA. Get an assistant TA - volunteer to present if they prepare and do the grading. Then get different students in yoru section to present the material each week. You can sit back and dream about your Nobel. And since you know how to make people feel guilty, no one will come to office hours too!

So now that your life in lab is made, you only have two things to worry about: sleep and boredom

Sleep is easily accomplished by using the above free time (TA class, office hour time, conference time, etc) to doze.

Boredom is more complicated. Typically getting drunk cures that. Other solutions include picking on med students during their boards - things like saying "olecranon" over and over while pointing to their nose will be quite entertaining! You can also head over to other people and ask them to tell you what they're doing, but that would really be suicide. Your best bet is to get drunk if you can't sleep. If that can't be done (like you are being audited for not paying taxes), you COULD pull out a journal article and read it.

That ought to put you to sleep FAST.

Good night!