PhD Ponderings

Ponderings #12 - - Life After Grad School

Recently a postdoc asked me, "what do you want to do after grad school?"

I stared at him for a minute, until he snapped me back to Earth.

"What do you mean, AFTER?" I asked.

"You know, when you're done with your PhD."

Done? With my PhD? I had never thought of that. I'd never imagined it could actually happen...

"Well...I don't know..." I muttered and turned back to my messy bench.

The truth is, how often have you actually, really thought about life after grad school for yourself?

Maybe you just imagined that you would head back home to Mom and Dad, and they would sweep you into their arms again (but let you be an adult)? Not likely. Have you been home lately? They've changed the locks and are renting your room to the local high school's chess club. Not to mention that all your clothes were sold at the last block yard sale.

No, you can never go home again. If you are a single child, you have no other choice but head out into the "Real World" (shudder!). But in the meantime, stay in denial while you pretend to be "editing" your thesis yet again.

If you happen to be one of the few lucky people who are still on speaking terms with their brothers or sisters, you MIGHT be able to mooch off of your siblings. This works well if they are married or have kids. You can get free room and board in exchange for "babysitting" (it's a lot like TAing).

When your brother-in-law asks you what you do, you can explain the details of "mathematical and literary aesthetic manipulation of biochemical systems" (yeah I have no idea what that means either), and he will leave you alone. You can, when HIS parents are there, claim you are THE expert in the field, truthfully! Of course, this is because your advisor knows even less than you about your obscure project (you should know that by now) and only one other person in the world works on the same thing (and that person is seriously considering a career in performance art).

IF, however, like most of the world, you have no siblings, cousins, or old buddies to rely on, you have to go the next step. Yes, I know it's scary, but it must be done. You have to bite the bullet! You must enter the world of jobs.

Now, the smart ones of us who know how scary the real world really is (for real) will just try to hook up a postdoctoral position. You know, a place where you get to do just what you did in your PhD except make more money and boss around grad students. Fun! This is the smart student's stalling plan. Eventually, maybe if your professor dies, you could take over his job, or if someone leaves their position to you in their will. Don't count on it, though, because often they leave their positions to their pets or the zoo (explaining the abundance of monkeys in faculty).

Those less intellectually endowed (and greed-enriched) will opt for a position in industry. This means companies. You know, software, biotech, pharmaceutical, manufacturing, etc etc etc. If the word industry makes you cringe, just think how it makes those people feel who have millions invested in the stock market whose value dropped 0.01% causing them to lose $100,000 in one day! (no no no sorry sorry i'm just kidding there are no such people in the world!)

Industry is a place to go for the following reasons:
- you can't get a postdoc position
- you don't want to be dirt poor anymore
- you LIKE doing boring tedious work with tight deadlines
- you're used to a tyrant of a boss who threatens to throw you out daily

Sure, they'll try to sell you on "cutting edge research" and "real applied work" and "contribute to the community." Whatever.

Here are the things to know:

1) how much will they pay? Make sure you're sitting down when you hear this. Compared to being paid, well, nothing, in grad school, you will actually get money in an industry job! When you hear the words five-thousand dollars, you may feel flushed and faint. But when they tell you that's per month, don't pass out!

2) what's free? It's an easy one to remember as a graduate student. In fact, often industry gives out more free stuff than graduate school. Aside from the usual office supplies that are available (pens, postits, staplers, binders), you can now grab free coffee and often donuts, company freebies like discs and stress relievers and dolls, plus Tshirts and fancy keychains. AND there are often free gyms and classes, free parties (sounds like grad school) and FREE Happy hour! Believe it or not, some companies also have a nap room so that you can take a quick nap during the day. You're thinking, this is heaven!

3) how many hours do you work? You are paid to work 40 hours a week. That's what they pay you for. 8 hours a day. You're not required to come in on weekends. Are they kidding? And you get paid vacation - 2 weeks a year. Wow!

After hearing all this, you might want to jump ship immediately. I mean, more money, more free stuff, less work? What's not to like? Well, a few things. Think: Dilbert. Office Space. Darth Vader.

Think of the evil boss who FORCES you to come in on the weekend. Who gives you impossible tasks and expects them done by yesterday. Not to mention potentially horrible dynamics, performance reviews, and dress codes. Ew.

If you're still undaunted by the ickiness of industry, by all means go ahead. But you know what it means. You have to polish your RESUME. Mwuhaahahaha!

But that's a topic for next time isn't it? Given that your most current resume still has "high school chess team" on it (hey you can kick em out of your room!), you might want to update it. Oh yeah, and you have to get some decent clothes to wear in the unlikely event of an interview. You know, something without holes in it. After that, you can wear industry tshirts!