PhD Ponderings

Ponderings #21 - Committed

Ron Laskey (Science musician extraodinaire) has a set of songs, one of which is "Committee, commitment, committed."

It rings true. I had my last committee meeting almost two months ago. I made a commitment to start writing my thesis soon. And just as soon, I'll be committed to a mental asylum over all this "grad stuff."

I've reached that zen state of absolutely not caring. Suddenly, I no longer seem incompetent (as I felt the last six years), but I feel wise beyond caring. It no longer matters that I haven't accomplished anything, just that I can drift along endlessly. I have hit runner's wall and am just going through the motions now. The light at the end of the tunnel is glowing steady.

Of course, that light turns out to be my advisor with the laser pointer aimed at my face.

I still have presentations to give, data to present, conferences to attend.

The conference is a subject I haven't really devoted enough time to. Even in real life. There's also a fine line between "departmental retreat" and "conference." At the first, you skip all the talks to goof off and party, and at the second, you attend SOME of the talks, then goof off and party.

The time to look really alert is when you are presenting your own work. Talks have a way of pumping adrenaline into you. So do the hangovers from the previous night. They will make you talk slow, so skip any precarious slides. Talk down to the audience as if they are idiots ("in this slide, the black marks are the WORDS. can you say WORDS?"). Swirl the laser pointer animatedly in circles to draw attention away from your haphazard slides. Go a bit over time, leaving room for only one question.

When asked a question, do not do as you did at your thesis committee meeting. Instead, the only appropriate reply is, "That's a great idea, Dr.So-and-so. And in fact, we're working on that now." Feel free to embellish, with statements like, "That piece of data should be coming any day now," "We just did that experiment, and I'll be analyzing it when I get back," or "A postdoc in our lab is asking that very same question." They'll never remember, so you don't need to!

Poster sessions are more dangerous however. There, people have infinite time to talk with you. They can scrutinize your data. They may even be sober. You will have hit the bar repeatedly, and literally.

When making your poster, put as much information on it as possible. That way, when someone asks you a question, you can point them to the appropriate paragraph. Use dull colors and non-shiny paper so that you don't attract attention.

Carry a drink while you stand by your poster. Do not offer to explain the whole thing (too much work!). Instead, offer to answer any questions they have. Then find a friend and have a chat about some other semi-work related topic, like your upcoming ski "retreat."

When a reputable professor comes by, however, interrupt everyone, introduce yourself, and offer to walk them through your poster. Offer hints that you're looking for a postdoc. Have cv's and business cards ready. Later, at the after-party, refer to the professor by first name and bring drinks.

When you're back to grad school after the retreat/conference, spend some time reminiscing and dishing on the retreat gossip. Send a gushing email to professor X asking an obscure question about his talk.

And ask a groupmate to have you committed if you're still around to go next year.